The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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It Would Have Bust Like A Byler; And, As It Was, The
Great Endurin' Long Breath She Drew, Arter Such An Alfired
Escape, Almost Killed Her At The Ebb, It Hurt Her So."
"But," Said Mr. Hopewell, "How Did The Ten Commandments
Save Her? Do You Mean That Figuratively, Or Literally.
Was It Her Reliance On Providence, Arising From A Conscious
Observance Of The Decalogue All Her Life, Or Was It A
Book Containing Them, That Caught Against Some Thing,
And Stopt Her Descent. It Is Very Interesting. Many A
Person, Sam, Has Been Saved When At The Brink Of
Destruction, By Laying Fast Hold On The Bible. Who Can
Doubt, That The Commandments Had A Divine Origin? Short,
Simple And Yet Comprehensive; The First Four Point To
Our Duty To Our Maker, The Last Six, Towards Our Social
Duties. In This Respect There Is A Great Similarity Of
Structure, To That Excellent Prayer Given Us--"
"Oh, Minister," Said Mr. Slick, "I Beg Your Pardon, I
Do, Indeed, I Don't Mean That At All; And I Do Declare
And Vow Now, I Wasn't A Playin' Possum With You, Nother.
I Won't Do It No More, I Won't, Indeed."
"Well, What Did You Mean Then?"
"Why I Meant Her Ten Fingers, To Be Sure. When A Woman
Clapper Claws Her Husband, We Have A Cant Tarm With Us
Boys Of Slickville, Savin' She Gave Him Her Ten
Commandments."
"And A Very Improper Expression Too, Sir," Said Mr.
Hopewell; "A Very Irreverent, Indecent, And I May Say
Profane Expression; I Am Quite Shocked. But As You Say
You Didn't Mean It, Are Sorry For It, And Will Not Repeat
It Again, I Accept Your Apology, And Rely On Your Promise.
Go On, Sir."
"Well, As I Was A Savin', The Moment She Found Herself
A Coasting Of It That Way, Flounder Fashion, She Hung On
By Her Ten Com--I Mean Her Ten Fingers, And Her Ten Toes,
Like Grim Death To A Dead Nigger, And It Brought Her Up
Jist In Time. But How To Get Back Was The Question? To
Let Go The Hold Of Any One Hand Was Sartain Death, And
There Was Nobody To Help Her, And Yet To Hold On Long
That Way, She Couldn't, No How She Could Fix It.
"So What Does She Do, (For Nothin' Equals A Woman For
Contrivances), But Move One Finger At A Time, And Then
One Toe At A Time, Till She Gets A New Hold, And Then
Crawls Backward, Like A Span-Worm, An Inch At A Hitch.
Well, She Works Her Passage This Way, Wrong Eend Foremost,
By Backin' Of Her Paddles For The Matter Of Half An Hour
Or So, Till She Gets To Where It Was Roughish, And
Somethin' Like Standin' Ground, When Who Should Come By
But A Tall Handsome Man, With A Sort Of A Half Coat, Half
Cloak-Like Coverin' On, Fastened Round The Waist With A
Belt, And Havin' A Hood Up, To Ambush The Head.
"The Moment She Clapt Eyes On Him, She Called To Him For
Help. 'Oh,' Sais She, 'For Heaven's Sake, Good Man, Help
Me Up! Jist Take Hold Of My Leg And Draw Me Back, Will
You, That's A Good Soul?' And Then She Held Up Fust One
Leg For Him, And Then The Other, Most Beseechin', But
Nothin' Would Move Him. He Jist Stopt, Looked Back For
A Moment And Then Progressed Agin.
Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 176"Well, It Ryled Her Considerable. Her Eyes Actilly Snapped
With Fire, Like A Hemlock Log At Christmas: (For Nothin'
Makes A Woman So Mad As A Parsonal Slight, And Them Little
Ankles Of Hern Were Enough To Move The Heart Of A Stone,
And Make It Jump Out O' The Ground, That's A Fact, They
Were Such Fine-Spun Glass Ones), It Made Her So Mad, It
Gave Her Fresh Strength; And Makin' Two Or Three Onnateral
Efforts, She Got Clear Back To The Path, And Sprung Right
Up On Eend, As Wicked As A She-Bear With A Sore Head.
But When She Got Upright Agin, She Then See'd What A
Beautiful Frizzle Of A Fix She Was In. She Couldn't Hope
To Climb Far; And, Indeed, She Didn't Ambition To; She'd
Had Enough Of That, For One Spell. But Climbin' Up Was
Nothin', Compared To Goin' Down Hill Without Her Staff;
So What To Do, She Didn't Know.
"At Last, A Thought Struck Her. She Intarmined To Make
That Man Help Her, In Spite Of Him. So She Sprung Forward
For A Space, Like A Painter, For Life Or Death, And Caught
Right Hold Of His Cloak. 'Help--Help Me!' Said She, 'Or
I Shall Go For It, That's Sartain. Here's My Puss, My
Rings, My Watch, And All I Have Got; But Oh, Help Me!
For The Love Of God, Help Me, Or My Flint Is Fixed For
Good And All.'
