The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
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Up The Stock. At Present They Die; It Ain't Big Enough;
There Ain't Room. If He Sais He Hante Time To Hear You,
And Asks You To Put It Into Writin', Do You Jist Walk
Over To His Table, Take Up His Lignum Vitae Ruler Into
Your Fist, Put Your Back To The Door, And Say 'By The
'Tarnal Empire, You _Shall_ Hear Me; You Don't Go Out Of
This, Till I Give You The Butt Eend Of My Mind, I Can
Tell You. I Am An Old Bull Frog Now; The Nova Scotia Pond
Is Big Enough For Me; I'll Get Drowned If I Get Into A
Bigger One, For I Hante Got No Fins, Nothin' But Legs
And Arms To Swim With, And Deep Water Wouldn't Suit Me,
I Ain't Fit For It, And I Must Live And Die There, That's
My Fate As Sure As Rates.' If He Gets Tired, And Goes To
Get Up Or To Move, Do You Shake The Big Ruler At Him, As
Fierce As A Painter, And Say, 'Don't You Stir For Your
Life; I Don't Want To Lay Nothin' _On_ Your Head, I Only
Want To Put Somethin' _In_ It. I Am A Father And Have
Got Youngsters. I Am A Native, And Have Got Countrymen.
Enlarge Our Sphere, Give Us A Chance In The World.' 'Let
Me Out,' He'll Say, 'This Minute, Sir, Or I'll Put You
In Charge Of A Policeman.' 'Let You Out Is It,' Sais You.
'Oh! You Feel Bein' Pent Up, Do You? I Am Glad Of It.
The Tables Are Turned Now, That's What We Complain Of.
You've Stood At The Door, And Kept Us In; Now I'll Keep
You In Awhile. I Want To Talk To You, That's More Than
You Ever Did To Us. How Do You Like Bein' Shut In? Does
It Feel Good? Does It Make Your Dander Rise?' 'Let Me
Out,' He'll Say Agin, 'This Moment, Sir, How Dare You.'
Oh! You Are In A Hurry, Are You?' Sais You. 'You've Kept
Me In All My Life; Don't Be Oneasy If I Keep You In Five
Minutes.'
"'Well, What Do You Want Then?' He'll Say, Kinder Peevish;
'What Do You Want?' 'I Don't Want Nothin' For Myself,'
Sais You. 'I've Got All I Can Get In That Pond; And I
Got That From The Whigs, Fellers I've Been Abusin' All
My Life; And I'm Glad To Make Amends By Acknowledging
This Good Turn They Did Me; For I Am A Tory, And No
Mistake. I Don't Want Nothin'; But I Want To Be An
_Englishman_. I Don't Want To Be An English _Subject_;
Do You Understand That Now? If You Don't, This Is The
Meanin', That There Is No Fun In Bein' A Fag, If You Are
Never To Have A Fag Yourself. Give Us All Fair Play.
Volume 2 Chapter 10 (Aiming High) Pg 149Don't Move Now,' Sais You, 'For I'm Gettin' Warm; I'm
Gettin' Spotty On The Back, My Bristles Is Up, And I
Might Hurt You With This Ruler; It's A Tender Pint This,
For I've Rubbed The Skin Off Of A Sore Place; But I'll
Tell You A Gospel Truth, And Mind What I Tell You, For
Nobody Else Has Sense Enough, And If They Had, They Hante
Courage Enough. If You Don't Make _Englishmen Of Us_,
The Force Of Circumstances Will _Make Yankees_ Of Us, As
Sure As You Are Born.' He'll Stare At That. He Is A Clever
Man, And Aint Wantin' In Gumption. He Is No Fool, That's
A Fact. 'Is It No Compliment To You And Your Institutions
This?' Sais You. 'Don't It Make You Feel Proud That Even
Independence Won't Tempt Us To Dissolve The Connexion?
Ain't It A Noble Proof Of Your Good Qualities That,
Instead Of Agitatin' For Repeal Of The Union, We Want A
Closer Union? But Have We No Pride Too? We Would Be
Onworthy Of The Name Of Englishmen, If We Hadn't It, And
We Won't Stand Beggin' For Ever I Tell _You_. Here's Our
Hands, Give Us Yourn; Let's Be All Englishmen Together.
Give Us A Chance, And If Us, Young English Boys, Don't
Astonish You Old English, My Name Ain't Tom Poker, That's
All.' 'Sit Down,' He'll Say, 'Mr. Poker;' There Is A
Great Deal In That; Sit Down; I Am Interested.'
"The Instant He Sais That, Take Your Ruler, Lay It Down
On The Table, Pick Up Your Hat, Make A Scrape With Your
Hind Leg, And Say, 'I Regret I Have Detained You So Long,
Sir. I Am Most Peskily Afraid My Warmth Has Kinder Betrayed
Me Into Rudeness. I Really Beg Pardon, I Do Upon My Soul.
I Feel I Have Smashed Down All Decency, I Am Horrid
Ashamed Of Myself.' Well, He Won't Say You Hante Rode
The High Hoss, And Done The Unhandsum Thing, Because It
Wouldn't Be True If He Did; But He'll Say, 'Pray Be
Seated. I Can Make Allowances, Sir, Even For Intemperate
Zeal. And This Is A Very Important Subject, Very Indeed.
