Truth of Dark Pasts, Serena Wood [read my book .txt] 📗

mumble, laying back down. “But you were crying… N-nevermind.” she lays at my side and I turn to face her. She copies the action and for a moment we just stare at each other in silence. That ‘what just happened?’ thought resurfaces and after a moment I realize what the answer is; letting out a gasp involuntarily. “What’s wrong?” River touches my arm and I look around at my surroundings for a minute before looking back at her. “Did we… Did we just have sex?” She looks at me thoughtfully for a minute. “I guess so… yeah.”the last word slips from her mouth and she gets this look of concern about her.

And now the regret sinks in. This isn’t how this should have happened. This is like losing your virginity to some random friend you get drunk with. This is even worse than that, I lost my virginity to someone who I was pretty sure hated me less than a day ago. I swore to myself that I’d follow all of those rules mom had given me, granted she wanted me to get married first but I was at least going to date the person for years before this happened. It wasn’t suppose to be like this at all.

“Oh god, don’t cry again. Look, it’s not as bad as it seems. Just relax.” River pulls me closer and whispers words of reassurance for a few minutes and somehow it does relax me. “It’ll be okay, we can talk about it in the morning. Right now you should probably get some rest, god knows you need it after the week you’ve had.” she rubs my shoulder blade and after a few minutes the exhaustion from everything that happened today finally gets the better of me and I doze off.

Chapter 7 - "Running From Shadows"

 

☯River☯

After everything Ellie quickly falls asleep, clinging onto me like I’m keeping her alive. I watch her drift asleep, how worn out she looks concerns me. The girl’s had a long week.

At least an hour goes by and still I’m wide awake, my thoughts racing uncontroallably. I’ve gone over it countless times, replaying what happened again and again and still I don’t understand any of it . If only I hadn’t been such an idiot, this wouldn’t have happened. What was I thinking? I wasn’t protecting her, I only made her life more difficult. I’m the cause of those cuts on her arm. The thought sends a shiver down my spine and on reflex I pull her closer. I take a deep breath. The smell of her rushes in, swimming around my brain and instantly I relax; knowing that she’s still here. Safe and sound.

Maybe things could have gone differently if I were a better person. If I hadn’t hurt her. If I hadn’t left her alone to befriend a bunch of spoiled bitches. It was such a lost cause, becoming someone she’d hate in order to protect her. I didn’t trust myself the first time she kissed me, I knew someone would end up getting hurt. But despite my efforts, she got hurt anyway and even worse she hurt herself. It shouldn’t have ended up like this, but it did.

What could I have done to make things different anyway? Maybe if I had just let things happen naturally instead of pushing her away… No, no, I’m the cause of all of this, her being closer to me would have just been worse.

But I still ended up in her bed regardless, god knows I could have gone about this better. As soon as the thought emerges, Ellie murmurs something in her sleep and tightens her hold on my torso. “Shh, it’s okay.” the little words of comfort leave my mouth involuntarily and it seems to calm her dreams almost instantly. She quickly goes back to a more steady, relaxed state of sleep.

I stay still for a while, not sure what to do. My thoughts continue to race, their screams torturing me. I just need to clear my head… I look down at Ellie again, she’s still soundly asleep. I nudge her away, or I try to before she scoots closer. After a few tries I can finally wiggle free and get out of bed. Cold air greets my skin and it stings, like an awful reminder of what I’ve done.

Quickly I pull my clothes on, rummage through her drawers for a shirt, and walk out of her room as quietly as my clumsy, shaky legs can manage. I find myself downstairs, in the bathroom. The door sticks now from where I was hitting it. I go to the bathroom and try desperately to push away the memories that flood back to me. I stare at the wall, it seems to be the only spot in the room that doesn’t remind me of what she tried to do. I make it to the sink and wash my hands rather absentmindedly. I make the mistake of glancing up at the mirror and for quite a while I just stare back at my reflection.

The image disgusts me, like looking at a horrible person. Which after a time, becomes understandable because I am a horrible person. I let someone I love get bullied to the point where she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m a spineless coward.

