Happy Birthday, Wanda June, Kurt Vonnegut [ereader for android .txt] 📗

in there in the last six weeks!

The police won't even go in there any more.

WOODLY

I wish Paul luck.

PENELOPE

It's suicide!

WOODLY

I'd be dead by now if that were the case.

PENELOPE

Meaning?

WOODLY

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Every night, Penelope, for the past two years, I've made it a point to walk through the park at midnight.

PENELOPE

Why would you do that?

WOODLY

To show myself how brave I am. The issue's in doubt, you know--since I'm always for peace-PENELOPE I'm amazed.

WOODLY

Me, too. I know something not even the police know--what's in the park at midnight. Nothing. Or, when I'm in there, there's me in there. Fear and nobody and me.

PENELOPE

And maybe Paul. What about the murderers? They're in there!

WOODLY

They didn't murder me.

PENELOPE

Paul's only twelve years old.

WOODLY

He can make the sound of human footsteps--which is a terrifying sound.

PENELOPE

We've got to rescue him.

WOODLY

If he is in the park, luck is all that can save him now, and there's plenty of that.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

PENELOPE

He's not your son.

WOODLY

No. But he's going to be. If he is in the park and he comes out safely on the other side, I can say to him, "You and I are the only men with balls enough to walk through the park at midnight." (pause)

On that we can build.

PENELOPE

It's a jungle out there.

WOODLY

That's been said before.

PENELOPE

He'd go to a movie. I think that's what he'd do. If I were sure he was in a movie, I could stop worrying. We could have him paged. Lion doorbell roars.

WOODLY

I hate that thing.

He opens the door, admits SHUTTLE, who carries a bakery box.

PENELOPE

Did you see him?

SHUTTLE

Yeah.

PENELOPE

Is he all right?

SHUTTLE

Far as I know.

PENELOPE

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Is he coming home?

SHUTTLE

He ditched me. He started running, and I started running, then he lost me in the park.

PENELOPE

The park!

SHUTTLE

It's dark in there.

PENELOPE

And that's where he is!

SHUTTLE

I figure he ducked in one place and ducked out another.

PENELOPE

(disgusted with him) You figure!

SHUTTLE

Then I saw this bakery store that was still open, so I bought a birthday cake.

PENELOPE

A what?

SHUTTLE

For Harold. When Paul comes home, we can have some birthday cake.

PENELOPE

How nice.

SHUTTLE

They had this cake somebody else hadn't picked up. It says, "Happy Birthday, Somebody Else."

WOODLY

"Happy Birthday, Wanda June!" file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (25 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

SHUTTLE

We can take off the "Wanda June" with a butter knife.

PENELOPE

Did you talk to Paul?

SHUTTLE

Before he started to run. He said his father carried a key to this apartment around his neck--and someday we'd all hear the sound of that key in the door.

PENELOPE

We've got to find him.

(preparing to exit through front door) I want you to show me exactly where you saw him last.

(to WOODLY)

And you stay here, Norbert, in case he comes home.

(to SHUTTLE)

That's all he said--the thing about the key?

SHUTTLE

He said one other thing. It wasn't very nice.

PENELOPE

What was it?

SHUTTLE

He told me to take a flying fuck at the moon.

Blackout.

SCENE THREE

DARKNESS. Lights come up on living room. WOODLY is alone, asleep on the couch.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

HAROLD lets himself and LOOSELEAF in through the front door--quietly. HAROLD has a full beard and a paunch. LOOSELEAF is skinnier. He has a handlebar moustache. Both wear new sports clothes and smoke expensive cigars. HAROLD is calm. LOOSELEAF is nervous, confused. They prowl the room cautiously, checking this and that. HAROLD awakens WOODLY by playing with his feet.

WOODLY

(startled)

Ooops.

HAROLD

(to LOOSELEAF, very amused) Ooops.

WOODLY

Can I--uh--help you gentlemen?

HAROLD

(moving downstage, feeling at home)

Gentlemen--that's nice.

WOODLY

(to LOOSELEAF)

You startled me.

LOOSELEAF

Yeah. We just got here.

WOODLY

I thought you might be burglars-but you're not, I hope.

LOOSELEAF

Nope.

(idiotically,

incapable of deception) I got a lot of stuff.

WOODLY

(looking at him closely) You do?

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

HAROLD

The door ws unlocked. Is it always unlocked?

WOODLY

It's always locked.

HAROLD

But here you are inside, aren't you?

WOODLY

You're--you're old friends of Harold Ryan?

HAROLD

We tried to be. We tried to be.

WOODLY

He's dead, you know.

HAROLD

Dead! Such a final word. Dead!

(to LOOSELEAF)

Did you hear that?

LOOSELEAF

Yup.

Telephone rings. WOODLY answers, keeping his eyes on the bizarre guests.

WOODLY

Hello? Oh--hello, Mother.

HAROLD

(to LOOSELEAF)

Hello, Mother.

WOODLY

...Who?... Did she say how far apart the pains were?... When was that?... Oh dear.

HAROLD

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Oh dear.

WOODLY

Call her back--tell her to head for the hospital. Tell the hospital to expect her. I'll leave right now. He hangs up, faces the intruders.

WOODLY

Look--I'm sorry--I have to go.

HAROLD

We'll miss you so.

WOODLY

Look--this isn't my apartment, and there isn't anybody else here. Mrs. Ryan won't be home for a while.

HAROLD

Oh, oh, oh--I thought it was your apartment. You seemed at home here.

WOODLY

I'm a neighbor. I have the apartment across the hall. I have to go to the hospital now. An emergency.

HAROLD is unstirred.

WOODLY

I mean--I can't leave you here. You'll have to go. I'll tell Mrs. Ryan you were here. You can come back later.

HAROLD

Ahh--then she's still alive.

WOODLY

She's fine. Please-HAROLD file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (29 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

And still Mrs. Harold Ryan?

WOODLY

Will you please go? An emergency!

HAROLD

She still has just the one child-the boy? He moves slowly toward the front door, with WOODLY trying to hustle him and LOOSELEAF out.

WOODLY

Yes! Yes! The boy! One boy!

HAROLD

(stopping)

And what, exactly, is your relationship to Mrs. Ryan?

WOODLY

Neighbor! Doctor! I live across the hall.

HAROLD

And you come into Mrs. Ryan's apartment as often as you please, looking into various health matters?

WOODLY

Yes! Please!