The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

He Is No Sort O' Good After,

For Nothin' But To Pick Oakum. I Could Go Through The

Form,  And Give You The Cries To The Life,  But I Won't;

It Is Too Horrid; It Really Is Too Dreadful."

 

"Oh Do,  I Beg Of You," Said The Traveller.

 

"I Cannot,  Indeed; It Is Too Shocking. It Will Disgust

You."

 

"Oh,  Not At All," Said Turkey,  "When I Know It Is Simulated,

And Not Real,  It Is Another Thing."

 

"I Cannot,  Indeed," Said Mr. Slick. "It Would Shock Your

Philanthropic Soul,  And Set Your Very Teeth Of Humanity

On Edge. But Have You Ever Seen--The Black Stole?"

 

"No."

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 118

 

"Never Seen The Black Stole?"

 

"No,  Never."

 

"Why,  It Ain't Possible? Did You Never Hear Of It Nother?"

 

"No,  Never. Well Now,  Do Tell!"

 

"So You Never Heerd Tell Of It,  Nor Never Sot Eyes On

It?"

 

"Certainly Never."

 

"Well,  That Bangs The Bush,  Now! I Suppose You Didn't.

Guess You Never Did,  And Never Will,  Nor No Other Traveller,

Nother,  That Ever Slept In Shoe-Leather. They Keep Dark

About These Atrocities. Well,  The Black Stole Is A Loose

Kind Of Shirt-Coat,  Like An English Carter's Frock; Only,

It Is Of A Different Colour. It Is Black Instead Of White,

And Made Of Nigger Hide,  Beautifully Tanned,  And Dressed

As Soft As A Glove. It Ain't Every Nigger's Hide That's

Fit For A Stole. If They Are Too Young,  It Is Too Much

Like Kid; If They Are Too Old,  It's Like Sole Leather,

It's So Tough; And If They Have Been Whipt,  As All On

'Em Have A'most,  Why The Back Is All Cut To Pieces,  And

The Hide Ruined. It Takes Several Sound Nigger Skins To

Make A Stole; But When Made,  It's A Beautiful Article,

That's A Fact.

 

"It Is Used On A Plantation For Punishment. When The Whip

Don't Do Its Work,  Strip A Slave,  And Jist Clap On To

Him The Black Stole. Dress Him Up In A Dead Man's Skin,

And It Frightens Him Near About To Death. You'll Hear

Him Screetch For A Mile A'most,  So 'Tarnally Skeered.

And The Best Of The Fun Is,  That All The Rest Of The

Herd,  Bulls,  Cows,  And Calves,  Run Away From Him,  Jist

As If He Was A Panther."

 

"Fun,  Sir! Do You Call This Fun?"

 

"Why Sartainly I Do. Ain't It Better Nor Whippin' To

Death? "What's A Stole Arter All? It's Nothin' But A

Coat. Philosophizin' On It,  Stranger,  There Is Nothin'

To Shock A Man. The Dead Don't Feel. Skinnin',  Then,

Ain't Cruel,  Nor Is It Immoral. To Bury A Good Hide,  Is,

Waste--Waste Is Wicked. There Are More Good Hides Buried

In The States,  Black And White,  Every Year,  Than Would

Pay The Poor-Rates And State-Taxes. They Make Excellent

Huntin'-Coats,  And Would Make Beautiful Razor-Straps,

Bindin' For Books,  And Such Like Things; It Would Make

A Noble Export. Tannin' In Hemlock Bark Cures The Horrid

Nigger Flavour. But Then,  We Hante Arrived At That State

Of Philosophy; And When It Is Confined To One Class Of

Volume 2 Chapter 5 (The Black Stole) Pg 119

The Human Family,  It Would Be Dangerous. The Skin Of A

Crippled Slave Might Be Worth More Than The Critter Was

Himself; And I Make No Doubt,  We Should Soon Hear Of A

Stray Nigger Being Shot For His Hide,  As You Do Of A

Moose For His Skin,  And A Bear For His Fur.

 

"Indeed,  That Is The Reason (Though I Shouldn't Mention

It As An Attache),  That Our Government Won't Now Concur

To Suppress The Slave Trade. They Say The Prisoners Will

All Be Murdered,  And Their Peels Sold; And That Vessels,

Instead Of Taking,  In At Africa A Cargo Of Humans,  Will

Take In A Cargo Of Hides,  As They Do To South America.

As A Christian,  A Philanthropist,  Indeed,  As A Man,  This

Is A Horrid Subject To Contemplate,  Ain't It?"

 

"Indeed It Is," Said Turkey. "I Feel A Little Overcome--My

Head Swims--I Am Oppressed With Nausea--I Must Go Below."

 

"How The Goney Swallered It All,  Didn't He?" Said Mr.

Slick,  With Great Glee. "Hante He A Most A Beautiful

Twist That Feller? How He Gobbled It Down,  Tank,  Shank

And Flank At A Gulp,  Didn't He. Oh! He Is A Turkey And

No Mistake,  That Chap. But See Here,  Squire; Jist Look

Through The Skylight. See The Goney,  How His Pencil Is

A Leggin' It Off,  For Dear Life. Oh,  There Is Great Fun

In Crammin' Those Fellers.

