Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

for all the right reasons and said how much he’d enjoyed it. At the time he’d been very challenging and I remembered I’d had to be very firm. It just goes to show that even in a very short time you can do some good.

Long stays or permanent

If you are parenting a child either long term (more than twenty-eight days) or permanently (for example by adopting), then the social services will have been involved at some point, and may still be. You should have been made aware of the child’s history, if you didn’t already know it, and any special needs, which will help you to settle the child into your family.

The honeymoon period I mentioned earlier is likely to have an even greater impact in such circumstances. All members of your family, and the child, will be aware that the child is going to live with you for a long time, and all of you will be desperately wanting everything to be perfect and trying to make it so. The child’s behaviour in the early weeks is likely to be exemplary as he or she seeks to ingratiate him or herself into your family and win your love and attention. In return you and your family will be going out of your way to welcome and include the child, trying to compensate for the fact that the child is not able to live with his or her own parents, and possibly over-compensating. This is only natural, but the ‘high’ cannot last for ever, and after the initial euphoria of the honeymoon period, routine and familiarity will set in and the child will start to test you and your boundaries. As with all testing, this will be the child’s effort to confirm that you really do love him or her, and will love him long term, no matter how difficult his or her behaviour.

Foster carers often arrive at a support group meeting singing the praises of a child who has just gone to live with them, and who has a reputation for very challenging behaviour but appears to be an angel. A month later they are exhausted, at their wit’s end, and unable to equate the child with whom they are now dealing with the one who first arrived. I’ve experienced this dramatic change in a child’s behaviour many times, and am now prepared for the ‘backlash’. If you are looking after a child whose behaviour seems too good to be true, then the chances are it probably is. A child can only internalise pain for so long; then it has to come out.

When the child first arrives, explain your household routine, and put in place the boundaries for good behaviour. Don’t wait until the situation deteriorates before you start. Remember: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm. Make the most of the honeymoon period as a time for you and your family to bond with the child while you have his or her cooperation – it will form a sound basis on which to work later when the child starts to test you. It will come as a shock to you the first time you have to apply a sanction for unacceptable behaviour to a child who has previously been well behaved, but it is essential you do so. This is the first big step in consolidating the relationship between you and the child.

As in the case of the step-parent who is tested by his or her stepchild, dealing with testing is about reassuring the child. You are proving to the child that you care enough to make sure he or she does the right thing. Ignoring bad behaviour can so easily seem the easier option in the early days, but don’t be tempted to go down that path, or you will be storing up trouble for later. Once you and the child have worked through a difficult period, the child will be reassured that no matter how dreadful his or her behaviour is you will still be there for him or her, loving and caring as you always are.

In my experience testing usually begins between the second and fourth week. It is at this point the child and the family have relaxed into being with each other and are no longer all on their ‘best behaviour’. The testing period can last for months, especially if left unchecked. However, the worst can be over with in two weeks if you establish your authority and control, using the 3Rs.

During a difficult period, enlist and utilise the help of all family members, including your natural children and any other children you may have living with you. Having a child for a long or permanent stay is a whole-family affair, and it is important that you all work together through the ‘bad’ times as well as all enjoying the good times.

Thousands of readers emailed me after the publication of my fostering memoirs, and one comment was repeated time and time again: what an asset my children were in coping with the sometimes very aggressive and disturbed behaviour of the children we fostered. I must admit that because Adrian, Lucy and Paula had grown up with fostering, and indeed Lucy was a foster child whom I adopted, I took their input largely for granted. The readers’ comments made me realise just what a valuable role they played in fostering, particularly when a child was very challenging, and I took a moment to tell them and thank them. Not only can all family members be a valuable source of encouragement and support, but they can make you that much-needed cup of tea and keep an eye on the child while you take five minutes’ quiet time when your resources are low.

However, never let a child take responsibility for disciplining another child, even if the child is much younger. Discipline should always be the domain of the adult carer. Children can encourage