The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Left Of 'Em Now But The Hide, Hair, And Shoes.
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 156"So Prince Albert Is There In That Room; I Must Get In
There And See Him, For I Have Never Sot Eyes On Him Since
I've Been Here, So Here Goes. Onder, Below There, Look
Out For Your Corns, Hawl Your Feet In, Like Turtles, For
I Am A Comin'. Take Care O' Your Ribs, My Old 'Coons,
For My Elbows Are Crooked. Who Wants To Grow? I'll Squeeze
You Out As A Rollin'-Pin Does Dough, And Make You Ten
Inches Taller. I'll Make Good Figures Of You, My Fat Boys
And Galls, I Know. Look Out For Scaldin's There. Here
I Am: It's Me, Sam Slick, Make Way, Or I'll Walk Right
Over You, And Cronch You Like Lobsters. 'Cheap Talkin',
Or Rather Thinkin', Sais I; For In Course I Couldn't Bawl
That Out In Company Here; They Don't Understand Fun, And
Would Think It Rude, And Ongenteel. I Have To Be Shockin'
Cautious What I Say Here, For Fear I Might Lower Our
Great Nation In The Eyes Of Foreigners. I Have To Look
Big And Talk Big The Whole Blessed Time, And I Am Tired
Of It. It Ain't Nateral To Me; And, Besides Braggin' And
Repudiatin' At The Same Time, Is Most As Bad As Cantin'
And Swearin'. It Kinder Chokes Me. I Thought It All
Though, And Said It All To Myself. 'And,' Sais I, 'Take
Your Time, Sam; You Can't Do It, No How, You Can Fix-It.
You Must Wait Your Time, Like Other Folks. Your Legs Is
Tied, And Your Arms Is Tied Down By The Crowd, And You
Can't Move An Inch Beyond Your Nose. The Only Way Is,
Watch Your Chance, Wait Till You Can Get Your Hands Up,
Then Turn The Fust Two Persons That's Next To You Right
Round, And Slip Between Them Like A Turn Stile In The
Park, And Work Your Passage That Way. Which Is The Prince?
That's Him With The Hair Carefully Divided, Him With The
Moustaches. I've Seed Him; A Plaguy Handsum Man He Is,
Too. Let Me Out Now. I'm Stifled, I'm Choked. My Jaws
Stick Together, I Can't Open 'Em No More; And My Wind
Won't Hold Out Another Minute.
"I Have It Now, I've Got An Idea. See If I Don't Put The
Leake Into 'Em. Won't I _Do_ Them, That's All? Clear The
Way There, The Prince Is A Comin', _And_ So Is The Duke.
And A Way Is Opened: Waves O' The Sea Roll Hack At These
Words, And I Walks Right Out, As Large As Life, And The
Fust Egyptian That Follers Is Drowned, For The Water Has
Closed Over Him. Sarves Him Right, Too, What Business
Had He To Grasp My Life-Preserver Without Leave. I Have
Enough To Do To Get Along By My Own Wit, Without Carry
In' Double.
"'Where Is The Prince? Didn't They Say He Was A Comin'?
Who Was That Went Out? He Don't Look Like The Prince; He
Ain't Half So Handsum, That Feller, He Looks, Like A
Yankee.' 'Why, That Was Sam Slick.' 'Capital, That! What
A Droll Feller He Is; He Is Always So Ready! He Desarves
Credit For That Trick.' Guess I Do; But Let Old Connecticut
Alone; Us Slickville Boys Always Find A Way To Dodge In
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 157Or Out Embargo Or No Embargo, Blockade Or No Blockade,
We Larnt That Last War.
"Here I Am In The Street Agin; The Air Feels Handsum. I
Have Another Invitation To-Night, Shall I Go? Guess I
Will. All The World Is At These Two Last Places, I Reckin
There Will Be Breathin' Room At The Next; And I Want An
Ice Cream To Cool My Coppers, Shockin' Bad.--Creation!
It Is Wus Than Ever; This Party Beats T'other Ones All
Holler. They Ain't No Touch To It. I'll Jist Go And Make
A Scrape To Old Uncle And Aunty, And Then Cut Stick; For
I Hante Strength To Swiggle My Way Through Another Mob.
"'You Had Better Get In Fust, Though, Hadn't You, Sam?
For Here You Are Agin Wracked, By Gosh, Drove Right Slap
Ashore Atween Them Two Fat Women, And Fairly Wedged In
And Bilged. You Can't Get Through, And Can't Get Out, If
You Was To Die For It.' 'Can't I Though? I'll Try; For
I Never Give In, Till I Can't Help It. So Here's At It.
Heave Off, Put All Steam On, And Back Out, Starn Fust,
And Then Swing Round Into The Stream. That's The Ticket,
Sam.' It's Done; But My Elbow Has Took That Lady That's
Two Steps Furder Down On The Stairs, Jist In The Eye,
And Knocked In Her Dead Light. How She Cries! How I
Apologize, Don't I? And The More I Beg Pardon, The Wus
She Carries On. But It's No Go; If I Stay, I Must Fust
Fight Somebody, And Then Marry _Her_; For I've Spiled
Her Beauty, And That's The Rule Here, They Tell Me.'