 

"Now Tell Me Candid,  Squire; Do You Think There Is No

Prejudice In The Britishers Agin Us And Our Free And

Enlightened Country,  When They Can Swaller Such Stuff As

The Gougin' School And _Black Stole_?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 120

"There Is More In That Story,  Squire," Said Mr. Hopewell,

"Of The Patron,  And Sam's Queer Illustration Of The Cow's

Tail,  Than You Are Aware Of. The Machinery Of The Colonies

Is Good Enough In Itself,  But It Wants A Safety Valve.

When The Pressure Within Is Too Great,  There Should Be

Something Devised To Let Off The Steam. This Is A Subject

Well Worthy Of Your Consideration; And If You Have An

Opportunity Of Conversing With Any Of The Ministry,  Pray

Draw Their Attention To It. By Not Understanding This,

The English Have Caused One Revolution At Home,  And

Another In America."

Volume 2 Chapter 6 (The Prince De Joinville's Horse) Pg 121

"Exactly," Said Mr. Slick. "It Reminds Me Of What I Once

Saw Done By The Prince De Joinville's Horse,  On The

Halifax Road."

 

"Pardon Me," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "You Shall Have An

Opportunity Presently Of Telling Your Story Of The Prince's

Horse,  But Suffer Me To Proceed.

 

"England,  Besides Other Outlets,  Has A Never-Failing One

In The Colonies,  But The Colonies Have No Outlet. Cromwell

And Hampden Were Actually Embarked On Board Of A Vessel

In The Thames,  For Boston,  When They Were Prevented From

Sailing By An Order In Council. What Was The Consequence?

The Sovereign Was Dethroned. Instead Of Leading A Small

Sect Of Fanatical Puritans,  And Being The First Men Of

A Village In Massachussets,  They Aspired To Be The First

Men In An Empire,  And Succeeded. So In The Old Colonies.

Had Washington Been Sent Abroad In Command Of A Regiment,

Adams To Govern A Colony,  Franklin To Make Experiments

In An Observatory Like That At Greenwich,  And A More

Extended Field Been Opened To Colonial Talent,  The United

States Would Still Have Continued To Be Dependencies Of

Great Britain.

 

"There Is No Room For Men Of Talent In British America;

And By Not Affording Them An Opportunity Of Distinguishing

Themselves,  Or Rewarding Them When They Do,  They Are

Always Ready To Make One,  By Opposition. In Comparing

Their Situation With That Of The Inhabitants Of The

British Isles,  They Feel That They Labour Under

Disabilities; These Disabilities They Feel As A Degradation;

And As Those Who Impose That Degradation Live Three

Thousand Miles Off,  It Becomes A Question Whether It Is

Better To Suffer Or Resist."

 

"The Prince De Joinville's Horse," Said Mr. Slick,  "Is

A Case In Pint."

 

"One Moment,  Sam," Said Mr. Hopewell.

 

"The Very Word 'Dependencies' Shows The State Of The

Colonies. If They Are To Be Retained,  They Should He

Incorporated With Great Britain. The People Should Be

Made To Feel,  Not That They Are Colonists,  But Englishmen.

They May Tinker At Constitutions As Much As They Please;

The Root Of The Evil Lies Deeper Than Statesmen Are Aware

Of. O'connell,  When He Agitates For A Repeal Of The

Union,  If He Really Has No Ulterior Objects Beyond That

Of An Irish Parliament,  Does Not Know What He Is Talking

About. If His Request Were Granted,  Ireland Would Become

A Province,  And Descend From Being An Integral Part Of

The Empire,  Into A Dependency. Had He Ever Lived In A

Colony,  He Would Have Known The Tendencies Of Such A

Condition.

 

"What I Desire To See,  Is The Very Reverse. Now That

Steam Has United The Two Continents Of Europe And America,

In Such A Manner That You Can Travel From Nova Scotia To

England,  In As Short A Time As It Once Required To Go

From Dublin To London,  I Should Hope For A United

Legislature. Recollect That The Distance From New Orleans

To The Head Of The River Is Greater Than From Halifax N.

S.,  To Liverpool. I Do Not Want To See Colonists And

Englishmen Arrayed Against Each Other,  As Different Races,

But United As One People,  Having The Same Rights And

Privileges,  Each Bearing A Share Of The Public Burdens,

And All Having A Voice In The General Government.

 

"The Love Of Distinction Is Natural To Man. Three Millions

Of People Cannot Be Shut Up In A Colony. They Will Either

Turn On Each Other,  Or Unite Against Their Keepers. The

Road That Leads To Retirement In The Provinces,  Should

Be Open To Those Whom The Hope Of Distinction Invites To

Return And Contend For The Honours Of The Empire. At

Present,  The Egress Is Practically Closed."

 

"If You Was To Talk For Ever,  Minister," Said Mr. Slick,

"You Couldn't Say More Than The Prince De Joinville's

Hoss On That Subject."

 

The Interruption Was Very Annoying; For No Man I Ever

Met,  So Thoroughly Understands The Subject Of Colonial

Government As Mr. Hopewell. His Experience Is Greater

Than That Of Any Man Now Living,  And His Views More

Enlarged And More Philosophical.

 

"Go On,  Sam," Said He With Great Good Humour. "Let Us

Hear What The Prince's Horse Said."

 

"Well," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Don't Jist Exactly Mean To

Say He Spoke,  As Balaam's Donkey Did,  In Good English Or

French Nother; But He Did That That Spoke A Whole Book,

With A Handsum Wood-Cut To The Fore,  And That's A Fact.

 

"About Two Years Ago,  One Mortal Brilin' Hot Day,  As I

Was A Pokin' Along The Road From Halifax To Windsor,  With

Old