The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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George IV., on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his late life of that statesman, observed, "I won't say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life."
CCLXI.—A BAD CROP.After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain; and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground."—"By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have sowed three wives in it, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again."
CCLXII.—"NONE SO BLIND," ETC.Daniel Purcell, who was a non-juror, was telling a friend, when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view of him: "Then," said his friend, "you know him by sight."—"Yes," replied Daniel, "I think I know him, but I can't swear to him."
CCLXIII.—DUPLEX MOVEMENT.A worthy alderman, captain of a volunteer corps, was ordering his company to fall back, in order to dress with the line, and gave the word, "Advance three paces back-wards! march!"
CCLXIV.—COULEUR DE ROSE.An officer in full regimentals, apprehensive lest he[Pg 59] should come in contact with a chimney-sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, "Keep off, you black rascal."—"You were as black as me before you were boiled," cried sooty.
CCLXV.—A FEELING WITNESS.A lawyer, upon a circuit in Ireland, who was pleading the cause of an infant plaintiff, took the child up in his arms, and presented it to the jury, suffused with tears. This had a great effect, until the opposite lawyer asked the child, "What made him cry?"—"He pinched me!" answered the little innocent. The whole court was convulsed with laughter.
CCLXVI.—EXTREMES MEET.An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he'd lock him up in the ice-house and warm his jacket.
CCLXVII.—DR. WEATHER-EYE.An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. "Saw a wind!" said another, "I never heard of a wind being seen. But, pray, what was it like!"—"Like to have blown my house about my ears," replied the first.
CCLXVIII.—HESITATION IN HIS WRITING.An old woman received a letter, and, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read, "Charleston, June 23, 1859. Dear mother," then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed, "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry; he always stuttered!"
CCLXIX.—A GUIDE TO GOVERNMENT SITUATIONS.Dr. Henniker, being engaged in private conversation with the great Earl of Chatham, his lordship asked him how he defined wit. "My lord," said the doctor, "wit[Pg 60] is like what a pension would be, given by your lordship to your humble servant, a good thing well applied."
CCLXX.—NATURAL TRANSMUTATION.The house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:—
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the iron age
Succeeds the age of brass!"
CCLXXI.—CRITICS.
Lord Bacon, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all their pretensions, they were only brushers of noblemen's clothes."
CCLXXII.—QUESTION AND ANSWER.A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, "Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"—"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."
CCLXXIII.—A TRUE JOKE.A man having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject."
CCLXXIV.—THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.A judge asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my lord," says he. "And why not fourscore[Pg 61] and eight?" says the judge. "Because," replied he, "I was eight before I was fourscore."
CCLXXV.—A CITY VARNISH.It being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their assistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a gentleman present; "if you wish to bring the figures out, varnish it with turtle soup."
CCLXXVI.—A RUB AT A RASCAL.George Colman being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it daubs your coat a little for a time, but when it is rubbed off your coat is so much the cleaner."
CCLXXVII.—A SAGE SIMILE.Mr. Thackeray once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and onions."
CCLXXVIII.—AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury Church.
The head of the Church by all Protestant people;
His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more,
For with them he is now made the head of the steeple.
CCLXXIX.—THE MAJESTY OF MUD.
During the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed[Pg 62] to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have often heard you and others talk of the majesty of the people; but I never saw any of the young princes and princesses till now."
CCLXXX.—A PROVIDENT BOY.An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."—"O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father."
CCLXXXI.—A QUERY ANSWERED.No jester to their courts admit?"
"They're grown such stately solemn things,
To bear a joke they think not fit.
But though each court a jester lacks,
To laugh at monarchs to their faces,
Yet all mankind, behind their backs,
Supply the honest jesters' places."
CCLXXXII.—A WOMAN'S PROMISES.
Anger may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?"—"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which the Queen returned, "I must not confute you, Sir Edward," and she left him.
CCLXXXIII.—THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.Sarah, Duchess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of service one way or the other."[Pg 63]
CCLXXXIV.—ROYAL FAVOR.A low fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me stand out of the way."
CCLXXXV.—BLACK AND WHITE.And boast that they are only blessed with light.
Peel's politics to both sides so incline,
He may be called the equinoctial line.
CCLXXXVI.—THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.
An old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended."
CCLXXXVII.—A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.Dr. Byron, of Manchester, eminent for his promptitude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:—
'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.
Shall I tell you how?
She herself makes her own faces,
And each morning wears a new one!
Where's the wonder now?"
CCLXXXVIII.—BRIGHT AND SHARP.
A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, and vice versâ. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" returned the child.
CCLXXXIX.—A WOODMAN.A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional[Pg 64] stamina, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. "To laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning."—"Then I presume, sir, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard," was the rejoinder.
CCXC.—HUMAN HAPPINESS.A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship's company the happiest fellows in the world. "How so?" asked his friend. "Why, I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped."
CCXCI.—MEASURE FOR MEASURE.A fellow stole Lord Chatham's large gouty shoes: his servant, not finding them, began to curse the thief. "Never mind," said his lordship, "all the harm I wish the rogue is, that the shoes may fit him!"
CCXCII.—A DESERVED RETORT.A spendthrift, who had nearly wasted all his patrimony, seeing an acquaintance in a coat not of the newest cut, told him that he thought it had been his great-grandfather's coat. "So it was," said the gentleman, "and I have also my great-grandfather's lands, which is more than you can say."
CCXCIII.—A POETICAL SHAPE.When Mr. Pope once dined at Lord Chesterfield's, some one observed that he should have known Pope was a great poet by his very shape; for it was in and out, like the lines of a Pindaric ode.
CCXCIV.—A COMMON CASE.A sailor meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him where he lived? "Where I live," said he, "I don't know; but I starve towards Wapping, and that way."[Pg 65]
CCXCV.—EPIGRAM.Knock as you will, there's nobody at home.
CCXCVI.—TOO COLD TO CHANGE.
A lady reproving a gentleman during a hard frost for swearing, advised him to leave it off, saying it was a very bad habit. "Very true, madam," answered he, "but at present it is too cold to think of parting with any habit, be it ever so bad."
CCXCVII.—SEALING AN OATH."In earnest love me as you say;
Or are those tender words applied
Alike to fifty girls beside?"
"Dear, cruel girl," cried I, "forbear,
For by those eyes,—those lips I swear!"
She stopped me as the oath I took,
And cried, "You've sworn,—now kiss the book."
CCXCVIII.—A NEAT QUOTATION.
Lord Norbury asking the reason of the delay that happened in a cause, was told that Mr. Serjeant Joy, who was to lead, was absent, but Mr. Hope, the solicitor, had said that he would return immediately. His lordship humorously repeated the well-known lines:—
That Joy would soon return."
CCXCIX.—GOOD SPORT.
A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. "Thirty-three hairs!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig."
CCC.—AN UNRE-HEARSED EFFECT.A noble lord, not over courageous, was once so far[Pg 66] engaged in an affair of honor, as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel. But just as he arrived at the Porter's Lodge, an empty hearse came by; on
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