Nearly Departed, Max Schlienger [the gingerbread man read aloud txt] 📗

“Getting cold feet, gentlemen?” He smiled broadly, making his eyes twinkle beneath his half-moon spectacles.

“Hardly!” Luke answered, raising his voice to match the man’s tone. “We’re just a little spooked.” A chorus of lighthearted groans came from the rest of the crowd, and Luke beamed appreciatively.

“Do me a favor,” the ghost hunter said. “When we start the tour, let me tell the jokes.” His eyes jumped to Dennis, and his smile became a look of recognition. “You... I know you, don’t I? You’re a writer?” Dennis only nodded, hoping that the assembled group would ignore him. “I thought so. We’ll talk later.” He clapped his hands once, making a surprisingly loud noise, and launched into a stream of practiced patter. “Well, folks, welcome to the Golden Gate Ghost Tour! My name is Jim, and I am – as it says on my business card – a professional ghost hunter!”

There was a smattering of applause, which was quickly silenced as Jim raised a spindly finger into the air. “Now, some of you might have the mistaken impression that a ghost hunter’s job is eradicate vengeful spirits. That’s not what I do. You’ll see me interact with a variety of haunted items and objects, but you won’t catch me wearing one of those proton packs!” He paused for laughter, of which there was little, before continuing, undaunted. “No, a ghost hunter’s job is to find ghosts, and to understand them. I’m a researcher and an historian, and I’m also – this might surprise you – a skeptic.”

“You’re not the only one!” Luke called.

Jim laughed and aimed a finger at Luke. “I can tell I’m going to have to watch this guy!” Then he nodded and addressed the crowd again. “But, he makes a valid point. How many people here believe in ghosts?” Two or three hands shot up, with a half dozen more tentatively following. Dennis remained still, unsure of how he should answer, but it wasn’t long before the ghost hunter was talking again.

“Well, I’ll tell you what my goal is,” he said. “My goal here, tonight, is to do everything I can to personally guarantee that each and everyone one of you will have a supernatural experience. I’m going to take you to some of the most notoriously haunted places in all of San Francisco, and I’m going to show you things that have no other explanation than to be called ‘paranormal.’ For those of you with cameras, I encourage photography, and you can feel free to ask any questions that you might have. Do we have any now?” He smiled invitingly.

After a few seconds, a young woman to Dennis’ left raised her hand and spoke in a hesitant French Canadian accent. “How far will we be walking?”

“It’s about a mile in total,” Jim replied. “A quarter mile up, half a mile around, and a quarter mile back.”

“Convenient that the ‘most haunted’ places in the city are all within a four-block radius,” Luke muttered.

Dennis shrugged. “Maybe that’s why he chose this place.”

“Did you have a question back there?” Jim asked. Dennis looked up to see the man’s eyes locked on his own.

“Uh, I was just wondering if that was why you chose this place. To start the tour from, I mean.”

Jim smiled and nodded. “As a matter of fact, that is why I chose this place. Some of the most powerful and reliable haunts in the area are right around here. But, that’s not the only reason. I also start the tour here because...” His voice adopted a quavering quality, like that of a ghost from a cartoon. “...This hotel is haunted!”

To Dennis’ mild disappointed, there was no flickering of lights or crash of recorded thunder to accompany the statement. Instead, the ghost hunter gave a brief history of the hotel’s history and origins as a wealthy merchant’s mansion, paying particular attention to the story of a woman who lived there. As Dennis suspected, this character soon became the central focus of the story, and was revealed to be the friendly, nurturing spirit that haunted the hotel. After allowing the group a moment to take in the story, Jim suggested that they all explore the building, stating that they would meet up again in ten minutes.

“Well, this is all very interesting,” Dennis said once he and Luke were alone. “I’m not sure how helpful it’s going to be, though.”

Luke nodded in agreement. “What I can’t tell is whether this guy actually believes any of it or not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, dude. He just seems too...” Luke trailed off, scratching his cheek. “Too sane, I guess. I mean, yeah, he tells a good story, but it’s like he thinks it’s normal or something.”

“It probably is to him,” replied Dennis. “Besides, you didn’t exactly question my sanity when I told you about the haunted chair.”

“Sure I did. I just didn’t say anything.”

The pair wandered aimlessly through the hotel, occasionally meeting other members of the group and exchanging polite conversation. The ten minute deadline turned out to provide exactly enough time for everyone to visit each of the hotel’s four floors and be back to the common room for the beginning of the tour. Jim stood waiting by the fireplace, holding a brass lantern and a leather satchel.

“Before we head out,” he said, “there’s a little ritual I want each of you to do.” He gestured the opposite side of the room. “Just inside the front door, there’s a mirror. On your way out, I want you all to look yourself in the eye and repeat this oath: I, your name, will be open-minded, safe, and respectful of the dead.” He smiled again. “If that doesn’t keep you safe, then you can always run away screaming!”

The group laughed politely, and with Jim leading the way, made their way towards the door. The mirror they had been instructed to stop at was much like the others Dennis had seen nearby, with an ornate gold frame and slightly foggy glass.