to perjure herself even to the Almighty if Onl that would giveLlewelyn a measure of comfort "You must believe me Will was never able to pleasure me as you did," she said, and realized that she was not lying, after all, those feverish, urgent couplings with Will had never been more than flesh unto flesh, lacking utterly the deep and abiding intimacy of her lovemakmg with Llewelyn"You must believe me," she repeated "Think back upon our love making in the months after your return from Cen Did I want you any the less7 You know the answer to that, know how hot my blood ran for you Ah, Llewelyn we've shared so much, overcome so much What man could hope to compete with memories such as mine7 What man could hope to compete with you7" "Will de Braose ""He meant nothing to me' Why do you find that so hard to believe7 What of the women you've bedded with71 always told myself that yours were infidelities of the flesh, never of the heart Was I wrong7 What happened between Will and me did not touch upon the love I have for you It it was"She faltered and he said sharply, "Was what7 If it was not for love and not for lust, just why did you do it, then7 Christ, Joanna, why would you risk so much for so little7""I I do not know if I can make you understand I am not sure I fully understand it myself even now But this I can tell youit would never have happened if he had not been Maude de Braose s grandson "She had so often rehearsed this very speech, as an act of faith But she found herself fumbling for words, so fearful was she that he d no hear her out"There there was a strange sort of bond between Will and me Nonot carnal, not like that'" She could no longer meet his eyes, for she was now getting into an area of half-truths and equivoc tion, denying a sexual attraction that had been magnetic, fatefula mutual But that was a secret she would take to her grave, and she s hastily, wretchedly, "I never meant for it to happen, Llewelyn seeking only to comfort him, to" , (0"I see And in offering your sympathy, it seemed only natu offer yourself as well7 A veritable angel of mercy Tell me, Joanna of Will's cousin7 Jack deBraose suffered, too, at John's hands hi"1ore than Will, for he lost both father and grandmother in that Windsor , ngeonWhat of his grieving7 What did you feel obliged to do for him7"Patches of hectic color stood out suddenly along Joanna's cheekbones "Do you truly believe that, Llewelyn, believe I had other lovers7 That Will was not the first7 Or did you say that just to hurt me7"Llewelyn stepped back, gave her a long, measuring look "No," he said softly"No, I do not believe there were others " And then he slowly unbuckled his scabbard, sat down at the tableFor Joanna, that simple act was fraught with significance She took a seat across from him, knowing now that he would listen to hertruly listenand she'd never asked for more than that'Richard thinks it was an an act of atonement I told him that was lunacy, of course, but now I am not so sure I've never pitied anyone in my life as I
pitied Will that day He told me, you see, told me just how his grandmother and uncle died Maude went mad at the last Will told me she oh, God, Llewelyn, they found her teethmarks in her son's face1 And Will was not spared that He was but fourteen, and still they told him "Llewelyn had not known the gruesome details of Maude's death But it stirred in him no pity for Will, only outrage that he should have shared so grisly a secret with Joanna, the one woman least able to bear such a burden He reached for the wine cup but did not drink, pushed it, instead, across the table toward Joanna He was beginning to understand A clever man, de Braose God rot him, too clever by half Starvation and seduction and John again Always JohnJoanna drank deeply, gratefully She was perilously close to tears I sometimes dream of Maude, that Windsor dungeon Once or twice I ve even awakened screaming And I keep wondering if John knew, or if he would have cared ""You cannot blame yourself for John's cruelties, Joanna "' I know And I do not But I can blame myself for loving him For I did love him, Llewelyn There's a part of me that still does even n°w I think that's what I find hardest to admit or to understand, that I c°uld still bve him "Llewelyn found himself responding to the pam in her voice Re-aiming the cup, he, too, drank deeply Joanna reached out, her fingers°Pped just short of his But then she drew back, said quietly, "I am notBaking excuses, Llewelyn, truly I am not But I wanted you to under-n
676known Will as a lad, had not been able to identify so readily with his pain.If you had not"Llewelyn set the cup down with a thud. "What?" When she hesitated, he said, "Tell me, Joanna. We agreed this would be a night for truths. Tell me.""I am afraid to tell you, afraid you'll think I am blaming you.""What are you talking about?""About the de Braose marriages." She saw him stiffen and she leaned across the table toward him. "You can so easily misconstrue what I'm about to say. Ishall risk it, though, ask only that you hear me out. Llewelyn, I understand why you sought those alliances, I truly do. You did not act lightly, had compelling reasons for wanting the marriages. But that did not make it any easier for me. Four times I had to stand by as you married your children into the
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