My feet shuffle out of the bathroom quickly when those thoughts start to pour in. I stumble back up the stairs and back into her room. I stop in the doorway though, the site of her sleeping naked in bed seems to startle my feet out of their somewhat possessed means of travel.

I shouldn’t have done this to her. After a moment of standing there, that’s the only thought that rings out . I’ve messed up enough already, but this was something I didn’t think even I was stupid enough to do. I don’t know why it happened really. Kissing her was understandable, I’d been wanting to ever since things started to go downhill. But this? I didn’t mean for this to happen.

I couldn’t help it, she just kept staring at me with that broken expression and all I wanted to do was fix things. So it started out with little kisses, like I was trying to kiss away her pain. Trying to erase what I’d done. But I should have known nothing good would come from it and it went too far. Now I’ve messed up things even more.

I should leave… She doesn’t deserve anymore of my bull shit. I step inside the room cautiously and stop when my feet bump into the clothes beside her bed. I stare at her for a moment and run the thought through my mind a few times. I could leave. It would be a lot better if I did, wouldn’t it? I’d be out of her life, I could find a way to disappear. She’d be better off that way.

I find myself climbing back into bed, moving back into the same position I was in when I left . She clings to me again and sleeps calmly, like I was never gone. I watch her sleep for a while, not really wanting to leave despite the little thoughts of disappearing. I need to leave before it’s too late. I can’t be hanging around when she wakes up in the morning, I’ll fuck things up again. I sigh out after a moment . I play with her hair for a while, one part of me trying to talk myself out of it and the other trying to make me leave. It’s the right thing to do. After that, I know which side’s won.

I lay there for a moment longer, not wanting to leave the surprising comfort I feel when I hold her. Reluctantly, I wriggle out of her grasp again. I sit on the edge of the bed and put on my socks, then reach around in the dark for my shoes; all the while trying not to look back at her. Moments later, I’m ready and I stand up. I glance back at her without meaning to and I find myself marveling at how she looks right now; stripped of her cover and sleeping peacefully. Now’s no time to stand in awe. I need to go. The thought pulls me out of my daze and I start to move.

She stirs in her sleep, as if she senses that I’m leaving. Murmuring in her sleep, she reaches out; waking up with a small gasp when she finds nothing but the bed sheets. “River?” she sits up a bit, squinting at me and my heart flutters at that sleepy, hopeful expression on her features. It’s simply heartbreaking just to look at her. “I… I’ll be back in a minute. Go back to sleep, sweetie.” I struggle to get the words out and it pains me to lie to her like that but I know I can’t stay and risk doing something else in the morning. “Mmm, okay.” she snuggles back into the blankets and closes her eyes again.

For a long while I just stand there, afraid that I’ll wake her again if I move. After I’m pretty sure she’s soundly asleep again, my feet shuffle towards her and I bend down to kiss her cheek. This faint smile appears on her lips and with it something pains my heart. Am I really doing the right thing right now? Maybe I could just stay…  No, that’s selfish of me, to hang around just because that’s what I’ve wanted to do for months now. I have to leave for her sake.

I shuffle out of her room, pad quietly down the steps, and rush out of the house. Out of her life, if I can help it. If I weren’t in her life things would have gone so much smoother and all that happened this week would have been totally nonexistent. Maybe now I can help her get to that outcome. I’m sure I can find a way to disappear.

It’s nearly five in the morning when I get through the front door of my house. Some of the lights are on and I can tell Zoey is already up and getting ready for work. I walk cautiously into the kitchen for a drink, hoping I don’t run into her.

But of course she comes into the kitchen with a mess of stuff in her hands. She sets the pile of papers, make up, her purse, and her jacket all down on the kitchen table in a big scattered mess before looking up at me quizzically. “Did you just get home?”

I only offer the slightest nod of my head before walking to the fridge. “What the hell were you doing there all this time? You’re lucky today’s Saturday.” I don’t offer a reply, instead I rummage through the fridge and pretend I didn’t hear her question.

“And god you’re a mess, you look like you just got out of a one night stand.” her statement makes my movements stiffen. I pull a Pepsi out of the fridge before turning reluctantly to face her, my eyes looking anywhere but at her. “Oh my god, River. You didn’t.” I start to panic when I glance at her and she gives me this look of