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have your testimonies built on! Re-enter 3 Neighbour, with his tools. 3 Neighbour

Is Jeremy come!

1 Neighbour

O yes; you may leave your tools;
We were deceived, he says.

2 Neighbour

He has had the keys;
And the door has been shut these three weeks.

3 Neighbour

Like enough.

Lovewit

Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

Enter Surly and Mammon. Face

Aside. Surly come!
And Mammon made acquainted! They’ll tell all.
How shall I beat them off? What shall I do?
Nothing’s more wretched than a guilty conscience.

Pertinax Surly

No, sir, he was a great physician. This,
It was no bawdyhouse, but a mere chancel!
You knew the lord and his sister.

Sir Epicure Mammon

Nay, good Surly.⁠—

Pertinax Surly

The happy word, Be Rich⁠—

Sir Epicure Mammon

Play not the tyrant.⁠—

Pertinax Surly

“Should be today pronounced to all your friends.”
And where be your andirons now? And your brass pots,
That should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?

Sir Epicure Mammon

Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors,
Methinks!

Pertinax Surly

Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.

Sir Epicure Mammon

Rogues,
He and Surly knock.
Cozeners, imposters, bawds!

Face

What mean you, sir?

Sir Epicure Mammon

To enter if we can.

Face

Another man’s house!
Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him,
And speak your business.

Sir Epicure Mammon

Are you, sir, the owner?

Lovewit

Yes, sir.

Sir Epicure Mammon

And are those knaves within your cheaters!

Lovewit

What knaves, what cheaters?

Sir Epicure Mammon

Subtle and his Lungs.

Face

The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs,
Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir,
Within these doors, upon my word.

Pertinax Surly

Your word,
Groom arrogant!

Face

Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,
And know the keys have not been out of my hands.

Pertinax Surly

This is a new Face.

Face

You do mistake the house, sir:
What sign was’t at?

Pertinax Surly

You rascal! This is one
Of the confederacy. Come, let’s get officers,
And force the door.

Lovewit

’Pray you stay, gentlemen.

Pertinax Surly

No, sir, we’ll come with warrant.

Sir Epicure Mammon

Ay, and then
We shall have your doors open.

Exeunt Mammon and Surly. Lovewit

What means this?

Face

I cannot tell, sir.

1 Neighbour

These are two of the gallants
That we do think we saw.

Face

Two of the fools!
Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has crazed ’em all.⁠—
Aside.
O me,

Enter Kastril.

The angry boy come too! He’ll make a noise,
And ne’er away till he have betrayed us all.

Kastril

Knocking.
What rogues, bawds, slaves, you’ll open the door, anon!
Punk, cockatrice, my sister! By this light
I’ll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore
To keep your castle⁠—

Face

Who would you speak with, sir?

Kastril

The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,
And puss my sister.

Lovewit

This is something, sure.

Face

Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

Kastril

I have heard all their tricks told me twice over,
By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

Lovewit

Here comes another.

Enter Ananias and Tribulation. Face

Ananias too!
And his pastor!

Tribulation Wholesome

Beating at the door.
The doors are shut against us.

Ananias

Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!
Your stench it is broke forth; abomination
Is in the house.

Kastril

Ay, my sister’s there.

Ananias

The place,
It is become a cage of unclean birds.

Kastril

Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the constable.

Tribulation Wholesome

You shall do well.

Ananias

We’ll join to weed them out.

Kastril

You will not come then, punk devise, my sister!

Ananias

Call her not sister; she’s a harlot verily.

Kastril

I’ll raise the street.

Lovewit

Good gentlemen, a word.

Ananias

Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

Exeunt Ananias, Tribulation, and Kastril. Lovewit

The world’s turned Bedlam.

Face

These are all broke loose,
Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad-folks.

1 Neighbour

All these persons
We saw go in and out here.

2 Neighbour

Yes, indeed, sir.

3 Neighbour

These were the parties.

Face

Peace, you drunkards! Sir,
I wonder at it: please you to give me leave
To touch the door, I’ll try an the lock be changed.

Lovewit

It mazes me!

Face

Goes to the door. Good faith, sir, I believe
There’s no such thing: ’tis all deceptio visus.⁠—
Aside.
Would I could get him away.

Dapper

Within. Master Captain! Master Doctor!

Lovewit

Who’s that?

Face

Aside. Our clerk within, that I forgot!
I know not, sir.

Dapper

Within. For God’s sake, when will her Grace be at leisure?

Face

Ha!
Illusions, some spirit o’ the air⁠—
Aside. His gag is melted,
And now he sets out the throat.

Dapper

Within. I am almost stifled⁠—

Face

Aside. Would you were altogether.

Lovewit

’Tis in the house.
Ha! List.

Face

Believe it, sir, in the air.

Lovewit

Peace, you.

Dapper

Within. Mine aunt’s Grace does not use me well.

Subtle

Within. You fool,
Peace, you’ll mar all.

Face

Speaks through the keyhole, while Lovewit advances to the door unobserved.
Or you will else, you rogue.

Lovewit

O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!⁠—
Come, sir. No more of your tricks, good Jeremy.
The truth, the shortest way.

Face

Dismiss this rabble, sir.⁠—
Aside. What shall I do? I am catched.

Lovewit

Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart.

Exeunt Neighbours.

—Come, sir,
You know that I am an indulgent master;
And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your medicine,
To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl?

Face

Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit⁠—
But here’s no place to talk on’t in the street.
Give me but leave to make the best of my fortune,
And only pardon me the abuse of your house:
It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow,
In recompence, that you shall give me thanks for,
Will make you seven years younger, and a rich one.
’Tis but your putting on a Spanish cloak:
I have her within. You need not fear the house;
It was not visited.

Lovewit

But by me, who came
Sooner than you expected.

Face

It is true, sir.
’Pray you forgive me.

Lovewit

Well: let’s see your widow.

Exeunt. Scene II

A room in

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