The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

It For Red-Lane Alley,  I Received

A Note From A Mister Pen,  Saying The Right Honourable

Mr. Tact Would Be Glad,  If It Was Convenient,  If I Would

Call Down To His Office,  To Downin' Street,  To-Day,  At

Four O'clock. Thinks Says I To Myself,  'What's To Pay

Now? Is It The Boundary Line,  Or Creole Case,  Or Colonial

Trade,  Or The Burnin' Of The Caroline,  Or Right O' Sarch?

Or What National Subject Is On The Carpet To-Day?

Howsundever,' Sais I,  'Let The Charge Be What It Will,

Slugs,  Rifle-Bullets,  Or Powder,  Go I Must,  That's A

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 108

Fact.' So I Tips Him A Shot Right Off; Here's The Draft,

Sir; It's In Reg'lar State Lingo.

 

   "Sir,

 

   "I Have The High Honour To Acknowledge The Receipt Of

   Your Letter Of This Present First Of June Instant And

   Note Its Contents. The Conference (Subject Unknown),

   Proffered By The Right Honourable Mr. Tact,  I Accede

   To Hereby Protesting And Resarving All Rights Of

   Conformation And Reniggin' Of Our Extraordinary

   Embassador,  Now Absent From London,  At The Great

   Agricultural Meetin'. I Would Suggest,  Next Time,  It

   Would Better Convene To Business,  To Insart Subject

   Of Discussion,  To Prevent Being Taken At A Short.

 

   "I Have To Assure You Of The High Consideration Of

   Your Most Obedient Servant To Command.

 

   "The Hon. Sam Slick,

 

   "Attache".

 

"Well,  When The Time Comes,  I Rigs Up,  Puts On The Legation

Coat,  Calls A Cab,  And Downs To Downing Street,  And Looks

As Dignified As I Cleverly Knew How.

 

"When I Enters The Outer Door,  I Sees A Man In An Arm-Chair

In The Entry,  And He Looked Like A Buster,  I Tell You,

Jist Ready To Blow Up With The Steam Of All The Secrets

He Had In His Byler.

 

"'Can I See Mr. Tact?' Sais I.

 

"'Tell You Directly,' Sais He,  Jist Short Like; For

Englishmen Are Kinder Costive Of Words; They Don't Use

More Nor Will Do,  At No Time; And He Rings A Bell. This

Brings In His Second In Command; And Sais He,  'Pray Walk

In Here,  If You Please,  Sir,' And He Led Me Into A Little

Plain,  Stage-Coach-House Lookin' Room,  With Nothin' But

A Table And Two Or Three Chairs In It; And Says He,  'Who

Shall I Say,  Sir?'

 

"'The Honourable Mr. Slick,' Sais I,  'Attache Of The

American Legation To The Court Of Saint Jimses' Victoria.'

 

"Off He Sot; And There I Waited And Waited For Ever So

Long,  But He Didn't Come Back. Well,  I Walked To The

Winder And Looked Out,  But There Was Nothin' To See There;

And Then I Turned And Looked At A Great Big Map On The

Wall,  And There Was Nothin' I Didn't Know There; And Then

I Took Out My Pen-Knife To Whittle,  But My Nails Was All

Whittled Off Already,  Except One,  And That Was Made Into

A Pen,  And I Didn't Like To Spile That; And As There

Wasn't Any Thing I Could Get Hold Of,  I Jist Slivered A

Great Big Bit Off The Leg Of The Chair,  And Began To Make

A Toothpick Of It. And When I Had Got That Finished,  I

Begins To Get Tired; For Nothin' Makes Me So Peskilly

Oneasy As To Be Kept Waitin'; For If A Clockmaker Don't

Know The Valy Of Time,  Who The Plague Does?

 

"So Jist To Pass It Away,  I Began To Hum 'Jim Brown.'

Did You Ever Hear It,  Squire? It's A'most A Beautiful

Air,  As Most All Them Nigger Songs Are. I'll Make You A

Varse,  That Will Suit A Despisable Colonist Exactly.