There Is A Monstrous Deal In What You Say, Though You
Have, I Must Say, Rather A Peculiar, An Unusual, Way Of
Puttin' It.' Don't You Stay Another Minit Though, Nor
Say Another Word, For Your Life; But Bow, Beg Pardon,
Hold In Your Breath, That Your Face May Look Red, As If
You Was Blushin', And Back Out, Starn Fust. Whenever
You Make An Impression On A Man, Stop; Your Reasonin'
And Details May Ruin You. Like A Feller Who Sais A Good
Thing, He'd Better Shove Off, And Leave Every One Larfin'
At His Wit, Than Stop And Tire Them Out, Till They Say
What A Great Screw Augur That Is. Well, If You Find He
Opens The Colonies, And Patronises The Smart Folks, Leave
Your Sons There If You Like, And Let 'Em Work Up, And
Work Out Of It, If They Are Fit, And Time And Opportunity
Offers. But One Thing Is Sartain, _The Very Openin' Of
The Door Will Open Their Minds_, As A Matter Of Course.
If He Don't Do It, And I Can Tell You Before Hand He
Won't--For They Actilly Hante Got Time Here, To Think Of
These Things--Send Your Boys Here Into The Great World.
Volume 2 Chapter 10 (Aiming High) Pg 150Sais You To The Young Lawyer, 'Bob,' Sais You, '"Aim
High." If You Don't Get To Be Lord Chancellor, I Shall
Never Die In Peace. I've Set My Heart On It. It's Within
Your Reach, If You Are Good For Anything. Let Me See The
Great Seal--Let Me Handle It Before I Die--Do, That's A
Dear; If Not, Go Back To Your Colony Pond, And Sing With
Your Provincial Frogs, And I Hope To Heaven The Fust
Long-Legged Bittern That Comes There Will Make A Supper
Of You."
"Then Sais You To The Young Parson, 'Arthur,' Sais You
'Natur Jist Made You For A Clergyman. Now, Do You Jist
Make Yourself 'Archbishop Of Canterbury.' My Death-Bed
Scene Will Be An Awful One, If I Don't See You 'The
Primate'; For My Affections, My Hopes, My Heart, Is Fixed
On It. I Shall Be Willin' To Die Then, I Shall Depart In
Peace, And Leave This World Happy. And, Arthur,' Sais
You, 'They Talk And Brag Here Till One Is Sick Of The
Sound A'most About "Addison's Death-Bed." Good People
Refer To It As An Example, Authors As A Theatrical Scene
And Hypocrites As A Grand Illustration For Them To Turn
Up The Whites Of Their Cold Cantin' Eyes At. Lord Love
You, My Son,' Sais You, 'Let Them Brag Of It; But What
Would It Be To Mine; You Congratulatin' Me On Goin' To
A Better World, And Me Congratulatin' You On Bein'
"Archbishop." Then,' Sais You, In A Starn Voice Like A
Boatsan's Trumpet--For If You Want Things To Be Remembered,
Give 'Em Effect, "Aim High," Sir,' Sais You. Then Like
My Old Father, Fetch Him A Kick On His Western Eend, That
Will Lift Him Clean Over The Table, And Say 'That's The
Way To Rise In The World, You Young Sucking Parson You.
"Aim High," Sir.'
"Neither Of Them Will Ever Forget It As Long As They
Live. The Hit Does That; For A Kick Is A Very _Striking_
Thing, That's A Fact. There Has Been _No Good Scholars
Since Birch Rods Went Out O' School, And Sentiment Went
In_."
"But You Know," I Said, "Mr. Slick, That Those High Prizes
In The Lottery Of Life, Can, In The Nature Of Things, Be
Drawn But By Few People, And How Many Blanks Are There
To One-Prize In This World."
"Well, What's To Prevent Your Boys Gettin' Those Prizes,
If Colonists Was Made Christians Of, Instead Of Outlawed,
Exiled, Transported, Oncarcumcised Heathen Indgean Niggers,
As They Be. If People Don't Put Into A Lottery, How The
Devil Can They Get Prizes? Will You Tell Me That. Look
At The Critters Here, Look At The Publicans, Taylors,
Barbers, And Porters' Sons, How The've Rose Here, 'In
This Big Lake,' To Be Chancellors And Archbishops; How
Did They Get Them? They 'Aimed High,' And Besides, All
That, Like Father's Story Of The Gun, By 'Aiming High,'
Volume 2 Chapter 10 (Aiming High) Pg 151Though They May Miss The Mark, They Will Be Sure To Hit
The Upper Circles. Oh, Squire, There Is Nothing Like
'Aiming High,' In This World."
"I Quite Agree With You, Sam," Said Mr. Hopewell. "I
Never Heard You Speak So Sensibly Before. Nothing Can Be
Better For Young Men Than "Aiming High." Though They May
Not Attain To The Highest Honours, They May, As You Say,
Reach To A Most Respectable Station. But Surely, Squire,
You Will Never So Far Forget The Respect That Is Due To
So High An Officer As A Secretary Of State, Or, Indeed,
So Far Forget Yourself As To Adopt A Course, Which From
Its Eccentricity, Violence, And Impropriety, Must Leave
The Impression That Your Intellects Are Disordered.
Surely You Will Never Be Tempted To Make The Experiment?"
"I Should Think Not, Indeed," I Said. "I Have No Desire
To Become An Inmate Of A Lunatic Asylum."
"Good," Said He; "I Am Satisfied. I Quite Agree With
Sam, Though. Indeed, I Go Further. I Do Not Think He Has
Advised You To Recommend Your Boys To 'Aim High Enough.'"
"Creation! Said Mr. Slick, "How Much Higher Do You Want
Provincial Frogs To Go, Than To Be 'Chancellor' And
'Primate?'
"I'll Tell You, Sam; I'd Advise Them To 'Aim Higher' Than
Earthly Honours. I Would Advise Them To Do Their Duty,
In Any Station Of Life In Which It Shall Please Providence
To Place Them; And
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