Mr. Punch's Golf Stories, J. A. Hammerton [best pdf ebook reader for android txt] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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New Hand. "Oh, my ordinary clothes!"
[Pg 73]
Golfing Amenities. (Overheard on a course within 100 miles of Edinburgh).—Hopeless Duffer (who continually asks his caddy the same question, with much grumbling at the non-success of his clubs). "And what shall I take now?"
His Unfortunate Partner (whose match has been lost and game spoilt, at last breaking out). "What'll ye tak noo! The best thing ye can tak is the fower fifteen for Edinburgh!"
The Pedantry of Sport.—First Golf Maniac. I played a round with Captain Bulger the other day.
Second G.M. When did you get to know him?
First G.M. Oh, about the end of the Gutty Ball period.
[Pg 75]
Cheerful Beginner (who has just smashed the Colonel's favourite driver). "Oh, now I see why you have to carry so many clubs!"
[Pg 76]
TEE, TEE, ONLY TEE!
Air—"Thee, thee, only thee."
The dawn of the morn, the daylight's sinking,
Shall find me on the Links, and thinking,
[Pg 77]Of Tee, Tee, only Tee!
When rivals meet upon the ground,
The Putting-green's a realm enchanted,
Nay, in Society's giddy round
My soul, (like Tooting's thralls) is haunted
By Tee, Tee, only Tee!
For that at early morn I waken,
And swiftly bolt my eggs and bacon,
For Tee, Tee, only Tee!
I'm game to start all in the dark,
To the Links hurrying—resting never.
The Caddie yawns, but, like a lark,
I halt not, heed not, hastening ever
To Tee, Tee, only Tee!
Of chilly fog I am no funker,
I'll brave the very biggest bunker,
For Tee, Tee, only Tee!
A spell that nought on earth can break
Holds me. Golf's charms can ne'er be spoken;
But late I'll sleep, and early wake,
Of loyalty be this my token,
To Tee, Tee, only Tee!
Golf caddies are now very much in the public eye. The education of some of them is certainly not all that it should be. "Here's an honour for us!" cried one of them excitedly the other day, as he pointed to a paragraph in the paper headed, "King Alfonso visits Cadiz."
[Pg 78]
THE SCIENCE OF GOLF[A certain make of field-glasses is advertised just now as "suitable for golf-players, enabling them before striking to select a favourable spot for the descent of their ball." There can be little doubt that this brilliant hint will be further developed, with some such results as those outlined in the following anticipation.]
As I told Jones when he met me at the clubhouse, it was a year or more since I had last played, so the chances were that I should be a bit below form. Besides, I was told that the standard of play had been so raised——
"Raised? I should just think it has!" said Jones. "Why, a year ago they played mere skittles—not what you could properly call golf. Got your clubs? Come along then. Queer old-fashioned things they are, too! And you're never going out without your theodolite?"
"Well," I said with considerable surprise, "the fact is, I haven't got one. What do you use it for?"
"Taking levels, of course. And—bless me, you've no inflater, or glasses—not even a wind-gauge! Shall I borrow some for you?—Oh, just as you like, but you won't be able to put up much of a game without them."
[Pg 80]
"Does your caddie take all those things?" I asked, pointing to the curious assortment of machinery which Jones had put together.
"My caddies do," he corrected. "No one takes less than three nowadays. Good; there's only one couple on the first tee, so we shall get away in half an hour or so."
"I should hope so!" I remarked. "Do you mean that it will be half an hour before those men have played two shots?"
"There or thereabouts. Simkins is a fast player—wonderful head for algebra that man has—so it may be a shade less. Come and watch him; then you'll see what golf is!"
And indeed I watched him with much interest. First he surveyed the country with great care through a field-glass. Then he squinted along a theodolite at a distant pole. Next he used a strange instrument which was, Jones told me, a wind-gauge, and tapped thoughtfully at a pocket-barometer. After that he produced paper and pencil, and was immersed apparently in difficult [Pg 82] sums. Finally, he summoned one of his caddies, who carried a metal cylinder. A golf ball was connected to this by a piece of india-rubber tubing, and a slight hissing noise was heard.
"Putting in the hydrogen," explained Jones. "Everything depends upon getting the right amount. New idea? Not very; even a year ago you must have seen pneumatic golf balls—filled with compressed air? Well, this is only an obvious improvement. There, he's going to drive now."
And this he did, using a club unlike anything I had seen before. Then he surveyed the putting-green—about half a mile away—through his glasses, and remarked that it was a fairish shot, the ball being within three inches of the hole. His companion, who went through the same lengthy preliminaries, was less fortunate. In a tone of considerable disgust he announced that he had over-driven the hole by four hundred yards.
"Too much hydrogen," murmured Jones, "or else he got his formul� muddled. Well, we can start now. Shall I lead the way?"
[Pg 84]
I begged him to do so. He in turn surveyed the country, consulted instruments, did elaborate sums, inflated his ball.
"Now," he said, at length settling into his stance, "now I'll show you."
And then he missed the ball clean.
... Of course he ought not to have used such language, and yet it was a sort of relief to find something about the game which was entirely unchanged.
Royal and Ancient Records.—The Glasgow Evening Times displayed the following headings on the occasion of His Majesty's visit to North Berwick:—
A Drive Through the Town.
This, of course, constitutes a new record, the old one standing at about 330 yards.