 

  "I Went Up To London,  The Capital Of The Nation,

   To See Lord Stanley,  And Get A Sitivation.

   Says He To Me,  'Sam Slick,  What Can You Do?'

   Says I,  'Lord Stanley,  Jist As Much As You.

   Liberate The Rebels,  And 'Mancipate The Niggers.

   Hurror For Our Side,  And Damn Thimble-Riggers.

 

"Airth And Seas! If You Was To Sing That 'Ere Song There,

How It Would Make 'Em Stare; Wouldn't It? Such Words As

Them Was Never Heerd In That Patronage Office,  I Guess;

And Yet Folks Must Have Often Thort It Too; That's A

Fact.

 

"I Was A Hummin' The Rael 'Jim Brown,' And Got As Far

As:

 

   Play Upon The Banjo,  Play Upon The Fiddle,

   Walk About The Town,  And Abuse Old Biddle,

 

When I Stopped Right In The Middle Of It,  For It Kinder

Sorter Struck It Me Warn't Dignified To Be A Singin' Of

Nigger-Catches That Way. So Says I To Myself,  'This Ain't

Respectful To Our Great Nation To Keep A High Functionary

A Waitin' Arter This Fashion,  Is It? Guess I'd Better

Assart The Honour Of Our Republic By Goin' Away; And Let

Him See That It Warn't Me That Was His Lackey Last Year.'

 

"Well,  Jist As I Had Taken The Sleeve Of My Coat And

Given My Hat A Rub Over With It,  (A Good Hat Will Carry

Off An Old Suit Of Clothes Any Time,  But A New Suit Of

Clothes Will Never Carry Off An Old Hat,  So I Likes To

Keep My Hat In Good Order In A General Way). Well,  Jist

As I Had Done,  In Walks The Porter's First Leftenant;

And Sais He,  'Mr. Tact Will See You,  Sir.'

 

"'He Come Plaguy Near Not Seein' Of Me,  Then,' Sais I;

'For I Had Jist Commenced Makin' Tracks As You Come In.

The Next Time He Sends For Me,  Tell Him Not To Send Till

He Is Ready,  Will You? For It's A Rule O' Mine To Tag

Arter No Man.'

 

"The Critter Jist Stopped Short,  And Began To See Whether

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 109

That Spelt Treason Or No. He Never Heerd Freedom O' Speech

Afore,  That Feller,  I Guess,  Unless It Was Somebody A

Jawin' Of Him,  Up Hill And Down Dale; So Sais I,  'Lead

Off,  My Old 'Coon,  And I Will Foller You,  And No Mistake,

If You Blaze The Line Well.'

 

"So He Led Me Up Stairs,  Opened A Door,  And 'Nounced Me;

And There Was Mr. Tact,  Sittin' At A Large Table,  All

Alone.

 

"'How Do You Do,  Mr. Slick,' Says He. 'I Am Very Glad To

See You. Pray Be Seated.' He Really Was A Very Gentlemanlike

Man,  Was Squire Tact,  That's A Fact. Sorry I Kept You

Waitin' So Long,' Sais He,  'But The Turkish Ambassador

Was Here At The Time,  And I Was Compelled To Wait Until

He Went. I Sent For You,  Sir,  A-Hem!' And He Rubbed His

Hand Acrost His Mouth,  And Looked' Up At The Cornish,

And Said,  'I Sent For You,  Sir,  Ahem!'--(Thinks I,  I See

Now. All You Will Say For Half An Hour Is Only Throw'd

Up For A Brush Fence,  To Lay Down Behind To Take Aim

Through; And Arter That,  The First Shot Is The One That's

Aimed At The Bird),  'To Explain To You About This African

Slave Treaty,' Said He. 'Your Government Don't Seem To

Comprehend Me In Reference To This Right Of Sarch.

Lookin' A Man In The Face,  To See He Is The Right Man,

And Sarchin' His Pockets,  Are Two Very Different Things.

