Hold that Thought, - [top 20 books to read .txt] 📗

of the Survey process: Most people believe their thoughts are unique to them or are ashamed of them. Having thoughts printed on paper makes it clear they’re common. We can easily talk about them without wanting to hide in a corner. It may take weeks or months to uncover many of your subconscious beliefs without a survey. Starting with one gives you a solid foundation for discovering the beliefs that resonate most and can save time in getting to the bottom of your conflicts. You can create surveys around specific topics to uncover patterns of belief. For example, a dating coach and I developed a survey of beliefs related to dating and relationships. We’re quickly ready to see what’s blocking them. By bringing these patterns up to the surface in tandem, we’re able to tackle the most significant obstacles facing our clients from the get-go. You can access topic-specific surveys I’ve created at: Hold.ChanaMason.com/bonus They’re easy to use. Within five minutes, you can dismiss any thoughts you find ridiculous or give a 10 to those you believe to be absolutely true. You can use them as a reference point to measure progress. I have my clients retake the survey every couple of sessions. We can tangibly see how much they’ve shifted in their beliefs and where there’s still work to do. I suggest you do this as well.

I offered a health Survey to a client of mine; we’ll call her Wendy. She came to me because she wanted to lose weight and feared her obesity was going to lead to the heart disease experienced by her parents. The Survey included the statement, “skinny people are shallow,” which Wendy identified with the most. I suggested we focus the rest of our session inquiring about that one belief.

Chana: Is it true that skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: Yes. It feels that way.

Chana: Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Wendy: Hmm. Not for sure. No.

Chana: And how do you react when you believe that skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: I feel bitter and resentful when I see thin people. Even if I don’t know them, and I just see them walking down the street.

Chana: What else?

Wendy: I feel like sinking into my chair. I don’t really want to do anything. It feels heavy. Actually… it makes me feel fatter.

Chana: What are you unable to do when you believe that skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: I can’t think straight. I can’t make good decisions. I for sure can’t eat healthy stuff.

Chana: How do you benefit from believing the thought?

Wendy: The last thing I ever want to be is shallow. Like those ditsy girls in high school who were obsessed with their hair and make-up.

The upcoming question - and many throughout this book - follow the style of Barry Neil Kaufman’s Option Process, in which we question assumptions, seek to clarify the meaning of language, and explore the necessity of our emotions. The aim is to find answers within ourselves. Some Option questions are:

What do you mean when you say….?

Do you need to feel angry in order to make sure you don’t engage in that behavior?

Do you believe that?

How come?

Why did you do that?

How do you feel about that?

Here, I wish to lay out Wendy’s logic in a simple sentence so she can assess whether it serves her.

Chana: Do you have to believe this thought that makes you feel heavy and fat in order to be a deep person?

Wendy: Oh. I never thought of it that way. I guess not. I could just keep reading and thinking and feeling…

Chana: Can you reach your weight and health goals believing that skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: Well, I want to eat healthier, but I also don’t want to be shallow. Being a deep feeling and thinking person is really important to me.

Chana: So you’ve put yourself in a Double Bind. That’s a situation in which you want two things that you’ve made mutually exclusive. You want to be lean and healthy, and you want to be a deep person, but your belief only allows for one of those.

Wendy: And being shallow seems so horrific to me that I chose to be fat.

Chana: Exactly.

Wendy: So how can I change that?

Chana: You can explore other ways of thinking, particularly those that oppose the thought you’re currently believing.

Wendy: I can do that.

Chana: What’s the opposite of skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: Skinny people aren’t shallow?

Chana: Yes. Can you give me three reasons why that’s true?

Wendy: No. Not really.

Chana: Do you know anyone who is skinny and deep?

Wendy: Yes. Yes, I do. There’s Gene and Pamela and … Wow.

Chana: Why did you say, “Wow?”

Wendy: I just realized it’s a lot of people. As soon as I thought about it, I realized how many skinny, deep people I know.

Chana: Each one of those people is a reason why it’s true that skinny people aren’t shallow.

Wendy: That’s a lot of reasons.

Chana: Yes. Can you give me another turnaround for skinny people are shallow?

Wendy: Fat people are shallow.

Chana: Why is that true?

Wendy: Well, I can speak for myself. I end up spending so much time worrying how I look in my clothes when it gets really tight, and I probably shop for clothing more than my skinny friends who stay in the same dress size all the time.

Chana: And one more reason?

Wendy: There are plenty of fat folks reading People magazine and grooming themselves all the time.

Chana: Good to realize. Let’s do one more turnaround. Perhaps make yourself the subject this time. I’m…

Wendy: I’m shallow. Ooh. That hurts. And I can see how that’s true. I’m constantly looking at how others look or wondering what they think of me. I spend more time thinking about food, and I have less energy to do things because my body weighs me down.

Chana: Any other reasons?

Wendy: This is embarrassing. I assume skinny people have no depth just because of how much they weigh - can it get any more shallow than that?

Chana: You’ve put two human qualities, weight and depth, and correlated them. The bigger question here is whether they necessarily have anything to do with one another. Does physical size have anything to do with depth of thinking or feeling?

Wendy: You mean, does being skinny or fat have anything to do with whether you’re deep or shallow?

Chana: Exactly.

Wendy: Not when I stop to think about it. You can be skinny and either deep or shallow. You could also be fat and either deep or shallow. It depends more on your personality than on your frame.

Chana: So which of these qualities do you want for yourself ?

Wendy: I’d like to be thin and deep. That way I can be healthy, have energy, and be able to contribute more in the world.

Chana: Sounds like an inspiring goal.

Through filling out a health Survey, Wendy discovered some challenging beliefs she had lurking under the surface. Wendy had trapped herself in a bind by believing that she’d be missing out on one of her core values, depth, if she worked on one of her life goals, losing weight. By engaging in Inquiry, she was able to see how much suffering she was causing herself with this belief, but also how untrue it was when she faced it head-on.