Happy Kids, Cathy Glass [best ebook reader for ubuntu .TXT] 📗

night, it still isn’t. And if you didn’t allow Claire to block the landline every evening, talking to her friends, then she still can’t. Likewise, it isn’t OK for your young adult to shout or swear at you when angry, have crack parties or display any of the other behaviour that was unacceptable during his or her teenage years. By now your young adult should have gained enough of a sense of safety, and consideration for others, to appreciate why certain behaviour isn’t acceptable, but when he or she forgets (which they all do), tell them.

If your young adult persists with the negative behaviour he or she exhibited as a teenager, it needs to be dealt with. The bottom line is that you are the parent, and it is your house. And while I would avoid uttering the phrase ‘While you are under my roof you will do as I say,’ it can be implicit in your rules and boundaries for acceptable behaviour. You do not have to live with someone whose behaviour is unacceptable and disrespectful, and it is surprising just how many parents with young adults do. One mother of a very challenging nineteen-year-old said, ‘1f my husband treated me like that I would divorce him, but I can’t divorce my son.’ Actually she did, by moving him to a bedsit round the corner, where he did a lot of growing up in a very short time. I’m not suggesting this as the solution to all such problems, but the experience of living independently can work wonders for some challenging young adults, as many parents whose children go away to college can testify.

New rules and expectations

As well as the basic house rules, which show consideration and respect for others, and which are already in place, there will be new areas where you will have to make new decisions now that your teen is an adult:

*  Is your son or daughter allowed to use your car? If so, on what terms?

*  Can your son or daughter have their partner sleep over?

*  If your son or daughter is earning and living at home, how much does he or she contribute to the household budget?

*  If you are still cooking family meals, the expectation is they will be eaten and not go to waste. It is reasonable for your young adult to tell you if he or she won’t be in for dinner, or if they invite a friend home.

*  Are you still doing their washing? If so, it is reasonable for the young adult to put their dirty clothes in the basket and not leave you to scrabble for them under the bed.

*  If you are funding their further education, it is reasonable that your young adult studies and does not waste your money.

If you already have a young adult, there will probably be plenty you can add to this list, and there will be variations between households, but the point is that if the guidelines and expectations are clear to all, there will be less likelihood of misunderstanding arising and confrontation and scenes resulting.

Don’t be afraid to raise an issue because you feel it might sound silly or petty. If it is worrying you, then it needs to be aired. And don’t assume your young adult will instinctively realise there is a problem as an older adult might: they won’t – they haven’t the perception that comes with the maturity gained from years and years of real-life experience.

My son is a great organiser and he went into a profession which appreciated his skills of organisation. He returned to live with me at home after college, and I began to find that he increasingly tried to organise me, to an extent I didn’t find helpful. I was in my forties at the time and felt that I had managed my own affairs quite successfully so far, and while I appreciated his input and advice, I didn’t want to be told what to do.

Eventually, one evening when he was telling me I should change my bank account to one that he felt would offer me a better deal (and probably would have done), I diplomatically explained that, while I appreciated his advice, I had decided to stay with my present bank, with whom I had been with all my working life. He continued for a few moments more until I said, more firmly, that I hoped he could appreciate that ultimately it was my decision who I banked with. There was short silence, and then he nodded thoughtfully and agreed. After that we both felt more comfortable when I made a decision that wouldn’t have been his.

Similarly, a friend’s daughter went to a university that was close enough for her to come home for mid-term visits. My friend was obviously always pleased to see her daughter, but confided in me that she felt hurt when her daughter, having said a brief ‘Hi’, logged on to the computer and spent most of the evening chatting online to her friends. Eventually, my friend tactfully pointed out to her daughter that she would like to chat and catch up with her first before she caught up with her friends, many of whom she had seen at Uni earlier that day. Her daughter apologised; she genuinely hadn’t realised the slight she had caused her mother, and after that, when she came home mother and daughter chatted and caught up over a cup of tea before her daughter chatted with her friends online.

Both of these incidents are trivia on the scale of negative behaviour, but trivia can have a nasty habit of developing into an issue if left unchecked. Just as your young adult should feel comfortable enough to express any concerns or hurt feelings he or she may have in your relationship, so should you as the parent. Respecting each other’s differences and meeting on common ground is what makes families with young adults able to live together successfully.

In trouble

Sometimes young adults,