Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

all your words of wisdom will be put to the test, adhered to (you hope), sometimes questioned and occasionally flaunted.

If the pathways of communication have been kept open and you are tuned into your teen, you will have a good idea when he or she is considering embarking on his or her first physical relationship; they might even tell you and ask for your advice, as one of my daughters did.

My daughter was seventeen at the time and had been seeing her boyfriend regularly for six months, and they clearly thought a lot of each other. She asked me outright one evening how long I thought a couple should date before they slept with each other. It didn’t take great insight to realise she was talking about her boyfriend and herself, and I was aware he’d been asking her to stay over at his house (with his parents’ blessing) on Saturday nights.

It was a direct question that needed a direct response. I said that I thought at her age a couple should know each other for least six months, but that the decision should be based more on how deep their feelings were for each other rather than a set timescale. There followed a frank and open discussion between us, with the result – her decision – that she postponed sleeping with her boyfriend for another four months. By keeping the pathways of communication open with my daughter I was able to help her make a decision.

Clearly attitudes to sex have changed dramatically in most societies in the last thirty or so years and single parenthood and sex outside marriage are no longer considered taboo. However, even in the most liberal of societies your teen will benefit from your advice and guidelines, and these should be based on the depth of the relationship between your teen and their partner, their maturity, your family values and your religious belief.

If your son or daughter broaches the subject of sex, be receptive and open and give yourself a mental pat on the back – clearly your child feels comfortable with you and has the confidence in you to share his or her intimate feelings. If your son or daughter doesn’t bring up the subject of sex, and you feel the time is fast approaching when a chat is advisable, find a suitable opportunity and raise the subject. Don’t be tempted to lapse into fond reminiscence of your own early sexual encounters as a way into the subject: it will go down like a lead balloon, leaving you feeling foolishly exposed and your child embarrassed and sighing, ‘Too much information!’ As far as your child is concerned, you will always be his or her mother (or father), with almost saint-like qualities, which he or she won’t want tainted by any liberal and trendy disclosure about your sex life. Indeed your teen will find it almost impossible to believe that you ever had sex, let alone still do! Most of us feel that way about our parents. Keep the discussion neutral and say ‘I think’ when you advise and guide your teen about sex and relationships.

Ultimately, when your son or daughter enters a physical relationship will be their decision, even if, as you hope, he or she has listened to, and taken on board, your advice. However, you and your partner will have some decisions to make if your teen is still living with you, which most teens will be at this age:

*  Is your son or daughter allowed to have his or her partner stay at your house and share a bed?

*  Are you happy about your son or daughter borrowing your car and it being used as a substitute bed?

*  If you all go on holiday together, will your son or daughter share a room with his or her partner?

*  How will you answer the questions of any young siblings when they ask about the strange noises coming from your son or daughter’s bedroom, and indeed how will you feel about it?

The guidelines you and your partner decide upon will be personal to you, based on what you feel is appropriate, your values and what you are comfortable with in your home. But when you decide on your guidelines it should be remembered that in many societies now it is unlikely that the person your son or daughter has their first sexual relationship with will become their lifetime partner. While you may feel comfortable about having you son’s or daughter’s first love tucked up with your child, will you still feel as comfortable when that relationship has finished and the next partner appears? Or the next?

Obviously advise your son or daughter against promiscuity, and the dangers of unprotected sex, but if something does go wrong and an unplanned pregnancy results, or your son or daughter contracts an STD (sexually transmitted disease), don’t lose the plot and throw them on to the streets. Be there for them with practical advice and moral support; they will need you more than ever now. And don’t blame them. ‘You idiot! What did I tell you!’ isn’t going to help: your teen will know that he or she has acted irresponsibly.

Many of the teenage girls I have fostered have come to me already acting promiscuously as they search for the love and attention they were denied as children. Of course I try to change their behaviour, but I also have to be practical. I have to hand the contact details of our local family planning and STD clinics, and if necessary I make the appointments and accompany them. STDs in all countries are on the rise, and one recent study in the US found that 30 per cent of teenagers had contracted an STD within six months of starting to have sex. Likewise the teenager pregnancy rate is still running high – in 2005 in the UK, forty-one out of every thousand conceptions were to girls under eighteen. If your son or daughter is sexually