"So I Sets Studen Sail Booms, And Cracks On All Sail,
And Steers For Home, And Here I Am Once More; At Least
What's Left Of Me, And That Ain't Much More Nor My Shader.
Oh Dear! I'm Tired, Shockin' Tired, Almost Dead, And
Awful Thirsty; For Heaven's Sake, Give Me Some Lignum
Vitae, For I Am So Dry, I'll Blow Away In Dust.
"This Is A Swoi-Ree, Squire, This Is London Society; This
Is Rational Enjoyment, This Is A Meeting Of Friends, Who
Are So Infarnal Friendly They Are Jammed Together So They
Can't Leave Each Other. Inseparable Friends; You Must
Choke 'Em Off, Or You Can't Part 'Em. Well, I Ain't Jist
So Thick And Intimate With None O' Them In This Country
As All That Comes To Nother. I Won't Lay Down My Life
For None On 'Em; I Don't See No Occasion For It, _Do
You_?
"I'll Dine With You, John Bull, If You Axe Me; And I
Ain't Nothin' Above Particular To Do, And The Cab Hire
Don't Cost More Nor The Price Of A Dinner; But Hang Me
If Ever I Go To A Swoi-Ree Agin. I've Had Enough Of
That, To Last Me _My_ Life, I Know. A Dinner I Hante No
Objection To, Though That Ain't Quite So Bright As A
Pewter Button Nother, When You Don't Know You're Right
And Left, Hand Man. And An Evenin' Party, I Wouldn't Take
My Oath I Wouldn't Go To, Though I Don't Know Hardly What
To Talk About, Except America; And I've Bragged So Much
About That, I'm Tired Of The Subject. But A _Swoi-Ree Is
The Devil, That's A Fact_."
Volume 2 Chapter 12 (Tattersall's Or, The Elder And The Grave Digger) Pg 158
"Squire," Said Mr. Slick, "It Ain't Rainin' To-Day;
Suppose You Come Along With Me To Tattersall's. I Have
Been Studyin' That Place A Considerable Sum To See Whether
It Is A Safe Shop To Trade In Or No. But I'm Dubersome;
I Don't Like The Cut Of The Sportin' Folks Here. If I
Can See Both Eends Of The Rope, And Only One Man Has Hold
Of One Eend, And Me Of The Tother, Why I Know What I Am
About; But If I Can Only See My Own Eend, I Don't Know
Who I Am A Pullin' Agin. I Intend To Take A Rise Out O'
Some O' The Knowin' Ones Here, That Will Make 'Em Scratch
Their Heads, And Stare, I Know. But Here We Are. Cut
Round This Corner, Into This Lane. Here It Is; This Is
It To The Right."
We Entered A Sort Of Coach-Yard, Which Was Filled With
A Motley And Mixed Crowd Of People. I Was Greatly
Disappointed In Tattersall's. Indeed, Few Things In London
Have Answered My Expectations. They Have Either Exceeded
Or Fallen Short Of The Description I Had Heard Of Them.
I Was Prepared, Both From What I Was Told By Mr. Slick,
And Heard, From Others, To Find That There Were But Very
Few Gentlemen-Like Looking Men There; And That By Far
The Greater Number Neither Were, Nor Affected To Be, Any
Thing But "Knowing Ones." I Was Led To Believe That There
Would Be A Plentiful Use Of The Terms _Of Art_, A Variety
Of Provincial Accent, And That The Conversation Of The
Jockeys And Grooms Would Be Liberally Garnished With
Appropriate Slang.
The Gentry Portion Of The Throng, With Some Few Exceptions,
It Was Said, Wore A Dissipated Look, And Had That Peculiar
Appearance Of Incipient Disease, That Indicates A Life
Of Late Hours, Of Excitement, And Bodily Exhaustion.
Lower Down In The Scale Of Life, I Was Informed,
Intemperance Had Left Its Indelible Marks. And That
Still Further Down, Were To Be Found The Worthless Lees
Of This Foul And Polluted Stream Of Sporting Gentlemen,
Spendthrifts, Gamblers, Bankrupts, Sots, Sharpers And
Jockeys.
Volume 2 Chapter 12 (Tattersall's Or, The Elder And The Grave Digger) Pg 159This Was By No Means The Case. It Was Just What A Man
Might Have Expected To Have Found A Great Sporting Exchange
And Auction Mart, Of Horses And Carriages, To Have Been,
In A Great City Like London, Had He Been Merely Told That
Such Was The Object Of The Place, And Then Left To Imagine
The Scene. It Was, As I Have Before Said, A Mixed And
Motley Crowd; And Must Necessarily Be So, Where Agents
Attend To Bid For Their Principals, Where Servants Are
In Waiting Upon Their Masters, And Above All, Where The
Ingress Is Open To Every One.
It Is, However, Unquestionably The Resort Of Gentlemen.
In A Great And Rich Country Like This, There Must,
Unavoidably, Be A Tattersall's; And The Wonder Is, Not
That It Is Not Better, But That It
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