The OOBS, CC Raz [best ereader for academics txt] 📗

would build a HUGE wall between you and Jacob. And, it would probably end in divorce. Because eventually, you wouldn't be able to stand each other. It would make you guys loathe each other. Then you'd be like your mom, with a bunch of kids, no college education, pioneering and living in poverty, and trying to figure out why you're not happy. You'd have thrown away everything, all your life goals and requirements, and you'd be miserable.

I don't want that for you. I don't want you to be miserable. I want you to achieve your goals. But Jacob just gets in the way. He makes it impossible for you to go to Bethel or raise your children to be JW. And it'll make it harder for you to keep your spiritual strength.
    I know he quit smoking pot. But that doesn't mean that everything's okay now. You are ignoring the BIGGEST problem. And that bugs me. Right now, you're 16. It doesn't really matter. But maybe it does. I don't want you to get into the habit of compromising on stuff like this. It's not you, and it's not good for your goals.

In your letter that you wrote to all of us, you sounded like you had given up. Completely. On Bailey and I. But not on Jacob. You sounded like you were sure that Bailey and I were going to give up on you, and just drop you, because it got too hard. But you hadn't given up on Jacob. In fact, you wrote him his own letter that's longer than the one that all three of us have to share. And then you started ONLY putting Jacob's emails in the book on bookrix.
    If you're going to give up on anyone, why would you choose Bailey and I? What have we done that would make you think that you can't trust us, that we won't stay strong? You have plenty of past reasons to give up on Jacob. And NONE to give up on Bailey and I. It doesn't make sense to me.
    It probably sounds like I'm a jealous best friend here. "You care more about him than you do me! blah blah blah" But that's not it. It's not that I'm jealous. It's that I'm worried. You're just throwing everything away for this boy. And that's all that he is. He is a BOY.

I'm guessing you're probably staying in Colorado. And... I'll be honest here. I don't think you guys will last more than a couple months after you're up there for good. Because it would be too hard to hold on to the relationship. Here's why:
    You wouldn't get to see him, you wouldn't get to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, none of that. You would very rarely get to talk to him. It would have to be in secret. It wouldn't be like at school where you see him every day and can talk to him and see him in the mornings and all that. That would be gone.
    And without having him there, your thoughts wouldn't be clouded with the dreamy, I'm-in-love type thoughts. You'd be able to think about it rationally. And you'd know that you and Jacob can NOT be together. It completely destroys EVERYTHING that you've ever wanted your life to be. And without being able to talk to him or see him at all, you'd be able to see that more clearly, and you'd know that it wasn't worth it. And you'd break up with him. And it would be for real, for good. And it would hurt. And it wouldn't mean that you don't love him, and that there won't always be a special place for him in your heart. But you'd move on, with the help of God, and you'd heal. And then you could go on being the good, strong, beautiful (on the inside and out), faithful, spiritually strong girl that we all know and love.

I love you, Gwen. I don't want you to throw away your goals, your happiness, your relationship with God, your eternal future in Paradise, and your stength so that you can be with this boy.

I'll always love you. ALWAYS. No matter what decision you make, I'll always love you. I won't always support you in your decisions (like if you stay with Jacob), but I will always be there to love you, pick you back up off the ground, say I told you so, and help you get back on the right track, the track that you've ALWAYS wanted. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. ALWAYS.

I'm still praying, and still staying strong. And I'm waiting to hear from you. I'm hoping that maybe I'll hear from you soon. Something. At this point, you could be dead, and I wouldn't know. But I'll be here, waiting, praying, and staying strong. :) Love you.
Love,
Cassandra Shae

OOB#Mad props

6/16

Um... yeah. I was on facebook, and somone posted, "Mad props to the ones getting it on by the church. Way to keep GV classy." And I just stared at it. I thought it was REALLY cool that they used the word mad in that sentence. Because I didn't know that other people used it like that. :) Too bad it wasn't "Mad much props." :) 

No, baby don't
You're making my heart hurt
Don't say those words
Take it back
You know you don't mean that
You swore when you wore my ring
It meant forever
I've got it on baby
How can you say you lost it
You promised
I just found this song. And it's amazing. I love it. Really, really sad. But it's pretty amazing. I like it. :)

I think it's time for another one of my story tales. It's been a LONG LONG LONG time since I wrote one for you. :( Too bad I can't use my awesome crayons to decorate the pages. Unless.... I'll just write one on paper tonight and then I'll either take pictures, or just scan them onto the computer,and put them in the book. And it'll be AMAZING. :D
    But that's later.