You Take,  Don't You?'

 

"'I'm Up To Snuff,  Sir,' Sais I,  'And No Mistake.' I

Know'd Well Enough That Warn't What He Sent For Me For,

By The Way He Humm'd And Hawed When He Began.

 

"'Taking Up A Trunk,  As Every Hotel-Keeper Does And Has

A Right To Do,  And Examinin' The Name On The Brass Plate

To The Eend On't,  Is One Thing; Forcin' The Lock And

Ransackin' The Contents,  Is Another. One Is Precaution,

The Other Is Burglary.'

 

"'It Tante Burglary,' Sais I,  'Unless The Lodger Sleeps

In His Trunk. It's Only--'

 

"'Well,' Says He,  A Colourin' Up,  'That's Technical. I

Leave These Matters To My Law Officers.'

 

"I Larnt That Little Matter Of Law From Brother Eldad,

The Lawyer,  But I Guess I Was Wrong There. I Don't Think

I Had Ought To Have Given Him That Sly Poke; But I Didn't

Like His Talkin' That Way To Me. Whenever A Feller Tries

To Pull The Wool Over Your Eyes,  It's A Sign He Don't

Think High Of Your Onderstandin'. It Isn't Complimental,

That's A Fact. 'One Is A Serious Offence,  I Mean,  Sais

He; 'The Other Is Not. We Don't Want To Sarch; We Only

Want To Look A Slaver In The Face,  And See Whether He Is

A Free And Enlightened American Or Not. If He Is,  The

_Flag Of Liberty_ Protects Him And _His Slaves_; If He

Ain't,  It Don't Protect Him,  Nor Them Nother.'

 

"Then He Did A Leadin' Article On Slavery,  And A Paragraph

On Non-Intervention,  And Spoke A Little Soft Sawder About

America,  And Wound Up By Askin' Me If He Had Made Himself

Onderstood.

 

"'Plain As A Boot-Jack,' Sais I.

 

"When That Was Over,  He Took Breath. He Sot Back On His

Chair,  Put One Leg Over The Other,  And Took A Fresh

Departur' Agin.

 

"'I Have Read Your Books,  Mr. Slick,' Said He,  'And Read

'Em,  Too,  With Great Pleasure. You Have Been A Great

Traveller In Your Day. You've Been Round The World A'most,

Haven't You?'

 

"'Well,' Sais I,  'I Sharn't Say I Hante.'

 

"'What A Deal Of Information A Man Of Your Observation

Must Have Acquired.' (He Is A Gentlemanly Man,  That You

May Depend. I Don't Know When I've See'd One So Well

Mannered.)

 

"'Not So Much,  Sir,  As You Would Suppose,' Sais I.

 

"'Why How So?' Sais He.

 

"'Why,' Sais I,  'The First Time A Man Goes Round The

World,  He Is Plaguy Skeered For Fear Of Fallin' Off The

Edge; The Second Time He Gets Used To It,  And Larns A

Good Deal.'

 

"'Fallin' Off The Edge!' Sais He; 'What An Original Idea

That Is. That's One Of Your Best. I Like Your Works For

That They Are Original. We Have Nothin' But Imitations

Now. Fallin' Off The The Edge,  That's Capital. I Must

Tell Peel That; For He Is Very Fond Of That Sort Of

Thing.'

 

"He Was A Very Pretty Spoken Man,  Was Mr. Tact; He Is

Quite The Gentleman,  That's A Fact. I Love To Hear Him

Talk; He Is So Very Perlite,  And Seems To Take A Likin'

To Me Parsonally."

 

Few Men Are So Open To Flattery As Mr. Slick; And Although

"Soft Sawder" Is One Of The Artifices He Constantly Uses

In His Intercourse With Others,  He Is Often Thrown Off

Of His Guard By It Himself. How Much Easier It Is To

Discover The Weaknesses Of Others Than To See Our Own!

 

But To Resume The Story.

Volume 2 Chapter 4 (The Gander Pulling) Pg 110