The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

But It's Got Another

Featur',  That You'll Know It By From All Others. Oh It's

An Everlastin' Pity You Warn't Here,  When I Was To England

Last Time. Queen Was There Then; And Where She Is,  Of

Coarse All The World And Its Wife Is Too. She Warn't

There This Year,  And It Sarves Folks Right. If I Was An

Angelyferous Queen,  Like Her,  I Wouldn't Go Nowhere Till

I Had A Tory Minister,  And Then A Feller That Had A

"Trigger-Eye" Would Stand A Chance To Get A White

Hemp-Neckcloth. I Don't Wonder Hume Don't Like Young

England; For When That Boy Grows Up,  He'll Teach Some

Folks That They Had Better Let Some Folks Alone,  Or Some

Folks Had Better Take Care Of Some Folks' Ampersands

That's All.

 

"The Time I Speak Of,  People Went In Their Carriages,

And Not By Railroad. Now,  Pr'aps You Don't Know,  In Fact

You Can't Know,  For You Can't Cypher,  Colonists Ain't No

Good At Figurs,  But If You Did Know,  The Way To Judge Of

A Nation Is By Its Private Carriages. From Hyde Park

Corner To Ascot Heath,  Is Twenty Odd Miles. Well,  There

Was One Whole Endurin' Stream Of Carriages All The Way,

Sometimes Havin' One Or Two Eddies,  And Where The Toll-Gates

Stood,  Havin' Still Water For Ever So Far. Well,  It Flowed

And Flowed On For Hours And Hours Without Stoppin',  Like

A River; And When You Got Up To The Race-Ground,  There

Was The Matter Of Two Or Three Tiers Of Carriages,  With

The Hosses Off,  Packed As Close As Pins In A Paper.

 

"It Costs Near Hand To Twelve Hundred Dollars A-Year To

Keep Up A Carriage Here. Now For Goodness' Sake Jist

Multiply That Everlastin' String Of Carriages By Three

Hundred Pounds Each,  And See What's Spent In That Way

Every Year,  And Then Multiply That By Ten Hundred Thousand

More That's In Other Places To England You Don't See,

And Then Tell Me If Rich People Here Ain't As Thick As

Huckleberries."

 

"Well,  When You've Done,  Go To France,  To Belgium,  And

To Prussia,  Three Sizeable Places For Europe,  And Rake

And Scrape Every Private Carriage They've Got,  And They

Ain't No Touch To What Ascot Can Show. Well,  When You've

Done Your Cypherin',  Come Right Back To London,  As Hard

As You Can Clip From The Race-Course,  And You Won't Miss

Any Of 'Em; The Town Is As Full As Ever,  To Your Eyes.

A Knowin' Old Coon,  Bred And Born To London,  Might,  But

You Couldn't.

 

"Arter That's Over,  Go And Pitch The Whole Bilin' Of 'Em

Into The Thames,  Hosses,  Carriages,  People,  And All; And

Next Day,  If It Warn't For The Black Weepers And Long

Faces Of Them That's Lost Money By It,  And The Black

Volume 2 Chapter 3 (Ascot Races) Pg 104

Crape And Happy Faces Of Them That's Got Money,  Or Titles,

Or What Not By It,  You Wouldn't Know Nothin' About It.

Carriages Wouldn't Rise Ten Cents In The Pound In The

Market. A Stranger,  Like You,  If You Warn't Told,  Wouldn't

Know Nothin' Was The Matter Above Common. There Ain't

Nothin' To England Shows Its Wealth Like This.

 

"Says Father To Me When I Came Back,  'Sam,' Sais He,

'What Struck You Most?'

 

"'Ascot Races,' Sais I.

 

"'Jist Like You,' Sais He. 'Hosses And Galls Is All You

Think Of. Wherever They Be,  There You Are,  That's A Fact.

You're A Chip Of The Old Block,  My Boy. There Ain't

Nothin' Lake 'Em; Is There?'

 

"Well,  He Was Half Right,  Was Father. It's Worth Seein'

For Hosses And Galls Too; But It's Worth Seein' For Its

Carriage Wealth Alone. Heavens And Airth,  What A Rich

Country It Must Be That Has Such A Show In That Line As

England. Don't Talk Of Stock,  For It May Fail; Or

Silver-Smiths' Shops,  For You Can't Tell What's Plated;

Or Jewels,  For They May Be Paste; Or Goods,  For They May

Be Worth Only Half Nothin'; But Talk Of The Carriages,

Them's The Witnesses That Don't Lie.

 

"And What Do They Say? 'Calcutta Keeps Me,  And China

Keeps Me,  And Bot'ney Bay Keeps Me,  And Canada Keeps Me,

And Nova Scotia Keeps Me,  And The Whales Keep Me,  And

The White Bears Keep Me,  And Every Thing On The Airth

Keeps Me,  Every Thing Under The Airth Keeps Me. In Short,

All The World Keeps Me.'"

 

"No,  Not All The World,  Sam," Said Mr. Hopewell; "There

Are Some Repudiative States That _Don't Keep Me_; And If

You Go To The Auction Rooms,  You'll See Some Beautiful

Carriages For Sale,  That Say,  'The United States' Bank

Used To Keep Me,' And Some More That Say,  'Nick Biddle

Put Me Down.'"

