Hold that Thought, - [top 20 books to read .txt] 📗
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Cindy: Calmer. The laundry feels less scary, actually.
Chana: What’s the opposite of being a homemaker means putting everyone else first?
Cindy: Being a homemaker doesn’t mean putting everyone else first.
Chana: How is that true?
Cindy: When I’m sick, the whole house falls apart, so I need to take care of myself.
Chana: What else?
Cindy: If I do everything myself, I don’t give my kids the opportunity to help out.
Chana: What’s a third reason?
Cindy: If I don’t do this in a balanced way, I’ll be grumpy all the time. I think my kids would rather have a messy house than a grouchy mom. So would my husband, that’s for sure.
Cindy and I explored other turnarounds until she came to see that taking care of herself was the best way she could keep her home a place everyone, including herself, wanted to be. At the beginning of each of our next sessions together, I reread the list to Cindy, and we crossed out the limiting beliefs that no longer resonated. Sometimes we found new beliefs to add to her Thought Bank and wrote those down. Over time, the list dwindled to nothing and we knew our work in this area was done. One desperate housewife, slightly less desperate!
Like your local branch of Citizens Bank has a stockpile of cash to withdraw, your head holds mounds of thoughts about everything. When they’re stuck in your mind, it’s as if they’re locked in the vault. Getting thoughts out on paper is like putting them on the teller’s counter, clearly spread out before you.
A decade ago, a group of my female friends, all moms, got together every week to engage and build skills in Inquiry. Sometimes we focused our energy on facilitating one woman through a specific challenge she was facing in her life. Other times, we wanted to focus on an area affecting all of us, such as motherhood. We started by building a Thought Bank of beliefs we could work on for a few weeks. In one particular meeting, each of us wrote at the top of our page:
Mothers should
To this, we collectively responded:
Mothers should help kids with homework.
Mothers should be warm.
Mothers should cook healthy meals.
Mothers should smile all the time.
Mothers should enjoy nursing.
Mothers should be patient.
Mothers should love their kids all the time.
Mothers should enjoy playing games.
We quickly gleaned a whole collection of beliefs we could use as fuel for Inquiry. At times, one of us would write something the others hadn’t thought to include, but the minute she said it, we all laughed (or cried) in agreement. Some thoughts made some women stressed, but brought me and others tremendous joy, such as, Mothers should cook healthy meals. I happen to love health, nutrition, and cooking, so it’s a pleasure for me to live that way. For others, the kitchen is a boring or frustrating place, so they felt tremendous frustration when they believed that thought.
One woman, Meredith, was particularly triggered by the thought, “Mothers should enjoy playing games.” We facilitated the Inquiry process with her as a group, which meant that we took turns asking questions or sharing feedback. For the sake of simplicity, I’m gathering all of our voices into one: “Group.”
Meredith: I can’t stand games.
Group: So why do you think you should like them?
Meredith: I don’t know. It’s what kids like.
Group: Did you like them when you were a kid?
Meredith: (laughs) No, actually. I’ve never liked them.
Group: So why do you assume that it’s what kids like?
Meredith: I guess I always thought I was weird. My family all liked playing games - everyone but me.
Group: So was it helpful for you growing up to have a mother who believed that, “Mothers should enjoy playing games?”
Meredith: No. She kept wanting to play with me. It felt like so much pressure. I think she believed kids should enjoy playing games, but that wasn’t me.
Group: How do you react when you believe it should be you?
Meredith: I get stiff. My neck gets tight.
Group: Anything else?
Meredith: Yeah, it’s like I’ve been punched in the stomach.
Group: Whose business are you in when you believe you should enjoy playing games? (Your Business is that over which you have total control and power to change. We’ll delve deep into this concept in the chapter There’s No Business Like Your Business.)
Meredith: It feels like I’m in my business, but really, it’s more like I’m in my kids’ business - like their lives will be ruined if I don’t play with them. I can’t know for sure that playing games is what they need from me.
Group: Why don’t you try turning it around? What’s the opposite of you should enjoy playing games?
Meredith: I shouldn’t enjoy playing games.
Group: Why?
Meredith: Well, because I don’t.
Group: Two more reasons…
Meredith: Because I read to them a lot and maybe if we played together, that wouldn’t happen as much.
Group: Why else?
Meredith: I’m stuck. Does anyone have an idea?
Group: I do. I’ve been trying to teach my preteen to seek outside help when he needs something. I just don’t have time to help him with all his projects. So for me, another reason not to do something your kids like is so they can learn to get their needs met in other ways. I don’t know if it’s healthy to have one person being the address for everything.
