The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Objects Here, To Be Unceasing In Their Endeavours To
Obtain That Which, On Certain Conditions, Is Promised To
All Hereafter. In Their Worldly Pursuits, As Men, It Is
Right For Them To '_Aim High_;' But As Christians, It Is
Also Their Duty To '_Aim Higher_.'"
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 152
Mr. Slick Visited Me Late Last Night, Dressed As If He
Had Been At A Party, But Very Cross, And, As Usual When
In That Frame Of Mind, He Vented His Ill-Humour On The
English.
"Where Have You Been To-Night, Mr. Slick?"
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 153"Jist Where The English Hosses Will Be," He Replied,
"When Old Clay Comes Here To This Country;--No Where. I
Have Been On A Stair-Case, That's Where I Have Been; And
A Pretty Place To See Company In, Ain't It? I Have Been
Jammed To Death In An Entry, And What's Wus Than All, I
Have Given One Gall A Black Eye With My Elbow, Tore
Another One's Frock Off With My Buttons, And Near About
Cut A Third One's Leg In Two With My Hat. Pretty Well
For One Night's Work, Ain't It? And For Me Too, That's
So Fond Of The Dear Little Critturs, I Wouldn't Hurt A
Hair Of Their Head, If I Could Help It, To Save My Soul
Alive. What A Spot O' Work!
"What The Plague Do People Mean Here By Askin' A Mob To
Their, House, And Invitin' Twice As Many As Can Get Into
It? If They Think It's Complimental, They Are Infarnally
Mistaken, That's All: It's An Insult And Nothin' Else,
Makin' A Fool Of A Body That Way. Heavens And Airth! I
Am Wringing Wet! I'm Ready To Faint! Where's The Key Of
Your Cellaret? I Want Some Brandy And Water. I'm Dead;
Bury Me Quick, For I Won't Be Nice Directly. Oh Dear!
How That Lean Gall Hurt Me! How Horrid Sharp Her Bones
Are!
"I Wish To Goodness You'd Go To A Swoi-Ree Oncet, Squire,
Jist Oncet--A Grand Let Off, One That's Upper Crust And
Rael Jam. It's Worth Seein' Oncet Jist As A Show, I Tell
_You_, For You Have No More Notion Of It Than A Child.
All Halifax, If It Was Swept Up Clean And Shook Out Into
A Room, Wouldn't Make One Swoi-Ree. I Have Been To Three
To Night, And All On 'Em Was Mobs--Regular Mobs. The
English Are Horrid Fond Of Mobs, And I Wonder At It Too;
For Of All The Cowardly, Miserable, Scarry Mobs, That
Ever Was Seen In This Blessed World, The English Is The
Wust. Two Dragoons Will Clear A Whole Street As Quick
As Wink, Any Time. The Instant They See 'Em, They Jist
Run Like A Flock Of Sheep Afore A Couple Of Bull Dogs,
And Slope Off Properly Skeered. Lawful Heart, I Wish
They'd Send For A Dragoon, All Booted, And Spurred, And
Mounted, And Let Him Gallop Into A Swoi-Ree, And Charge
The Mob There. He'd Clear 'Em Out _I_ Know, Double Quick:
He'd Chase One Quarter Of 'Em Down Stairs Head Over Heels,
And Another Quarter Would Jump Out O' The Winders, And
Break Their Confounded Necks To Save Their Lives, And
Then The Half That's Left, Would He Jist About Half Too
Many For Comfort.
"My First Party To-Night Wus A Conversation One; That Is
For Them That _Could_ Talk; As For Me I Couldn't Talk A
Bit, And All I Could Think Was, 'How Infarnal Hot It Is!
I Wish I Could Get In!' Or, 'Oh Dear, If I Could Only
Get Out!' It Was A Scientific Party, A Mob O' Men. Well,
Every Body Expected Somebody Would Be Squashed To Death,
And So Ladies Went, For They Always Go To Executions.
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 154They've Got A Kinder Nateral Taste For The Horrors, Have
Women. They Like To See People Hanged Or Trod To Death,
When They Can Get A Chance. It _Was_ A Conversation Warn't
It? That's All. I Couldn't Understand A Word I Heard.
Trap Shale Greywachy; A Petrified Snail, The Most Important
Discovery Of Modern Times. Bank Governor's Machine Weighs
Sovereigns, Light Ones Go To The Right, And Heavy Ones
To The Left.
"'Stop,' Says I, 'If You Mean The Sovereign People Here,
There Are None On 'Em Light. Right And Left Is Both
Monstrous Heavy; All Over Weight, Every One On 'Em. I'm
Squeezed To Death.'
"'Very Good, Mr. Slick. Let Me Introduce You To ----,'
They Are Whipt Off In The Current, And I Don't See 'Em
Again No More. 'A Beautiful Shew Of Flowers, Madam, At
The Garden: They Are All In Full Blow Now. The
Rhododendron--Had A Tooth Pulled When She Was Asleep.'
'Please To Let Me Pass, Sir.' 'With All My Heart, Miss,
If I Could; But I Can't Move; If I Could I Would Down On
The Carpet, And You Should Walk Over Me. Take Care Of
Your Feet, Miss, I Am Off Of Mine. Lord Bless Me! What's
This? Why As I Am A Livin' Sinner, It's Half Her Frock
Hitched On To My Coat Button. Now I Know What That Scream
Meant.'
