a pirates field trip, ray rebmann [i love reading .txt] 📗

sit down and sort through the pouch and put them all back in alphabetical order.

Maybe categorize them by character type or story line. But that would require so much cross

referencing for all those years of work.

Maybe he’d break down and ask his son, the computer whiz, to devise something along

the electronic gizmo line to deal with it. Give him another shot at talking to the boy. It had been

so long since they really talked.

“Why do we all make the same mistakes with our sons? He asked no one in particular.

Maybe best to let that be. He had his virtual reality. His son was discovering his own…

No time now to ponder which is better, imaginary creations of the mind or mechanical

effects of the machine, he decided, falling into character. The game afoot, and his superhuman

nose smelled a rat. And this rat was of the two leg variety.

He hoped that the cards had been stuck together long enough that some of Achilles brute

energy rubbed off on the sleuth and some of the detective’s mental skills made it over to the ill-

mannered warrior.

And if he was real lucky, maybe that bit about Achilles heel would rub away too. He

plunged ahead, not knowing which character would appear to confront the pirates.

Fortunately, these types aren’t usually well read. Maybe they won’t know about that heel.
* * *
Field Trip Pirates--73

No, it couldn’t have been old lame-o Mr J.

What Huey saw was a giant with long flowing blond hair topped by one of those dorky

Sherlock Holmes caps. He wore shining armor and in his mouth he had a huge pipe which

smoked like a chimney..

He held a sword in one hand and a giant magnifying glass in the other. And over his

shoulder he was carrying Mr. J’s weirdo saddlebag.

But boy, he was really giving it two ornery looking pirates.

Huey recognized the manikins from the tavern display. They must have hidden there,

disguised under the waxy make-up that still coated their faces, until they were needed by their

captain.

“Boys, stand back. And to take your mind off your fears, recite the capitals of the fifty

states.”

It was Mr. J…and still giving pop quizzes.

“Ah, the rest of the crew.” The pirate shouted. “And me old shipmate Barnacle Bill.

In disguise today to fool an old comrade, eh? You’re looking a bit odd, Bill. Get the cards mixed

up, have ye?”

“Lads, greet me old ship mate Barnacle Bill. Sailed with me once, ages ago when he were

a wee nipper. He’s what you call a “true seaman”. Loyal to the ideas of family and country.

Believes in kindness, honesty, and good manners. No stomach for keelhaulin’. Says his prayers

afore goin’ ta sleep each night. And educated too. He can read and write.” The pirate sneered,

spitting and making a sour face like he just slurped down an entire spinach and beet ice cream

sundae.

Field Trip Pirates--74

“Have ye seen the light and decided to join yer old mates, share and share alike Bill?”

Mr. J stabbed one of his assailants through the shoulder. That worthy fell back, while

the other tried to take advantage and snuck up from behind to attack. But the J man was too

quick for him and stopped him by whacking him over the head with the thick magnifying glass.

Then, he slashed him across the chest with his cutlass. The boys cheered as Mr. J forced the

swabs back into the shadows and out of sight.

Meanwhile, the pirate was climbing around the riggings near the top of the ship. He was

waving his sword at Huey ordering him to keel haul the curator once and for all so they could get

underway and do some treasure hunting.

“I’ll deal with that lubber Bill meself.” He cackled.

He pulled a pistol from his belt and took careful aim at Mr. J, then fired. It looked like he

missed but suddenly, Mr. J was hopping up and down, holding on to his heel.

“You see Bill.” The pirate said slowly, taking aim again. “I have done a bit of reading.”

Mr. J fell to the floor, groaning. But before the pirate could reload and aim his pistol,

he’d reached into his pouch and pulled out another card.

It read:

Incredible Houdini: Disappearing tricks a trademark.
Feats of magic performed routinely.
Transforms F report cards into straight A’s.
Chores finished with a snap of the finger. Vegetables changed to candy
No trick unplayable

Mr. J vanished. The pirate cursed. Then he looked down at the boys and cursed some

more. It was terrible cursing and under normal circumstances, the boys would have admired it.

Louis was a blubbering blob and Dewey was a babbling boob. Huey

Field Trip Pirates--75

stood alone, one musketeer facing this blood thirsty villain. His hands shook. His knees buckled.

His teeth chattered. He felt like the time the science class took a nature hike on the beach and to

show off, he ran into the ocean, forgetting it was February and the water was so cold he thought

he’d turn into an iceberg on the spot and float away to Antarctica.

