What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman, David Doss [ebook audio reader .txt] 📗

What Not To Say To A Pregnant Woman
Our Crazy Journey Through Our First Pregnancy

You may be asking yourself why someone would write a book about what not to say to pregnant women. Most people understand that pregnancy makes women react to things differently. Most people. So, are you one of those who are reading just to see how idiotic I really was and are amazed that I lived to tell, or are you reading because you, like me, opened your big mouth and inserted both feet?
This all started shortly after I found out that my wife and I were expecting our first child. Don’t get me wrong…that was the greatest news I could ever get. Well, that or that I won the lottery. Anyway, we were expecting. Now, my lovely wife and I have great communication; however, I like to joke and kid around. So, while joking, I kept coming up with stupid sayings about the way my wife looked or how she walked…you get the idea. Her reaction to what I was saying inspired this book.
As an aside – everything in this book is meant for fun and not to be taken seriously. In other words, please don’t try this at home.

Know Each Other Well

It is very important that you know your wife and understand what makes her tick, or you might get hurt (cast iron skillet, anyone?) Or you could hurt her feelings. I knew my wife pretty well, so I felt somewhat safe.
Throughout her pregnancy, she was never in those deep, moody, depressing moods; she was always happy-go-lucky. Therefore, I was able to get away with certain things that others might not have been. You are probably thinking one of two things: either I escaped from a mental hospital, or I hate my wife. Fortunately, she knows me well, and knows that I love her dearly. Although she does sometimes wonder if I did escape from the mental hospital…don’t tell her; that is my secret…
In any relationship, there has to be a time for fun and kidding around. It makes the relationship more enjoyable and worthwhile. Now, if you are like me, and don’t know when to stop, then keep reading…

Big

The first statement I made was one night as my wife and I were walking back to the car from Wal-mart (our second home). She was walking in front of me, and before I knew it, I said, “Number one thing to not say to a pregnant woman: ‘No, you’re butt doesn’t look big. Unless you’re comparing it to a Volkswagen Bus.”
Yes, I said it. Yes, I’m still alive to tell about it. To my surprise, she laughed and said, “It’s a good thing I know you!” Of course, we all know that pregnant women get bigger, so I do NOT recommend making “moo” or “oink” sounds as she eats. It’s just not a smart thing to do. And if she asks if she looks big? I beg you, just say no. Sometimes, most times, the best answer is no.
The next day, I found out my wife told her boss what I had said. Her boss was shocked that I would even think such a thing, much less say it. Knowing myself, though, it didn’t shock me that it came from my mouth.

Can Looks Kill?

I can tell you that the looks your wife gives you will tell you everything you need to know, and how far you can push your luck. So far, to my knowledge, no one has actually died from a look. Knowing my luck, I just might be the first.
If you ever say something, and you feel like daggers are piercing your heart, ten to nothing the next words out of your mouth better be “I was only kidding,” or “I am so sorry.” If you continue to ignore the feeling like someone is watching you, I hope the couch is comfy, because that is most likely where you’ll be sleeping that night or even longer if she is really mad.
If you see her turn red and that blood vessel pops out on her forehead, I recommend some flowers and maybe dinner. Never, and I do mean never, forget those three words that she wants to hear. And, no, it’s not “Yes, you’re right” (although that could buy you some time), it’s “I love you.” I don’t care how many times you say it; your wife can’t hear it enough.

