Jolt!, Phil Cooke [reading women txt] 📗

next jolt is about boundaries and how drawing lines can increase the intensity and power of your life.

» JOLT #8

BORDERS

The Map of Who You Are

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

—DR. HENRY CLOUD AND DR. JOHN TOWNSEND, BOUNDARIES

In the age of social media, personal boundaries have become blurred to the point of being erased. People live their lives online and don’t think twice about sharing the most personal, intimate information with the world.

As a new generation enters the workforce, they’re discovering that living online has its downside. Those pictures of getting drunk during spring break at Daytona Beach seemed cute when posted on their Facebook or MySpace pages. But now, as they start job interviews, they discover the first thing employers do is an online search. Suddenly, pictures of puking on the lawn half-naked don’t seem so cute anymore.

While that may seem a comical example, many experts believe the age of privacy is over. I sat on a plane recently with a government analyst whose job is to profile potential terrorists for our military leadership. He explained the irony of privacy advocates getting upset over the Patriot Act, created after 9/11. He said not to worry about the Patriot Act. The existing databases are staggering, and if people knew how much personal information is already out there, they would be astonished.

The owner of a data mining company I talked with agreed. His company researches information on consumers for the advertising and marketing industry, and he confirmed that in a connected, online world, there is no privacy anymore. There’s even an iPhone app that does online background searches of personal databases—including the criminal activity of anyone you type into the program. Anyone can find out just about anything on anybody.

How do we come to terms with a world where the price of convenience is giving up our privacy?

» WE CAN START TO TAKE OUR LIVES BACK WITH THE ABILITY TO SAY NO.

Where should we create boundaries? Where do we draw the line in saying yes and no? When do others push us too far? How do we know when others are taking advantage of us?

Two issues are at stake here:

1. How much do we reveal about ourselves publicly?

2. Whenever we begin to change, people will notice, and not everyone will be happy with it.

I worked with a television soundman who came from a relatively poor background with little education or training. He had married young, and his wife was in the same situation—no real education, no ambition, and no clear future. Because they were both so much alike, they lived happily together for many years, until my friend attended a business conference that changed his life.

For the first time he realized the potential in the television industry and his own personal possibilities for growth. He went home with a real commitment to change his life. He first decided to enroll in night school so he could get his credentials as an audio engineer. Then he began attending more conferences, spending time with experienced engineers, and expanding his knowledge of the business. It didn’t take long for his supervisors to notice. Before long he received a significant raise, was promoted to assistant engineer at the facility, and got a bigger office and more responsibility. He was thrilled. All the hard work, extra effort, and changes he was making were paying off.

His life was fantastic—except for one area.

His marriage.

While my friend had spent the last year learning and growing, his wife had stayed exactly where she’d always been. She wasn’t interested in change. She liked life just the way it was and wasn’t the least bit interested in this new life her husband was enjoying. That’s when they began growing apart. First, they had less and less to talk about over dinner because the new things my friend was interested in didn’t interest his wife. When he wanted to travel to workshops and seminars, his wife never wanted to go because she preferred to stay at home. Slowly, their lives began moving in two different directions.

As he grew in the industry, he began taking more care in how he dressed, but she preferred the “old husband,” who wore jeans and T-shirts. She began criticizing him for pursuing new interests, new friends, and his new career.

Then she played the guilt card: “You don’t care about our family anymore. It’s all about you these days. What happened to the way we used to be?” And the manipulation began to work. He loved her and wanted to stay married, but she gave him no options: “If you want to stay with me, then you’ve got to stop this nonsense with your career and spend more time with me.”

To make a long story short, her plan worked. Little by little, he stopped learning, meeting new people, and taking on new responsibilities at work. As she manipulated him, he became more withdrawn on the job and stayed mostly in his office. He hung his new suits in the closet and began wearing his old clothes again. His supervisors noticed a change, but he refused to talk about it, and before long, he was his former self once again.

The bright future, unlimited possibilities, and destiny that lay within his grasp had now become an illusion.

Keeping a marriage intact is one of the greatest accomplishments anyone can pursue, but because my friend didn’t understand boundaries, he allowed his wife to manipulate and coerce him into becoming someone else. Because he refused to say no and clearly understand his boundaries, he allowed someone else to control and determine his future.

As you make changes in your life, you will encounter many people like my friend’s wife. People who prefer their drinking buddy, people who like having someone to gossip with, or who want to keep things the way they’ve