Meredith: I never thought of that. I like it.
Group: I have another one. I hate it when my mom is fake with me and pretends to take an interest in something she finds dull. I’d rather she say she’s not interested and we can connect on something we both like.
Meredith: So it’s okay for me not to like playing games?
Group: Is it the truth?
Meredith: Yeah.
Group: That’s the mom your kids got.
Meredith: It still somehow feels like not enough.
Group: What’s not enough?
Meredith: They want to play games and I won’t. I can tell it makes them sad.
Group: The bigger question is one of creativity. Are you the only way they can get this need met?
Meredith: Who would play games with my kids?
Group: I have an idea. You read to your kids but won’t play games. I hate reading out loud. How about you send your kids to my house for games and you can read to mine?
Meredith: Deal!
The Thought Bank brought my women’s group closer together. We saw how much commonality we shared, and we felt less isolated. We did Inquiry on many of the beliefs as a collective, which made the process feel light and playful, and since the Thought Bank was on paper, we could go back to it as a reference any time.
Note: The purpose of a Thought Bank is to collect beliefs for Inquiry. It’s crucial when exploring a belief that it be rooted in a specific situation. Mothers should be warm is best inquired when I’m visualizing the day I was in the kitchen, exhausted and cleaning up the burnt rice when my kid walked in the door from school. Specificity allows me to pin down not only my collection of beliefs around an event but also a tangible set of reactions to those beliefs.
Use The Thought Bank when you want to flesh out all your beliefs about a topic. The Rant weaves in nicely with The Thought Bank . It’s also a fantastic tool when facilitating groups in therapy or workshops. The process unites the members of the group and helps them dissipate any identification with or shame around the thoughts they believe.
Download a Thought Bank worksheet from the Free Bonus Section of my website:
Hold.ChanaMason.com/bonus.
Asking And That Means accesses the limiting beliefs underlying the words you are expressing.
In the space between stimulus (what happens) and how we respond, lies our freedom to choose. Ultimately, this power to choose is what defines us as human beings. We may have limited choices but we can always choose. We can choose our thoughts, emotions, moods, our words, our actions; we can choose our values and live by principles. It is the choice of acting or being acted upon.
- Stephen Covey
Eileen suffered from frequent panic attacks and constant low-grade anxiety. These feelings were overwhelming and blocked her ability to think straight and live with purpose. We had the following session the day after a particularly intense attack.
Eileen: I’ve been hunting for an apartment, and it’s so stressful.
Chana: Why is it stressful for you?
Eileen: Because sometimes the landlord will sign with someone else before I’ve even gotten to see a place. Or I find a great place with three bedrooms, but I only have one roommate so far.
Chana: And why is that stressful?
Eileen: Because I don’t know what’s going to happen.
Chana: And why is that challenging?
Eileen: Because I’m totally not in control!
So far we’re able to glean a few of Eileen’s beliefs:
She needs to know what’s going to happen.
She’s not in control.
She needs to have her roommate situation totally figured out before she signs anything.
Looking at apartments might be a waste of time.
It’s easiest to focus on one thought at a time, so let’s ask Eileen to choose the one with which she most identifies:
Eileen: For sure the fact that I’m not in control.
Chana: You’re not in control. Is it true?
Eileen: Yes! Totally!
Chana: Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you’re not in control?
Eileen: Yes.
Chana: How do you react when you believe the thought that you’re not in control?
Eileen: My chest tightens. It’s hard to breathe. My vision starts to fog up.
Chana: What else?
Eileen: I want to put my hands over my head and hide under my bed. It’s like the whole world is coming crashing down.
Chana: Take a deep breath. Good. Now imagine yourself in that same situation, but the thought that you’re not in control isn’t there. Who are you without it?
Eileen: I’m just me, I guess. My body has chilled out. I’m just standing in the apartment I’m checking out and enjoying how much light it has. I’m excited about living there.
Chana: What is the opposite of “you’re not in control?”
Eileen: I am in control.
Chana: Give me three reasons why that’s true.
Eileen: I can decide what I chose to focus on in the situation. I can decide who I talk to and which apartments I visit.
Chana: Great. What else?
Eileen: I decide how I react to the landlords.
Chana: Can you think of another turnaround?
One of the ways we can turn a statement around is by replacing the subject with “my thinking.” Our thinking brings thoughts to our attention without my conscious control. Ideally, we want our beliefs to serve us, not enslave us, so putting the seat of our thoughts in its place can help us take back the reigns.
Eileen: My thinking is not in control.
Chana: Fantastic. Can you think of three reasons why that’s as true or truer than your original thought?
Eileen: Well, my thinking can’t
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