Major Barbara, George Bernard Shaw [bookstand for reading txt] 📗

word out o’ me mahth lawk thet, I’d give you suthink you’d feel ’urtin’, so I would. To Adolphus. You take my tip, mate. Stop ’er jawr; or you’ll die afore your time. With intense expression. Wore aht: thets wot you’ll be: wore aht. He goes away through the gate. Cusins Looking after him. I wonder! Barbara Dolly! Indignant, in her mother’s manner. Cusins Yes, my dear, it’s very wearing to be in love with you. If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young. Barbara Should you mind? Cusins Not at all. He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. Undershaft coughs. Barbara It’s all right, papa, we’ve not forgotten you. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I haven’t time. She goes busily into the shelter. Undershaft and Adolphus now have the yard to themselves. Undershaft, seated on a form, and still keenly attentive, looks hard at Adolphus. Adolphus looks hard at him. Undershaft I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins. Cusins flourishes his drumsticks as if in the art of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound. Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out! Cusins You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion? Undershaft Yes. Cusins Anything out of the common? Undershaft Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation. Cusins Disappointed, but polite. Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church. Undershaft The two things are⁠— Cusins Baptism and⁠— Undershaft No. Money and gunpowder. Cusins Surprised, but interested. That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it. Undershaft Just so. Cusins Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth? Undershaft Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life. Cusins Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder? Undershaft Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others. Cusins That is your religion? Undershaft Yes. The cadence of this reply makes a full close in the conversation. Cusins twists his face dubiously and contemplates Undershaft. Undershaft contemplates him. Cusins Barbara won’t stand that. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara. Undershaft So will you, my friend. She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow. Cusins Father Undershaft: you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hellridden evangelical sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals the true worship of Dionysos to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs. He plays a thundering flourish on the drum. Undershaft You will alarm the shelter. Cusins Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you⁠—He pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway. Undershaft Thank you. Cusins You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder? Undershaft No. Cusins Declaiming.

One and another
In money and guns may outpass his brother;
And men in their millions float and flow
And seethe with a million hopes as leaven;
And they win their will; or they miss their will;
And their hopes are dead or are pined for still:
But whoe’er can know
As the long days go
That to live is happy, has found his heaven.

My translation: what do you think of it? Undershaft I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master. Cusins You are damnably discouraging. He resumes his declamation.

Is it so hard a thing to see
That the spirit of God⁠—whate’er it be⁠—
The Law that abides and changes not, ages long,
The Eternal and Nature-born: these things be strong.
What else is Wisdom? What of Man’s endeavor,
Or God’s high grace so lovely and so great?
To stand from fear set free? to breathe and wait?
To hold a hand uplifted over Fate?
And shall not Barbara be loved forever?

Undershaft Euripides mentions Barbara, does he? Cusins It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness. Undershaft May I ask⁠—as Barbara’s father⁠—how much a year she is to be loved forever on? Cusins As Barbara’s father, that is more your affair than mine. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all. Undershaft Do you consider it a good match for her? Cusins With polite obstinacy. Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I don’t like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I don’t know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled.⁠—Not that I wish to be