 

"Minister,  I Won't Stand That," Said Mr. Slick. "I Won't

Stay Here And Hear You Belittle Uncle Sam That Way For

Nothin'. He Ain't Wuss Than John Bull,  Arter All. Ain't

There No Swindle-Banks Here? Jist Tell Me That. Don't

Our Liners Fetch Over,  Every Trip,  Fellers That Cut And

Run From England,  With Their Fobs Filled With Other Men's

Money? Ain't There Lords In This Country That Know How

To "Repudiate" As Well As Ring-Tail-Roarers In Ourn. So

Come Now,  Don't Throw Stones Till You Put Your

Window-Shutters To,  Or You May Stand A Smart Chance Of

Gettin' Your Own Glass Broke,  That's A Fact.'

 

"And Then,  Squire,  Jist Look At The Carriages. I'll Bet

Volume 2 Chapter 3 (Ascot Races) Pg 105

You A Goose And Trimmin's You Can't Find Their Ditto

Nowhere. They _Are_ Carriages,  And No Mistake,  That's

A Fact. Look At The Hosses,  The Harness,  The Paint,  The

Linin's,  The Well-Dressed,  Lazy,  Idle,  Infarnal Hansum

Servants,  (These Rascals,  I Suspicion,  Are Picked Out

For Their Looks),  Look At The Whole Thing All Through

The Piece,  Take It,  By And Large,  Stock,  Lock,  And Barrel,

And It's The Dandy,  That's A Fact. Don't It Cost Money,

That's All? Sumtotalize It Then,  And See What It All

Comes To. It Would Make Your Hair Stand On Eend,  I Know.

If It Was All Put Into Figure,  It Would Reach Clean Across

The River; And If It Was All Put Into Dollars,  It Would

Make A Solid Tire Of Silver,  And Hoop The World Round

And Round,  Like A Wheel.

 

"If You Want To Give A Man An Idea Of England,  Squire,

Tell Him Of Ascot; And If You Want To Cram Him,  Get Old

Multiplication-Table Joe H-- To Cast It Up; For He'll

Make It Come To Twice As Much As It Railly Is,  And That

Will Choke Him. Yes,  Squire,  _Stick To Ascot_.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 106

A Cunning Man Is Generally A Suspicious One,  And Is As

Often Led Into Error Himself By His Own Misconceptions,

As Protected From Imposition By His Habitual Caution.

 

Mr. Slick,  Who Always Acted On A Motive,  And Never On An

Impulse,  And Who Concealed His Real Objects Behind

Ostensible Ones,  Imagined That Everybody Else Was Governed

By The Same Principle Of Action; And,  Therefore,  Frequently

Deceived Himself By Attributing Designs To Others That

Never Existed But In His Own Imagination.

 

Whether The Following Story Of The Gander Pulling Was A

Fancy Sketch Of The Attache,  Or A Narrative Of Facts,

_I_ Had No Means Of Ascertaining. Strange Interviews And

Queer Conversations He Constantly Had With Official As

Well As Private Individuals,  But As He Often Gave His

Opinions The Form Of An Anecdote,  For The Purpose Of

Interesting His Hearers,  It Was Not Always Easy To Decide

Whether His Stories Were Facts Or Fictions.

 

If,  On The Present Occasion,  It Was Of The Latter

Description,  It Is Manifest That He Entertained No Very

High Opinion Of The Constitutional Changes Effected In

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 107

The Government Of The Colonies By The Whigs,  During Their

Long And Perilous Rule. If Of The Former Kind,  It Is To

Be Lamented That He Concealed His Deliberate Convictions

Under An Allegorical Piece Of Humour. His Disposition To

"Humbug" Was So Great,  It Was Difficult To Obtain A Plain

Straightforward Reply From Him; But Had The Secretary Of

State Put The Question To Him In Direct Terms,  What He

Thought Of Lord Durham's "Responsible Government," And

The Practical Working Of It Under Lord Sydenham's And

Sir Charles Bagot's Administration,  He Would Have Obtained

A Plain And Intelligible Answer. If The Interview To

Which He Alludes Ever Did Take Place,  (Which I Am Bound

To Add,  Is Very Doubtful,  Notwithstanding The Minuteness

With Which It Is Detailed),  It Is Deeply To Be Regretted

That He Was Not Addressed In That Frank Manner Which

Could Alone Elicit His Real Sentiments; For I Know Of No

Man So Competent To Offer An Opinion On These Subjects

As Himself.

 

To Govern England Successfully,  It Is Necessary To Know

The Temper Of Englishmen. Obvious As This Appears To Be,

The Frequent Relinquishment Of Government Measures,  By

The Dominant Party,  Shows That Their Own Statesmen Are

Sometimes Deficient In This Knowledge.

 

Mr. Slick Says,  That If Sir James Graham Had Consulted

Him,  _He_ Could Have Shown Him How To Carry The Educational

Clauses Of His Favourite Bill This,  Perhaps,  Is Rather

An Instance Of Mr. Slick's Vanity,  Than A Proof Of His

Sagacity. But If This Species Of Information Is Not Easy

Of Attainment Here,  Even By Natives,  How Difficult Must

It Be To Govern A People Three Thousand Miles Off,  Who

Differ Most Materially In Thought,  Word,  And Deed,  From

Their Official Rulers.

 

Mr. Slick,  When We Had Not Met During The Day,  Generally

Visited Me At Night,  About The Time I Usually Returned

From A Dinner-Party,  And Amused Me By A Recital Of His

Adventures.

 

"Squire," Said He,  "I Have Had A Most Curious Capur

To-Day,  And One That Will Interest You,  I Guess. Jist As

I Was A Settin' Down To Breakfast This Mornin',  And Was

A Turnin' Of An Egg Inside Out Into A Wine-Glass,  To

Salt,  Pepper And Batter