"With That, The Man Turned Round, And Took One Glance At
Her, As If He Kinder Relented, And Then, All At Once,
Wheeled Back Again, As Amazed As If He Was Jist Born,
Gave An Awful Yell, And Started Off As Fast As He Could
Clip, Though That Warn't Very Tall Runnin' Nother,
Considerin' The Ground. But She Warn't To Be Shook Off
That Way. She Held Fast To His Cloak, Like A Burr To A
Sheep's Tail, And Raced Arter Him, Screamin' And Screechin'
Like Mad; And The More She Cried, The Louder He Yelled,
Till The Mountains All Echoed It And Re-Echoed It, So
That You Would Have Thought A Thousand Devils Had Broke
Loose, A'most.
"Such A Gettin' Up Stairs You Never Did See.
"Well, They Kept Up This Tantrum For The Space Of Two Or
Three Hundred Yards, When They Came To A Small, Low,
Dismal-Lookin' House, When The Man Gave The Door A Kick,
That Sent The Latch A Flyin' Off To The T'other Eend Of
The Room, And Fell Right In On The Floor, On His Face,
As Flat As A Flounder, A Groanin' And A Moanin' Like Any
Thing, And Lookin' As Mean As A Critter That Was Sent
For, And Couldn't Come, And As Obstinate As A Pine Stump.
"'What Ails You?' Sais She, 'To Act Like Old Scratch That
Way? You Ought To Be Ashamed Of Yourself, To Behave So
To A Woman. What On Airth Is There About Me To Frighten
You So, You Great Onmannerly, Onmarciful, Coward, You.
Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 177Come, Scratch Up, This Minute.'
"Well, The More She Talked, The More He Groaned; But The
Devil A Word, Good Or Bad, Could She Get Out Of Him At
All. With That, She Stoops Down, And Catches Up His
Staff, And Says She, 'I Have As Great A Mind To Give You
A Jab With This Here Toothpick, Where Your Mother Used
To Spank You, As Ever I Had In All My Life. But If You
Want It, My Old 'Coon, You Must Come And Get It; For If
You Won't Help Me, I Shall Help Myself.'
"Jist At That Moment, Her Eyes Being Better Accustomed
To The Dim Light Of The Place, She See'd A Man, A Sittin'
At The Fur Eend Of The Room, With His Back To The Wall,
Larfin' Ready To Kill Himself. He Grinned So, He Showed
His Corn-Crackers From Ear To Ear. She Said, He Stript
His Teeth Like A Catamount, He Look'd So All Mouth.
"Well, That Encouraged Her, For There Ain't Much Harm In
A Larfin' Man; It's Only Them That Never Larf That's
Fearfulsome. So Sais She 'My Good Man, Will You He So
Kind As To Lend Me Your Arm Down This Awful Peak, And I
Will Reward You Handsomely, You May Depend.'
"Well, He Made No Answer, Nother; And Thinkin' He Didn't
Onderstand English, She Tried Him In Italian, And Then
In Broken French, And Then Bungled Out A Little German;
But No, Still No Answer. He Took No More Notice Of Her
And Her Mister, And Senior, And Mountsheer, And Mynheer,
Than If He Never Heerd Them Titles, But Jist Larfed On.
"She Stopped A Minit, And Looked At Him Full In The Face,
To See What He Meant By All This Ongenteel Behaviour,
When All Of A Sudden, Jist As She Moved One Step Nearer
To Him, She Saw He Was A Dead Man, And Had Been So Long
There, Part Of The Flesh Had Dropt Off Or Dried Off His
Face; And It Was That That Made Him Grin That Way, Like
A Fox-Trap. It Was The Bone-House They Was In. The Place
Where Poor, Benighted, Snow-Squalled Stragglers, That
Perish On The Mountains, Are Located, For Their Friends
To Come And Get Them, If They Want 'Em; And If There
Ain't Any Body That Knows 'Em Or Cares For 'Em, Why They
Are Left There For Ever, To Dry Into Nothin' But Parchment
And Atomy, As It's No Joke Diggin' A Grave In That Frozen
Region.
"As Soon As She See'd This, She Never Said Another Blessed
Word, But Jist Walked Off With The Livin' Man's Pike,
And Began To Poke Her Way Down The Mountain As Careful
As She Cleverly Could, Dreadful Tired, And Awful Frighted.
"Well, She Hadn't Gone Far, Afore She Heard Her Name
Echoed All Round Her--Happy! Happy! Happy! It Seemed From
The Echoes Agin, As If There Was A Hundred People A
Volume 2 Chapter 13 (Looking Back) Pg 178Yelling It Put All At Once.
"Oh, Very Happy,' Said She, 'Very Happy, Indeed; Guess
You'd Find It So If You Was Here. I Know I Should Feel
Very Happy If I Was Out Of It, That's All; For I Believe,
On My Soul, This Is Harnted Ground, And The People In It
Are Possessed. Oh, If I Was Only To Home, To Dear Umbagog
Agin, No Soul Should Ever Ketch Me In This Outlandish
Place Any More, _I_ Know.'
"Well, The Sound Increased And Increased So, Like Young
Thunder She Was E'en A'most Skeared To Death, And In A
Twitteration All Over; And Her Knees Began To Shake So,
She Expected To Go For It Every Minute; When A Sudden
Turn Of The Path Show'd Her Her Husband And The Poor
Squatter A Sarchin' For Her.
"She Was So Overcome With Fright And Joy, She Could Hardly
Speak--And It Warn't A Trifle That Would Toggle Her
Tongue, That's A Fact. It Was Some Time After She Arrived
At The House Afore She Could Up And Tell The Story
Onderstandable; And When She Did, She Had To Tell It
Twice Over, First In Short Hand, And Then In Long Metre,
Afore She Could Make
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