Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

was embarrassed and kept saying,‘It’s OK, he can sit there. I’ll sit in another chair.’But it wasn’t OK, for reasons unconnected with the actual sitting in the chair but to do with respect for my father and the hierarchy of the group. As with the child’s other challenging behaviour, he was trying to dominate – in this case my father – as he was trying to dominate me at home, and as he had been doing with his mother.

I would add that that child had some of the worst behavioural problems I have ever seen, but when he eventually learnt how carefree it was simply being a child, he turned into an absolute delight, cooperative but full of character.

Your phone

If your child has become leader of the pack, he or she will be dominating every possible situation, overtly or less obviously. Be on the lookout for situations when this is happening and stop it. For example, do not let your child answer the house phone each and every time it rings. This too is a form of control, where he or she is monitoring, and in charge of, your phone calls. Your child can answer the phone when you ask him or her to. Likewise, I see no reason for a child ever to answer your mobile, which is personal to you, unless you are in the bathroom and you have asked your child to answer it as a favour to you.

When you are speaking on the phone, does your child appear instantly and listen to your conversations, even interrupting as you speak? No longer. Either move to another room or tell your child to go and play quietly until you have finished speaking on the phone. Apart from the smallest of toddlers, where you will be keeping an eye on them the whole time, older children do not need to be party to your conversations.

If your child persists in being present or keeps trying to talk to you, making your phone conversation impossible, ask the caller if you can back later, and deal with your child’s behaviour. Tell your child that when you are on the phone he or she needs to play quietly; otherwise you will impose a sanction. Not only is it frustrating for you to keep having to interrupt your phone conversation to answer your child but your child is controlling you and, as with all other controlling behaviour, it is not acceptable.

Your conversation

The same applies if you are talking to another adult in person: it is a private conversation and your child should not keep interrupting. If you meet another adult in the street or supermarket, for example, or they drop by for coffee, you are entitled to have your conversation without constant interruptions. Clearly, if it is a conversation that the child should not overhear, then save the conversation until the child isn’t present, but otherwise there is no reason not to talk to your friends and associates. Adults often go out of their way to include a child in a conversation, but this isn’t necessary or advisable. A child who isn’t vying for control won’t continuously challenge you by interrupting – the child simply won’t be interested in your conversation; but the child who insists on being party to everything you say or do is dominating you.

Tell your child that when you are talking to an adult, wherever it is, he or she should not interrupt. You will need to enforce this as and when it happens, sanctioning if necessary.

Food

Food and mealtimes can present another challenge for a parent with a child who has become leader of the pack. If you have modified your mealtimes and what you eat to accommodate your child, stop and reverse the situation. Call the family to the dinner table at the time you and your partner have decided is dinner time, and insist all your children are present. Present the nutritious and well-balanced meal, of which all the children will eat what they want and leave what they don’t want. Obviously don’t force your child to eat something he or she really dislikes – all children have food preferences. Don’t make a big issue about what your child hasn’t eaten. Clear away the plates when the meal has finished.

Don’t pander to a child’s fussy ways and don’t be tempted to give them something different if he or she has eaten little. Food refusal in a child who is dominating you will have more to do with control than not wishing to eat. You will find that the child who is using food as a means of controlling and manipulating you will like something one day and reject it another. Children know from early on that it is very important for you, as the mother, to see your children well fed, but food is about satiating hunger, not power and control. Giving the child something different (at the meal table or later) will prove to the child that he or she has status above the rest of the family and is in control. Obviously if your child has special dietary needs, or is under the doctor, you will follow medical advice, but assuming your child is healthy, he or she should eat with the family and what the family eats, leaving what he or she dislikes.

Family norm

If your child has become leader of the pack, apart from pandering to food fads you will probably have been pandering to his or her wishes in general, modifying your behaviour and that of the family to suit the child and avoid a scene. From day one of turning around your child, he or she must now fit in with the family norm and not dictate it. Of course you should consider your child’s preferences when they are made reasonably and not demanded, but the child should ultimately adhere to the family, and not the family to the child.

One girl I know