Broken Pieces, L. S. [brene brown rising strong .txt] 📗

go back and forth just to be with me. We had everything planned, he even let me pay Nicole a visit to Florida for a weekend before we fly to France but everything went to ashes when the scandal came out. I feel like each day that passed Carter and I are growing apart. I am still trying to figure my real feelings for him and our current situation is not helping me at all. Most of the time I woke without him beside me, if he isn’t in the office, he spends almost all his time on the phone. We hadn’t had sex for days now, I can’t even remember the last time he touched me or the last time we shared a meal together. I know I shouldn’t feel jealous or ignored cause he is trying to clean up the mess that I started but I feel like I don’t know him anymore. I just want all of this to be over so we can go back to the way we were.

 

 

I decided to pay Dr. Sullivan a visit instead of spending time with my friends at the beach. I feel guilty whenever I go out to have fun while Carter is trying to pull his life together. I called her beforehand and I was lucky to get an emergency appointment. She really did help me to deal with my past so I am confident that she can help me ease the pain I am feeling.

“I am glad to see you,” she greeted me as I entered the room.

Her secretary knew me so well so she didn’t have to usher me inside. Dr. Sullivan was wearing a green cocktail knee-length dress that really compliments her fair skin. She also tied her shoulder length hair in a nice ponytail.

I’ve skipped a couple of sessions since the news about me spread out. Though, I’ve called her about the situation she still advised me to come to her clinic and pay her a visit. I was sitting on my usual spot opposite hers.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been attending my sessions.” I apologized and let out a small sigh.

She smiled at me warmly like the usual. I haven’t met any other shrink before but I like how warm her approach is. It’s a bit infectious.

“Jillian, I have been worried about you, but I understand why you decided to mellow down and I think keeping it low key for a while helped you a bit.”

I gave her a nod.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I nod again.

“The scandal did affect me a lot but I think it affects Carter more than it did to me.” I started. “And he was distant and I am being left with nothing to do or how to handle our situation.” I sighed trying to hide the pain.

Her lips turned into a thin line.

“Carter knew you for who you are, same reason why he kept you despite of the criticism and I know it’s hard for the both you to deal with the world right now but I think this is the time when he needed you the most.” She said.

“But how do I do that? Honestly, for the past few weeks I didn’t know how I should act around him.” I blurted out. “I feel guilty whenever I am happy cause I think with our current state I shouldn’t be.”

She nodded slightly.

“Jillian, we’ve talked about almost everything, your life as a kid, as a teen, as a free person and as the person with Carter. You told me different things, from how you manage to survive with your parents, how you ran away from home, how you dealt with your life in Florida, what Carter feels for you but you never talked about how you feel for him, how do you see him, what is he for you?” she asks. “Cause maybe when we get to answer those questions we can figure on how you should act when Carter is around.”

And then I was speechless, the lump in throat came just right in time when I needed it. Dr. Sullivan was right. I’ve talked to her about almost everything when it comes to my life as an individual but not with Carter. I wanted to tell her that I have been trying to figure that out on my own for months but I guess a little help will make it easier for me to distinguish what I really feel towards Carter.

“Let’s do it this way, Jillian so it wouldn’t be hard for you,” she said after a moment of silence. “What comes to your mind when you see Carter,”

I bit my lip as I felt the heat in between my core.

“Sexy, Greek-God like, perfect,” I answered.

“Alright, does he make you happy?”

I gave her a slight nod.

“In what way?”

I looked down when I remembered the nights we spent together, how his hands caressed every inch of my body. How I get so wet every time his tongue lands on my skin. I can feel the heat on my cheeks so I immediately withdraw my thoughts.

“I can clearly see how attracted you are with him,” she said. “But have you thought about being in love with him, like marrying him, and building a family with him?”

I stopped for awhile completely lost in words. It never occurred to me and even came in my mind about marrying Carter. I am here because he wanted me and I needed him. But never in my life since I moved in with him that I’ll marry him and have kids with him. I know that time will come that Carter and I will eventually part ways. Besides, I’ve never been in love my whole life so that’s something I am not really familiar with.

“I’m not sure about that.” That’s all I was able to come up with. “But I know I care for him more than I did with anyone.

Dr. Sullivan took a deep breath.