"'How Do You Do, Mr. Slick? When Did You Come?' 'Why I
Came--' He Is Turned Round, And Shoved Out O' Hearin.'
'Xanthian Marbles At The British Museum Are Quite Wonderful;
Got Into His Throat, The Doctor Turned Him Upside Down,
Stood Him On His Head, And Out It Came--His Own Tunnel
Was Too Small.' 'Oh, Sir, You Are Cuttin' Me.' 'Me, Miss!
Where Had I The Pleasure Of Seein' You Before, I Never
Cut A Lady In My Life, Could'nt Do So Rude A Thing.
Havn't The Honour To Recollect You.' 'Oh, Sir, Take It
Away, It Cuts Me.' Poor Thing, She Is Distracted, I Don't
Wonder. She's Drove Crazy, Though I Think She Must Have
Been Mad To Come Here At All. 'Your Hat, Sir.' 'Oh, That
Cussed French Hat Is It? Well, The Rim Is As Stiff And
As Sharp As A Cleaver, That's A Fact, I Don't Wonder It
Cut You.' 'Eddis's Pictur--Capital Painting, Fell Out Of
The Barge, And Was Drowned.' 'Having Been Beat On The
Shillin' Duty; They Will Attach Him On The Fourpence,
And Thimble Rigg Him Out Of That.' 'They Say Sugden Is
In Town, Hung In A Bad Light, At The Temple Church.'
----'Who Is That?' 'Lady Fobus; Paired Off For The Session;
Brodie Operated.'----Lady Francis; Got The Life Guards;
There Will Be A Division To-Night.'----That's Sam Slick;
I'll Introduce You; Made A Capital Speech In The House
Of Lords, In Answer To Brougham--Lobelia--Voted For The
Bill--The Duchess Is Very Fond Of----Irish Arms--'
"Oh! Now I'm In The Entry. How Tired I Am! It Feels
Volume 2 Chapter 11 (A Swoi-Ree) Pg 155Shockin' Cold Here, Too, Arter Comin' Out O' That Hot
Room. Guess I'll Go To The Grand Musical Party. Come,
This Will Do; This Is Christian-Like, There Is Room Here;
But The Singin' Is In Next Room, I Will Go And Hear Them.
Oh! Here They Are Agin; It's A Proper Mob This. Cuss,
These English, They Can't Live Out Of Mobs. Prince Albert
Is There In That Room; I Must Go And See Him. He Is
Popular; He Is A Renderin' Of Himself Very Agreeable To
The English, Is Prince: He Mixes With Them As Much As He
Can; And Shews His Sense In That. Church Steeples Are
Very Pretty Things: That One To Antwerp Is Splendiriferous;
It's Everlastin' High, It Most Breaks Your Neck Layin'
Back Your Head To Look At It; Bend Backward Like A Hoop,
And Stare At It Once With All Your Eyes, And You Can't
Look Up Agin, You Are Satisfied. It Tante No Use For A
Prince To Carry A Head So High As That, Albert Knows
This; He Don't Want To Be Called The Highest Steeple,
Cause All The World Knows He Is About The Top Loftiest;
But He Want's To Descend To The World We Live In.
"With A Queen All Men Love, And A Prince All Men Like,
Royalty Has A Root In The Heart Here. Pity, Too, For The
English Don't Desarve To Have A Queen; And Such A Queen
As They Have Got Too, Hang Me If They Do. They Ain't Men,
They Hante The Feelin's Or Pride O' Men In 'Em; They
Ain't What They Used To Be, The Nasty, Dirty, Mean-Spirited,
Sneakin' Skunks, For If They Had A Heart As Big As A
Pea--And That Ain't Any Great Size, Nother--Cuss 'Em,
When Any Feller Pinted A Finger At Her To Hurt Her, Or
Even Frighten Her, They'd String Him Right Up On The
Spot, To The Lamp Post. Lynch Him Like A Dog That Steals
Sheep Right Off The Reel, And Save Mad-Doctors, Skary
Judges, And Chartist Papers All The Trouble Of Findin'
Excuses. And, If That Didn't Do, Chinese Like, They'd
Take The Whole Crowd Present And Sarve _Them_ Out. They'd
Be Sure To Catch The Right One Then. I Wouldn't Shed
Blood, Because That's Horrid; It Shocks All Christian
People, Philosophisin' Legislators, Sentimental Ladies,
And Spooney Gentlemen. It's Horrid Barbarous That, Is
Sheddin' Blood; I Wouldn't Do That, I'd Jist Hang Him.
A Strong Cord Tied Tight Round His Neck Would Keep That
Precious Mixtur, Traitor's Blood, All In As Close As If
His Mouth Was Corked, Wired, And White-Leaded, Like A
Champagne Bottle.
"Oh Dear! These Are The Fellers That Come Out A Travellin'
Among Us, And Sayin' The Difference Atween You And Us Is
'The Absence Of Loyalty.' I've Heard Tell A Great Deal
Of That Loyalty, But I've Seen Precious Little Of It,
Since I've Been Here, That's A Fact. I've Always Told
You These Folks Ain't What They Used To Be, And I See
More And More, On 'Em Every Day. Yes, The English Are
Like Their Hosses, They
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