Worse yet, the curator was still tied up and dangling over the side of the ship and the

boys were supposed to be keelhauling her. Huey still had no idea what keel hauling was

so he couldn’t obey the pirate’s orders even if he wanted to.

And this guy didn’t look like the type who explained what he wanted before he started

cutting off heads.

“I wish Jason was here. He’d know what keelhaulin’ is.”

* * *


Field Trip Pirates--76

In a flash of lightning reeking of gunpowder, the ropes were gone from the curator and

were instead tied tight around Huey.

The pirate lifted and tossed him over the side of the ship. Huey went under water. His

mouth was still open wide in surprise at the authenticity of the display so he swallowed a

barrelful of seawater and nearly drowned. Then he was dragged under the boat and pulled up on

the other side.

“That is keelhauling, you impudent imp. Maybe next time you’ll read a book before

you go along and ruin a perfectly good field trip.” The captain roared. “You sail with me and

you’ll learn that I never give an order twict.”

Huey couldn’t help himself. He wanted to be tough, want to be ruthless, wanted to be a

pirate, but getting keelhauled made him want his mommy.

So he cried. His sobbing made the pirate sarcastic. There’s nothing scarier than

a sarcastic grown up except maybe a sarcastic grown up pirate.

“Are ye goin ta peach on me to yer teacher or are ye goin ta take it like a seafarin’ man?”

the pirate roared. “A lad likes you needs the discipline now n agin. It’s like mother’s milk to

‘im.”

Huey’s ears shot up at that word, ‘discipline”. He was always on his guard sharp as a

tack, whenever an adult threw around words like ‘disciplne’.

But the pirate’s attention had already turned elsewhere. He spun the steering wheel and

the ship began turning faster and faster. Then it came unmoored and started drifting deeper into

the hologram of the open sea that covered the wall at the far end of the room.

* * *

Field Trip Pirates--77

The boys heard waves crashing. They felt the salt spray. The ship rocked as it appeared

to enter the wall.

“What an adventure this will be.” The pirate crowed, staring at the boys with his one

good eye, the other being covered by a black patch. The patch having switched from one eye to

the other since the boys first saw him.

“Come along swabs. Think of what yer leaving behind.”

The boys stared stupidly into the eye and fell again under the pirate’s spell. This time,

each boy saw his worst nightmare.

Louis could see himself doing piles of homework and actually having to feel happy about

it and after the homework, he was just as cheerfully doing chores like washing the dishes instead

of playing video games.

And he was sickeningly honest, always admitting when he did something bad and there

was never anyone around one to blame but himself whenever he screwed up

Dewey’s worst nightmare involved Brussels sprouts. Plates full of sprouts. He never ate

anything green and existed on a diet of Whoppers, fries and cokes with double cheese pizza on

the side. And here he was gorging himself on plates full of sprouts and always asking for more.

Then he’d do one of his Planet Weird drawings and no matter how he drew it, he was

always the head weirdo, doing all the stupid goody good stuff the creatures on Planet Weird

always did.

Huey saw his living hell was actually both of those things but only worse. In Huey’s

nightmare, not only did he do homework and act helpful while stuffing his face with green pukey

healthy stuff. He saw himself actually playing with his dorky dweeb doofus brother. And gag,

Field Trip Pirates--78

enjoying it.

The boys looked to each other, hoping to find some of that all for one toughness that they

were always talking about. Since they’d never read about the real Three Musketeers,

they had to rely on what made them the most feared kids in their grade at ____ school. But being

bullies didn’t help in this instance, they realized.

Bullies are actually cowards and in a pinch like this, bullies showed their true colors.

Instead of being dashing scourges of the Spanish Main, they felt like three very

frightened little boys who really didn’t have it that bad in the lives they led. They wanted no

parts of any “adventure” and couldn’t keep themselves from crying.

The pirate laughed at them.

“Arrrgh. I thought you was the worst of the worst, meanest of the mean. Surely, ye’ll be

fine once ye get yer sea legs. Maybe run a swab or two thru with your swords.”

The boys just wanted to go home.

“Swabs, I mean to have that treasure and by the powers if’n you shirking lubbers hinder

me I’ll have your livers for me supper.”

The sound of his cruel voice brought the boys hearts pounding up their throats

* * *


Field Trip Pirates--79

Mr J doesn’t look too good. I mean, he doesn’t