Major Barbara, George Bernard Shaw [bookstand for reading txt] 📗

arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable? Undershaft You mean that you will stick at nothing not even the conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos. Cusins The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another: what does it matter? Undershaft Rising and approaching him. Professor Cusins you are a young man after my own heart. Cusins Mr. Undershaft: you are, as far as I am able to gather, a most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor. Undershaft mutely offers his hand. They shake. Undershaft Suddenly concentrating himself. And now to business. Cusins Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business? Undershaft Religion is our business at present, because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara. Cusins Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara? Undershaft Yes, with a father’s love. Cusins A father’s love for a grownup daughter is the most dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it. Undershaft Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are neither of us Methodists. Cusins That doesn’t matter. The power Barbara wields here⁠—the power that wields Barbara herself⁠—is not Calvinism, not Presbyterianism, not Methodism⁠— Undershaft Not Greek Paganism either, eh? Cusins I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion. Undershaft Triumphantly. Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself. Cusins How do you suppose it got there? Undershaft In towering excitement. It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel. Cusins What! Money and gunpowder! Undershaft Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command of life and command of death. Cusins Urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth. This is extremely interesting, Mr. Undershaft. Of course you know that you are mad. Undershaft With redoubled force. And you? Cusins Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons? Undershaft Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now With surging energy. question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides? Cusins No. Undershaft Reining him by the shoulder. Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm? Cusins Reeling before the storm. Father Colossus⁠—Mammoth Millionaire⁠— Undershaft Pressing him. Are there two mad people or three in this Salvation shelter today? Cusins You mean Barbara is as mad as we are! Undershaft Pushing him lightly off and resuming his equanimity suddenly and completely. Pooh, Professor! let us call things by their proper names. I am a millionaire; you are a poet; Barbara is a savior of souls. What have we three to do with the common mob of slaves and idolaters? He sits down again with a shrug of contempt for the mob. Cusins Take care! Barbara is in love with the common people. So am I. Have you never felt the romance of that love? Undershaft Cold and sardonic. Have you ever been in love with Poverty, like St. Francis? Have you ever been in love with Dirt, like St. Simeon? Have you ever been in love with disease and suffering, like our nurses and philanthropists? Such passions are not virtues, but the most unnatural of all the vices. This love of the common people may please an earl’s granddaughter and a university professor; but I have been a common man and a poor man; and it has no romance for me. Leave it to the poor to pretend that poverty is a blessing: leave it to the coward to make a religion of his cowardice by preaching humility: we know better than that. We three must stand together above the common people: how else can we help their children to climb up beside us? Barbara must belong to us, not to the Salvation Army. Cusins Well, I can only say that if you think you will get her away from the Salvation Army by talking to her as you have been talking to me, you don’t know Barbara. Undershaft My friend: I never ask for what I can buy. Cusins In a white fury. Do I understand you to imply that you can buy Barbara? Undershaft No; but I can buy the Salvation Army. Cusins Quite impossible. Undershaft You shall see. All religious organizations exist by selling themselves to the rich. Cusins Not the Army. That is the Church of the poor. Undershaft All the more reason for buying it. Cusins I don’t think you quite know what the Army does for the poor. Undershaft Oh yes I do. It draws their teeth: that is enough for me⁠—as a man of business⁠— Cusins Nonsense! It makes them sober⁠— Undershaft I prefer sober workmen. The profits are larger. Cusins —honest⁠— Undershaft Honest workmen are the most economical. Cusins —attached to their homes⁠— Undershaft So much the better: they will put up with anything sooner than change their shop. Cusins —happy⁠— Undershaft An invaluable safeguard against revolution. Cusins —unselfish⁠— Undershaft Indifferent to their own interests, which suits me exactly. Cusins —with their thoughts on heavenly things⁠— Undershaft Rising. And not on Trade Unionism nor Socialism. Excellent. Cusins Revolted. You really are an infernal old rascal. Undershaft Indicating Peter Shirley, who has just came from the shelter and strolled dejectedly down the yard between them. And this is an honest man! Shirley Yes; and what ’av I got by it? He passes on bitterly and sits on the form, in the corner of the penthouse. Snobby Price, beaming sanctimoniously, and Jenny Hill, with a tambourine full of coppers, come from the shelter and go to the drum, on which Jenny begins to count the money. Undershaft Replying to Shirley. Oh, your employers must have got a good deal by it from first to last. He sits on the table, with one foot on the side form.