Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

Make sure your affection, attention and time are divided equally and fairly between your stepchildren: clearly you mustn’t show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child may be compared to the other children.

Being fair will obviously also apply if you have children of your own living with you as part of your stepfamily. If you have children who live with your ex, make sure the same boundaries for good behaviour apply when your children visit you and your stepfamily. Double standards will be spotted by all the children, but especially by your natural children if they live apart from you, as they will (understandably) be feeling resentful that you spend more time with your stepchildren than you do with them, even if they have a very good relationship with their own stepparent.

Stepfamilies can be incredibly complicated, especially when one or both parents have children from more than one marriage, but the same age-appropriate boundaries for good behaviour and techniques for managing behaviour that we have looked at earlier should be applied to all. There is a tendency for parents to be stricter with their own children than with stepchildren, which comes from confidence and familiarity. Be aware of this when you are all together, and always be consistent and fair. If your own children live with your ex, then spend some time with them away from your new home and family – they will need this ‘special’ treatment to redress the balance of your absence. As you are sensitive to and respect the role of your stepchildren’s absent parent, so too be aware of your ex and his or her new partner – they will be struggling and coming to terms with the creation of their new family unit, just as you are with yours.

Don’t blame the stepfamily

If any of the children – natural children or stepchildren – show challenging behaviour, do not immediately jump to the conclusion that it is a result of the family situation, i.e. being your stepchild or having a step-parent. It could be for reasons unconnected with the stepfamily, and you and/or your partner will need to spend time talking to the child to find out what the problem is. As with all children who suddenly exhibit challenging behaviour, hear alarm bells and investigate. Perhaps the child is being bullied at school or is worried about forthcoming exams. Don’t assume that the child now being in a stepfamily is the reason for his or her challenging behaviour; nevertheless, be sensitive to the fact that it might be.

Step-parenting essentials

Discipline must always take place in the context of respect, love and affection, and you should develop these with your stepchildren while maintaining your bonds with your own children, who may be living away from you. The rules for good behaviour and the strategies for managing behaviour that we have looked at in this book apply to all children – natural children and stepchildren. Be consistent, clear, firm, patient and loving; and with the new stepfamily, allow time.

Last but not least, don’t neglect the relationship you have with your partner: invest time and privacy in building and strengthening your bond. Your partnership is crucial to the family and ultimately its success will be responsible for the success, happiness and longevity of your stepfamily.

Acting Parents

A stepfamily is not the only family situation where an adult takes on the responsibility for parenting children other then their own. Members of the extended family – grandparents, aunts, older brothers or sisters – or a close family friend sometimes assume the role, in loco parentis, as do foster carers and adoptive parents. The arrangement may be short or long term, or permanent, and in the case of adoptive parents they become the child’s/children’s legal parents, having all the rights and responsibilities the law affords natural parents.

In the UK at any one time there will be over 100,000 children being parented by adults who are not their birth parents; in the USA there are over 600,000. As well as providing for the child’s/children’s physical needs – a home, clothing, food and warmth – you will be meeting the child’s emotional needs – for love, attention, affection, empathy – and of course giving guidance and discipline. This is not always easy if the child is older and arrives with preconceived ideas and a package of behaviour already in place. This chapter gives suggestions and strategies for looking after children who are not your birth children, whether for a few days or permanently.

You may find yourself parenting a child who is not your own as a result of any of a number of reasons – death or illness of one or both parents, neglect or abuse by the parents, the parents’ inability to look after the child, a parent’s committal to prison, or possibly the child has been sent to live with you by a relative in another country to give the child the chance for a better life. In the UK, if someone else’s child lives with you continuously for twenty-eight days or longer then it is known as a private fostering arrangement and you are legally bound to notify the social services that the child is with you; failure to do so is an offence. This is to safeguard the child, but it is also advantageous to you as the carer, because it opens up support, both financial and through help and advice, to which you would not otherwise have had access.

Routine and boundaries

Whether the child is with you for a short time, as in the case of a parent going into hospital, or for longer, and for whatever reason, the child will still need a clear routine, guidance and boundaries. If the child is with you for a few weeks and will be returning to the natural parents, then continue, as much as possible, with the routine and boundaries that have already been put in place by the parents, and which the