Happy Birthday, Wanda June, Kurt Vonnegut [ereader for android .txt] 📗

He sits on the front seat of an imaginary car. The seat is covered with zebra skin.

HAROLD

The night I met Penelope, I had no beard--so imagine me, if you can, without a beard. Actually, I wasn't as good-looking then as I am now. And, if anything, me health has improved. At any rate--I had just come home from Kenya--to discover that my third wife, Mildred, like the two before her, had become a drunken bum. In my experience, alcoholism is far more prevalent among women than men. So I got into my automobile-He pantomimes turning the ignition key. The sound of a starter and a powerful engine responds. He pantomimes putting the car in gear and driving away from the curb. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (42 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:52 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Appropriate sounds are heard.

HAROLD

I drive through the night, until I was attracted by a sign which said-Spotlight comes up on PENELOPE, who wears a skimpy carhop outfit she has had on under her coat in the previous scene.

HAROLD

"Hamburger Heaven."

PENELOPE

Heaven.

HAROLD pantomimes swerving into Hamburger Heaven. Tires squeal. He pantomimes a stop, kills the engine. He blows his imaginary horn. A real horn blows the bugle call for

"charge." PENELOPE crosses to HAROLD.

PENELOPE

Can I help you, sir?

HAROLD

I think so, daughter. How old are you?

PENELOPE

Eighteen-(pause)

and a half.

HAROLD

A springbok, an oryx, a gemsbok--a gazelle.

PENELOPE

Sir?

HAROLD

Raw hamburger, please--and a whole onion. I want to eat the onion like an apple. Do you understand?

PENELOPE

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Yes, sir.

(to the audience)

It was a very unusual automobile. It was a Cadillac, but it had water buffalo horns where the bumpers should be.

(to HAROLD)

And what to drink?

HAROLD

What time do you get off work, my child?

PENELOPE

I'm sorry, sir, I'm engaged to be married. My boyfriend would be mad if I went out with another man.

HAROLD

Did you ever daydream that you would one day meet a friendly millionaire?

PENELOPE

I'm engaged.

HAROLD

Daughter--I love you very much.

PENELOPE

You don't even know me.

HAROLD

You are woman. I know woman well.

PENELOPE

This is crazy.

HAROLD

Destiny often seems that way. You're going to marry me.

PENELOPE

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

HAROLD

My parents died in an automobile accident when I was sixteen years old. They left me a brewery and a baseball team--and other things. I live for a living. I've just come back from Kenya--in Africa. I've been hunting Mau Mau there.

PENELOPE

Some kind of animal?

HAROLD

The pelt is black. It's a kind of man.

Blackout.

SCENE SIX

CURTAIN rises on empty living room. PAUL lets himself in with a key.

PAUL

Mom?

(silence)

Herb?

(silence)

Dr. Woodly?

(advances into room uneasily) Hello?

(sees the cake)

A cake? Who's Wanda June? HAROLD enters quietly from the kitchen, holding a can of beer.

PAUL

Anybody home?

HAROLD

As a matter of fact-PAUL

(nearly jumping out of his skin)

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

Sir?

HAROLD

As a matter of fact--I am home.

PAUL

(thinking HAROLD may be a burglar)

Hello.

HAROLD

(simply)

Hello.

PAUL

Are you-His voice fails him.

HAROLD

(hoping to be recognized) You were about to ask a question?

PAUL

Are you--do you-HAROLD

Ask it!

PAUL

(blurting)

Do you know who Wanda June is?

HAROLD

Life has denied me that thrill.

PAUL

Do you mind if I ask who you are?

HAROLD

Mind?

(aside)

God, yes, I mind.

(to PAUL)

I'm your father's friend. A man file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (46 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

claiming to be the family physician let me in a while ago.

PAUL

Dr. Woodly.

HAROLD

Dr. Woodly. I should make a little list.

PAUL

Is anybody besides you here now?

HAROLD

The doctor was called away on an emergency. I think it was birth.

PAUL

Where's Mom?

HAROLD

You don't know where your mother is? Does she put on a short skirt and go drinking all night?

PAUL

She went to the fight with Herb Shuttle, I guess.

HAROLD

You think you could find me a pencil and paper?

PAUL

I'll see.

He rummages through a drawer.

HAROLD

And you've been roaming the streets while your mother is God-knows-where?

PAUL

I was going to a funny movie, but I changed my mind. If you're file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (47 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

depressed, laughing doesn't help much.

(gives HAROLD pencil and paper)

When did you know my father?

HAROLD

Man and boy.

PAUL

Everybody says he was so brave.

HAROLD

Even this--"Herb Shuttle", you said?

PAUL

He worships Father.

HAROLD

(pleased)

Ah! And what sort of man is this worshiper?

PAUL

He's a vacuum cleaner salesman.

HAROLD

(deflated)

I see.

(recovering)

And he came into the apartment one day, to demonstrate his wares, and your mother, as it happened, was charmingly en deshabille-PAUL

She met him at college.

HAROLD

(startled)

College!

PAUL

They were in the same creative writing class.

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

HAROLD

College?

PAUL

She has a master's degree in English literature.

HAROLD

What a pity! Educating a beautiful woman is like pouring honey into a fine Swiss watch. Everything stops. (pause)

And the doctor? He worships your father, too?

PAUL

He insults him all the time.

HAROLD

(delighted)

Excellent!

PAUL

What's good about that?

HAROLD

It makes life spicy.

PAUL

He doesn't do it in front of me, but he does it with Mother. (indicating HAROLD's portrait) You know what he called Father one time?

HAROLD

No.

PAUL

"Harold, the Patron Saint of Taxidermy."

HAROLD

(measuring his opponent) file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (49 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE

What does he do--of an athletic nature?

PAUL

Nothing. He plays a violin in a doctors' quartet.

HAROLD

Aha! He has a brilliant military record, I'm sure.

PAUL

He was a stretcher-bearer in the Korean War.

(pause)

Were you in a war with Father?

HAROLD

Big ones, little ones, teeny-weeny ones--just and otherwise.

PAUL

Tell me some true stories about Dad.

HAROLD

(unused to the word)

"Dad?"

(accepting it)

Dad.

(to himself)

The boy wants tales of derring-do. Name a country.

PAUL

England?

HAROLD

(disgusted)

Oh hell.

PAUL

Dad