For now, I'll tell you about my day and how amazing it was. It actually wasn't super amazing. But it was a good day. I hope your day was equally as good. Because... you know. I don't want you to be miserable. That would suck.
    Anyway, as you may or may not know, today was Fathers' Day. It started out and I was in a bad mood because Dad asked if Mom could have the kids this weekend, and when the kids called him to wish him a happy Fathers' Day, he didn't answer his phone. It really just PISSED ME OFF.
    But then we went to Nana and Papa's house for dinner at like 2. And that was good. Because all my surrogate (I really wish that spell check worked on this computer, but it doesn't. :( And I have no idea whether that's spelled right or not) dads were there. Papa, Ken, and Uncle Jeff. They've all taken care of me and supported me when my real dad hasn't. :) And having 3 dads? Pretty cool.
    I guess it's really not that great. You're supposed to have a dad, and a grandpa, and an uncle. They're supposed to support you, but they're supposed to be seperate. But oh well. I'll take all 3 of them. And we just had meat loaf (Nana makes really good meat loaf) and talked and laughed and had a jolly good time. 

But sitting with that group of people on Father's Day... I dunno. I've thought about this a lot before, but I think today was the final... decision, I guess? And I know I have a lot of time to think about this and it's like... why am I thinking about this now? But every other girl in the world plans their wedding from the time they're 13. So I can decide this now. Why not? It MIGHT change. But I highly doubt it.
    I want my wedding to be traditional. The white dress (that still symbolizes purity, at least for me), the church, all that. But the part that won't be traditional is that I won't have my dad walking me up the isle. Most dads don't have to earn that spot. Because the dad is always the one to walk the girl down the isle. Even in the least traditional weddings, the dad walks her down the isle. Unless the dad is dead or he has lost the priviledge.
  The priest/pastor asks who is giving the bride away. So Dad can't walk me down the isle. He can't give me away. Because I'm not his to give. I can't give away Sally's horse (I don't know who Sally is, but it's an example), because it's not mine to give away. It's Sally's. And Dad lost me. He chose to give me up a long time ago. Only he didn't give me to anyone. He kinda just left, and only comes back when it's convenient for him.
    So, Dad can't give me away. So who, then? Who walks me down the isle? There's no way that I can narrow it down to just one. Because they've all done SO much for me, in different ways, and they've all loved me and supported me in all that I do. Papa, Uncle Jeff, and Ken have been my step-in dads. They've done all the stuff that a dad is supposed to do. And Jake and Lawson... They haven't necessarily been my dads. But they're my brothers. And they love me and Jake has always been there to protect me when he thinks he needs to (now, granted, there was that one thing that happened right under his nose that he never noticed, but that was one thing. If something is brought to his attention, he's pretty good at being the big brother). And Lawson is just... He's my life. He makes every day for me so much brighter and easier, and I couldn't leave him out of that, even if he's not protective or anything. But... he's 6. Of course he's not super protective.
    So I'm pretty sure that I'll just have those 5 guys walk me down the isle. :) Because they have earned it.
   Despite the number of the people giving me away, I want to have a small wedding party. Like... 3 or 4 bridesmades and groomsmen, a flower girl, a ring bearer, and that's it. And a tiny little wedding. I really want to have it at St. Jude's, the church in Garden Valley. Because that's my home. Of course, any Catholic church would do. But the people in that parish? Those are my family. The only problem with that is that everyone that I invite has to fly up there, pretty much. But that's where I wanna have it. It prolly won't happen, but I can dream, can't I? Maybe I'll meet someone who has enough money to just pay for everyone's tickets. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah. Sure. That'll happen. :)

I'm gonna go now. I'll start on that fairy tale now. :) Love you!!

Still praying, still staying strong.
Love,
CC Raz

PS- Please don't think that the