The Golfer's Friend after Long Drives—The Tea-Caddy.
Golf Motto.—The "Hole" hog or none.
[Pg 79]
A Last Resort.—Miss Armstrong (who has foozled the ball six times with various clubs). "And which of the sticks am I to use now?"
Weary Caddie. "Gie it a bit knock wi' the bag!"
[Pg 81]
Caddie (in stage whisper to Biffin, who is frightfully nervous). "Don't you get nervous, sir. It's all right. I've told every one of 'em you can't play!"
[Pg 83]
Fitzfoozle (a beginner, who is "teaching" a lady on the men's links, and loses a club). "Pardon me, sir. Have you seen a lady's club anywhere?"
Admiral Peppercorn (very irate at being delayed, wishes ladies would play on their own course). "No, sir, but there's a goose club at the 'Pig and Whistle,' I believe. Try that!"
[Pg 85]
Golfer, whose ball has lodged under stone, has had several unsuccessful shots, and finally, with a tremendous stroke, smashed his club.
Old Man. "You put me in moind of my old jackass."
Golfer. "What d'you mean, you idiot?"
Old Man. "Yer've got more strength than knowledge!"
[Pg 86]
THE MOAN OF THE MAIDENGolf! Golf! Golf!
By the side of the sounding sea;
And I would that my ears had never
Heard aught of the "links" and the "tee."
Oh, well for the man of my heart,
That he bets on the "holes" and the play;
Oh, well for the "caddie" that carries
The "clubs," and earns his pay.
He puts his red coat on,
And he roams on the sandy hill;
But oh! for the touch of that golfer's hand,
That the "niblick" wields with a will.
Golf! Golf! Golf!
Where the "bunkers" vex by the sea;
But the days of Tennis and Croquet
Will never come back to me!
Virgil on Golf.—"Miscueruntque herbas et non innoxia verba." Georgics, 3, 283.
To Correspondents.—"An Inexperienced Golfer" writes to inquire whether what he has heard about "the Tee Duty" will in any way affect the "caddies."
[Pg 87]
Willing to Compensate.—Mrs. Lightfoot. "Oh, wait a minute, Mr. Sharp—don't drive yet. My husband is still on the green."
Mr. Sharp. "Never mind. I'll risk it. For if I do bowl him over, why, I'm ready to replace him any time!"
[Pg 88]
CAPABLE CADDIESRumour has it that a movement is on foot amongst a certain section of the golfing public to ensure that for the future all caddies on English links shall be compelled to furnish satisfactory proof that they are physically and morally qualified for the porterage and cleaning of clubs, and acquainted with the more rudimentary principles of the game. To this end, it is reported, an entrance examination paper is in course of preparation, in which individuals aspiring to official recognition as caddies will be required to obtain a percentage of at least eighty marks. The following questions are said to have been already drafted:—
1. Write your name, legibly if possible, in the top right-hand corner of the sheet.
(Do not trouble to insert your nickname, as it is a matter of indifference to the examiners whether you are locally known as "Tiger," "Ginger," or "Bill Bailey.")
2. State your age. If this is less than six, or [Pg 90] more than seventy-five years, you may omit the remaining questions and retire at once from the examination.
3. Are you married or single? Give reasons for your answer.
4. Illustrate the finer points of distinction between
(a) a niblick and a gutty;
(b) a bye and a bulger.
5. Are you a Protectionist or a Total Abstainer?
6. Rewrite the following passage, correcting anything that may strike you as an error or an incongruity:—"In an 18-hole match, X., a scratch player with a handicap of 20, stood dormy 12 at the 17th hole, but while half-way through the final green was unfortunate enough to get badly bunkered behind the tee-box. Being required to play 'two more' to his opponent Y., who had laid himself dead in 6, he only played one of them, thus holing out in 5, and securing a victory by the narrow margin of 4 up and 7 to play."
7. Given that the regulation charge for a round is a shilling, would you consider yourself justified in attempting to exact an extra half-crown for [Pg 92] club-cleaning from a player in spectacles, with a handicap of 27 and a wistful expression? (Candidates are advised to say "No" to this question.)
"As She is Spoke."—(In the train from Nice.) Enthusiastic Golfer (to friend, as train stops at Golfe-Juan): "Oh, here we are! This must be the place. 'Golfe,' golf. 'Juan,' jeu, play, you know. Yes, this is evidently the station for the links!"
The Natural Crest of every Golf Club.—The lynx.
Five-o'clock "Tees."—Suburban golf.
[Pg 89]
Stimied.—Golfer. "Fore!"
Tinker. "What?" Golfer. "Get out of the way!"
Tinker. "What for?" Golfer. "I might hit you."
Tinker. "Thee'd best not, young man!"
[Pg 91]
Licensed Caddy. "Carry your clubs, sir?"
Jones (who has chartered a small boy at a cheap rate). "No, I've got a caddy."
Licensed Caddy. "Carry your caddy, sir?"
[Pg 93]
The Ruling Passion.—Laden and perspiring stranger. "Could you kindly tell me how far it is to the station?"
Sportsome Native. "About a full drive, two brassies and a putt."
[Pg 94]
By the side of the sounding sea;
Do you hear the widows weeping, O my brothers,
Wedded but a few brief years?
They are writing home complaining to their mothers,
And their ink's suffused with tears.
The young lads
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