Obvious Changes

Throughout the wonderful journey of pregnancy, a woman’s body changes as the child grows and develops. To us men, these changes are very obvious and the only advice I can give you is to bite your tongue.
I found out that the little part of the brain that keeps you from saying something stupid soon wears out or comes up missing as time passes in relationships between husbands and wives. I can say this because I found myself saying the stupidest thing possible when I told her that I hoped the baby didn’t push her belly out too far because her butt was big enough already. When I look back on what I said, I can only think, “Ouch!”
I don’t recommend, either, that when you see the stretch marks on her belly that you compare them to a road map of Texas. If you do, please know what your favorite flavor of baby food is because once your jaws are wired shut that will be the only thing you’ll be able to eat for a long time.
As the changes continue, you will notice that she will wobble and her balance is completely off. Now, my wife has never been graceful, and has always admitted to being a klutz, but as she got bigger, she got worse. I started thinking of the old Weeble Wobble toys…”they wobble but they don’t fall down.” I found myself asking her to bend over to pick things up just to watch her wobble and see her struggle to reach something on the floor.
Now, don’t say a word…deep down you are probably laughing. The dangerous thing is to laugh out loud. I tell you the truth when I say she will not be laughing with you.
And you know she isn’t drinking, so don’t say she’s walking like a drunk. Keep in mind that you are partially responsible for the changes that are going on in her body; so if she is walking like she’s drunk, don’t hand her a glass and say, “Why don’t you have another?”

Dangers of Pregnancy

There is a danger in being a husband with a pregnant wife, and that is when you are standing between her and food. My understanding is that a lot of pregnant women have cravings for different foods, or they are just more hungry than normal. My wife’s first craving was for Mexican food; she just had to have a burrito from Taco Bell. Not Jolly Tamale, not anywhere else; Taco Bell. She drove all over town looking for a Taco Bell, just to satisfy that craving, and had it scarfed down before she ever got out of the parking lot. Even without cravings, do not dangle food in front of a pregnant woman’s face, or you better count your fingers when you’re done.
Second, remember that pregnancy brings about all sorts of changes, and I recommend that you buy an air-purifying system. They thought only men could make such stench. Men are just crude enough to mention something like that; women tend to be more tactful, unless she’s pregnant.
Third, she will need help. I have to admit it was so funny to watch my wife trying to get up out of her chair or off the floor. I wanted to help but deep down the thought that kept me from jumping to her aid was that if she fell on me, I would disappear. Do not, however, ask her if she wants you to call a tow truck or get a special lift. This will probably score you a few nights at the YMCA. If you are foolish enough to say something like that, please arrange ahead of time to stay the week with a friend.
Last, food is not safe. When you have leftovers from supper and you say that you will have them for lunch the next day, you better think again. Sometime early in the morning the food fairy comes and takes your food and gives it to your wife. For example, we had one pudding cup left. I told her I was planning on having it with my lunch, but when I went to get it the next day, it was gone. When my wife came home she told me all about her day, and what she had for lunch, and surprise! Somehow the pudding ended up in her lunch bag.
I have an idea! If you are lucky enough to have a truck with a big tool box in the back, fill it with ice and pudding cups. In no way, however, let your wife know that you have your own stock unless you want to see the tool box being fitted for her car.

To Cry or Not To Cry, That is the Question

Pregnant women can be big balls of emotions, not knowing if she wants to laugh, scream, or cry. I found out that the lamest thing would be the funniest thing in the world to her. When she watches something sad, you better have a stock of Kleenex because she will go through them pretty fast. I found that Bounty paper towels actually held more so I recommend using them instead. Avoid making fun of her when she is weepy because you may push your luck and end up using the paper towels to take care of your bloody nose.
You will make your wife very happy if you share in the times when she is happy, and are just as excited when you feel the baby move as she is, and if you sympathize when she cries. Hold her close and take pleasure in knowing you are going to be a daddy and have a new life to take care of. Or, just sit there and nod your head intelligently. At least you will stay out of trouble for awhile. I don’t recommend running, because she will just find you anyway and make your life miserable. You don’t want to spend the first few years of the child’s life in traction. Remember, she has excess hormones going through her body, and even Superman would be afraid of her. There’s nothing wrong with crying with her or allowing her to cry on your shoulder. Tide will get the snot and tear stains out of your clothes.

Midnight Cravings

I guess on this one, I have to say I am lucky because she never woke me up to go get anything from the store. For those of you who have gone through this, I know that it was a chore, but you survived, and future daddies will look to you for inspiration. The good thing to remember is that you can sleep as long as you want once the child grows up and leaves the house. Unless you have one of those who think it is better to live at home as long as possible.

Comfort-less

When you both get to the point of counting down the last weeks, you are learning that your wife is not comfortable, not sitting, not lying down, not walking. I wish there was a magic word to