“I can see that, besides love is not something you should rush into, you’re young and there’s still a lot of things that you need to experience, just keep on exploring, do not stop yourself from trying new things, that way you can really know yourself and the people around you.” She advised.

I smiled. She is right, there’s no rushing into things. Maybe time will come that I’ll be able to learn how to be in love with Carter besides he is a nice man and I cared for him a lot.

I’ve talked with Dr. Sullivan for a little while before I head out of his clinic. Things a little clearer for me now, I love Carter but I am not in love with him . . . yet.

I stopped at the grocery to buy some baking products. On my way to Dr. Sullivan’s clinic, Martha’s aunt called me that Martha will not be able to come to work today because she is sick so I found this as the best opportunity to lighten things up for Carter. I’ll be cooking my new specialty, spaghetti with meatballs and I also would like to bake some muffins.

After I was done shopping I drove home. I feel lighter and a bit happy too so I would like to infect Carter. I was smiling as I made my way inside the house. I can hear some footsteps upstairs so I went there to check if Carter was home.

He was lying on the bed with his arms on his forehead and his eyes on the ceiling. He’s wearing a white tee and boxer shorts. I wonder what time he got here and why he didn’t call me or looked for me.

“Hey,” I greeted him.

I walked to the bed and sat beside him. He didn’t turn his head to look at me. Stress is obvious on his face.

“Where have you been?” he asked, his voice was stiff and no emotions at all.

The way he’s acting is so unusual but I chose not to pry. He is going through a tough time and I get that.

“I went to meet Dr. Sullivan and I also went to the supermarket, Martha is sick so she can’t make it tonight,” I explained.

He closed his eyes, his body is stiff like his voice, I badly want to touch him but I chose not to.

“I’m glad you’re home early, I am cooking,” I said trying to be cheerful.

“I’m not hungry,” he said.

He turned to his side his back on me. I took a deep breath keeping myself from getting pissed. As much as possible I am trying to understand his mood swings.

“When I’m done cooking, you will be,” I said softly.

He sat on the bed and looked at me with burning eyes. I was shocked.

“Can’t you understand me? I said I am not hungry so please stop all this talking because I am tired,” he blurted out.

I reached for his arm.

“Carter, please don’t be like that, I know it’s hard and i----”

“You don’t know a thing, my company is going to ashes so please do not tell me that you know anything cause clearly you don’t.”

I froze as I watched him get off the bed and walked out of the room. I felt a sudden pain in my chest and tears fell from my eyes. I can’t believe he said that, I feel completely useless and dumb and an idiot. I am aware on what is happening with his company and I really would like everything to be better but I don’t think it’s fair that he took it out on me. It wasn’t my idea to move in with him in the first place, I am not the one who has a psycho childhood friend who is in love with him dearly and I never force myself to him so it hurts me that he is blaming me for all of this.

 

I still cooked the spaghetti even though I wasn’t feeling well. Carter is nowhere to be found inside the house so I assumed he left after our conversation earlier and I want him to find something edible in our kitchen if in any case he came home and he’s hungry although it's been more than four hours since he left. I haven’t eaten myself, I’ve lost my appetite but a beer would be nice.

I went to the pool with a bottle of beer in my hand and soaked my feet on the water. I took my phone out and dialed Nicole’s number. I just hope she is available to talk to, I missed her so bad and I was disappointed when my call went to the voicemail. I really need a friend right now, the pain in my chest is killing me and driving me crazy at the same time. I thought of calling Christy but I remember she is spending the weekend with Johnny, I am glad things went well with them, the text she read on Johnny’s phone was a favor Johnny asked from his classmate to pick up special flowers that he would give to Christy. They’ve talk things over, they both said sorry and everything ended so well. They even went camping to celebrate their anniversary. I kind of envy how things are good to them and how things are bad for me and I kind of wondered what it like is to be with someone my age. Most of the time I don’t get Carter especially earlier, did he expect me to have a solution with everything? I am a child and the only help I thought was the best is for me to give my side to the press but he refused so what else can I do?

Moments later, my phone beeped notifying me I have a text message received. I checked hoping it’ll be from Carter or Nicole but it’s from an unknown number. I opened the message.

Jillian, how are you? – Nate

I smiled as I remembered him, I suddenly missed him and Keith and the friends I had in Florida. This