Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

from a very loving and caring family had, by the age of five, complete control of her parents, and also her brother, who was older by three years. The family revolved around the girl and her needs, and didn’t do anything unless it had the girl’s seal of approval. Her dominance extended to family activities and outings, which were tailored to what she wanted.

One of many incidents took place on a Sunday morning, when the parents decided they would like to go ice skating, which the parents and older boy enjoyed and were good at, but which the girl wasn’t good at and therefore didn’t like – this was the reason the family seldom went. The parents, reasonably, said that if the girl didn’t want to join in the skating she could sit by the rink and watch, as many others did. They paid and went in, but the girl set up such a scene – a full tantrum – that the family abandoned their trip without even getting on the ice, and went home.

The older brother, although bitterly disappointed, as he loved skating, said nothing, aware his sister’s wishes always dominated and any protest on his part was pointless. Not only was this clearly unfair to the boy, who grew up feeling his views didn’t matter, but it gave the girl ultimate control, with an unrealistic perception of her needs being continually met to the exclusion of everyone else’s. Four years on and the situation remains the same, and although the grandparents are aware of the girl’s dominance they don’t feel they have the right to criticise.

I’ll say more of siblings later, but for now make sure that all children in the family have equal status and confirm to the family norm.

No excuses

A good indication that your child has gained control is your willingness to excuse your child. Do you find yourself making excuses for your child’s behaviour, to friends, family, neighbours and even yourself? ‘Jack is tired/not himself/sickening for something’ or even ‘likes his own way’. If your child’s behaviour needs excusing, then the behaviour is unacceptable. As leader of your pack you should be confident that you can take your child anywhere, into any social situation – restaurants, cinema, church, the homes of friends and family – and that your child can be relied upon to behave correctly. If not, your child is dominating you through his or her unreasonable behaviour, and you need to change this.

Often a child who is in control will use the presence of others to exert control, aware you will not want to chastise him or her in front of others with the possibility of a scene. Don’t be intimidated; deal with the unacceptable behaviour, using the 3Rs, just as you would at home, and your child will remember for the next time. No more excuses. As leader of the pack, you are in charge, and have the right to lead your pack anywhere you please and expect acceptable behaviour.

Reforming Siblings

The basic strategy for turning around a sibling group is in many ways the same as that for one child. The dos and don’ts set the atmosphere and ground rules for one child so that siblings develop and flourish as individuals, as well as nurturing their cooperation and negotiation as part of the family group. If, however, this hasn’t happened in your house and your children are out of control, individually and collectively, here are some strategies for turning around their behaviour and getting them back on track.

Before you embark on changing your children’s unacceptable behaviour, familiarise yourself with the other factors that can affect children’s behaviour – for example, moving house, divorce or remarriage. Be sensitive to any factors that may have affected one child, or all the children in your family, but do not let those factors be used as an excuse for the child or children behaving badly. As we have seen, children need routine and boundaries, even when working through change or family crisis; indeed they need security and stability more than ever when other aspects of their lives are out of control.

First steps

1. The first step for you and your partner (if you have one) is to decide a routine, which will encompass your objectives – for example, the children getting up on time in the morning, meals, clearing up, etc. Also draw up your house rules that prohibit the children’s negative behaviour – no shouting, swearing, throwing things, hitting, pinching, etc. – as well as encouraging positive behaviour – be kind, helpful, gentle, patient, etc.

2. Now call a family meeting, where all the children are present, even the baby. Although the baby won’t be able to contribute much it is important that the older children see the baby included as part of the family unit.

3. Stand with your partner at the front of the meeting while your children are seated, thus emphasising your authoritative presence. This should be done even if you have only two children. Make sure all the children are seated, quiet and listening before you or your partner start to talk. If the children are all over the place, then praise the one child (and there will always be at least one) who is doing as asked and sitting quietly waiting – ‘What a good boy!’ – and the others will follow the example.

4. Whichever one of you is doing the talking should state that you are both concerned about some of the children’s behaviour, but that is all going to change now and improve. Be positive, speak evenly and firmly, and hold yourself upright. You and your partner are leaders of the pack.

5. Explain your new routine and what is expected of the children – for example, they are to get up for school when called at 7.00 a.m., take turns in the bathroom, all come for dinner when called at 6.00 p.m., put dirty washing in the laundry basket, etc. If any of the