Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

Start each day afresh and assume positive behaviour, no matter how difficult the previous evening was.

Reward all positive behaviour with verbal praise until the behaviour becomes the norm.

At the end of the first week hold a meeting when you praise the children as a group for trying really hard to improve their behaviour and follow the routine. They will have tried really hard, because you and your partner will have made sure of it by closely monitoring their behaviour and reinforcing the guidelines using the 3Rs. Give each child a chance to speak at the meeting, with everyone listening, so that he or she can say what they feel has gone well and what needs improving. Don’t let one child put another down at this meeting; everyone’s opinion is valid. Keep the weekly meetings going for as long as you feel they are necessary. I find it a useful tool even when things are going smoothly – it reinforces cooperation, reduces confrontation and bonds the family unit.

And take heart: the vast majority of siblings who do not easily get along with each other as children go on to become the best of friends as teenagers or adults.

CHAPTER SEVEN

Not Your Own

Step-parents

A stepfamily is formed when a parent enters a new marriage or begins cohabiting, usually following divorce or the death of the natural parent. Step-parents do not have an easy time of it, no matter how well prepared they are or how positive the new family is about all living together. Step-parents traditionally have a bad press. Folklore in many cultures depicts the wicked stepmother, as in the ‘Cinderella syndrome’, while in Western countries a stepchild is ten times more likely to be abused than a child living with his or her natural parents. A new step-parent will often feel he or she is on trial – being scrutinised, assessed, questioned and found lacking by the stepchildren, and sometimes by his or her partner.

However, stepfamilies are not all gloom and doom, and many are very successful, with the step-parent working in partnership with the natural parent, and as a positive addition to the child’s absent parent. There is much the step-parent can do to create and maintain a positive environment for the stepchildren, which will go a long way to ensuring the success of the new family unit.

Young stepchildren

If you are the step-parent of a baby or very young child (below the age of two), you will find your role of step-parent considerably easier, and that the bond of affection is forming more quickly than it might with an older child. The very young child will not view you as usurping the position of the natural parent, and young children are more receptive and adaptable to new routines and guidelines.

You will still need to allow a period of adjustment in the new family; even a baby will be aware of changes in a household. But the success of your role as step-parent, both in nurturing and guiding your young stepchild, will be largely in your hands, as you will not have to ‘step into the shoes’ of the absent parent who was previously in that role. This is especially true of the young child who is not in contact with his or her natural parent, for example in the case of a single mother (or father). You and your partner will be relatively free to introduce your routine and guidelines, and parent as you see fit, although of course you should answer honestly any questions the child might later have about his natural parent.

If the young child has contact with his or her natural parent, then as the step-parent you will have to be sensitive not only to the child’s needs but to the feelings of your partner and the absent parent, as everyone adjusts to the new family. Do not, for example, actively encourage your young stepchild to call you Daddy (or Mummy); if it’s going to happen, let it happen naturally and at the child’s pace. It will be less confusing for the young child, and also less likely to cause resentment on the part of the absent parent – it is surprising just how emotive the name a child calls the step-parent can be.

Older stepchildren

It is less likely that an older stepchild (or stepchildren) will have the dilemma of what to call you: they will be aware of their natural parents, and call them Mum and Dad, and will probably refer to you by your first name. Never attempt to erode the relationship your stepchild has with the absent parent, no matter how much you yearn for the child to see you as mum or dad. Acknowledge the relationship the child has with the absent parent, and if possible work with it, both in nurturing and discipline. For example, if your stepchild has just returned from seeing his or her natural parent, ask them if they had a nice time and listen to their reply. If your stepchild, while watching you do something, says, ‘My mum doesn’t do it like that,’ don’t take it as a criticism but use it as an opening to conversation by saying something like, ‘Oh, really, how does she do it?’ And listen to the reply. This will make for happier and smoother relationships all round.

At home, remember that your partner will have spent years building up his or her relationship with the child, so in the early months of the new family being formed, let the natural parent take the lead and take direction from your partner. This is crucial when it comes to disciplining your stepchild, but should also be applied to showing affection, nurturing and whatever else you want to do for your stepchild. Obviously be supportive of your partner, but don’t seek to take the initiative in the early months, particularly when it comes to guiding and correcting your stepchildren’s behaviour. This