Mr. Punch on Tour: The Humour of Travel at Home and Abroad, J. A. Hammerton [good short books .txt] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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Now spending dismal holidays on some dank sea-girt shore,
You, who affect to pity those compelled in town to stay,
Should rather envy us, because we cannot get away.
While you are hiring tiny rooms at many pounds a week,
And huddle there and watch parades that run with rain, and reek,
Contrast my cheerful aspect with your discontented looks,
As here I stay at ease among my pictures and my books.
Here in the trains the traveller can now find ample space,
Enjoying elbow-room without a struggle for a place:
The choicest dishes are not "off" at half-past one to lunch,
And no one spoils our appetite with—"After you with Punch!"
The dainty shops of Regent Street teem with their treasures still,
The Park with all its beauties we can now enjoy at will;
No longer do the jostling crowds provoke an angry frown,
But leisurely we relish the amenities of town.
Thus basking in the keen delights that empty London owns
(Though from my heart I pity you—Brown, Robinson and Jones),
So long as you may care to stay, and business is slack,
I cannot honestly declare I long to see you back.
[Pg 51]
TRIPPERS
Tommy (his first visit). "Will it be like this all d-d-d-day daddy?"
[Pg 52]
Billiard Enthusiast (having mistaken his room at the hotel, holding on to knobs of bed). "Which do you prefer, sir? Spot or plain?"
When the chairman of a railway company speaks of "the diversion of traffic," may it be understood that "pleasure trips and excursions" are covered by this expression?
[Pg 53]
ENGLAND AND GERMANY
British Nimrod (who has shot tigers in India, and lions in South Africa). "The fact is, Herr Muller, that I don't care much for sport unless it contains the element of danger."
German Nimrod. "Ach zo? you are vont of taincher? Den you should gom ant shood mit me! Vy, only de oder tay I shoodet my broder-in-law in de shd�mag!"
[Pg 54]
Cutting a new Acquaintance.—Major Longi'th'Bow. I met a Brahmin once with "John Smith, London," carved on his back. You see he was standing motionless in one of those pious trances which nothing is allowed to interrupt. In this state he was found by a cheap-tripper, who took him for a statue and cut his name as usual.
At Florence.—First Tourist. Hullo! Barkins, what brought you here?
Second Tourist (facetiously). The railway, of course. And you?
First Tourist (getting mixed, but thinking he has his friend). My wife's wish to see the Leaning Tower of Pisa!
Suitable Spots.—Gainsborough—for greedy tradesmen; Gnosall—for wiseacres; Gravesend—for sextons; Great Barr—for constant topers; Grind-on—for crammers; Halt-whistle—for football umpires; Hastings—for wasps; Hawkshead—for falconers; Honi-ton—for busy bees; Hoot-on—for owls.
Cry of the Travelling Smoker.—En briar root!
[Pg 55]
SNUB FOR A SNOB
English Tourist. "Aw—that buttermilk was very nice, my dear. What payment do you expect for it?"
Cottage Girl. "We wouldn't be after asking any payment. Sure we give it to the pigs!"
[Pg 56]
MISPLACED SYMPATHY
(The "Boots" at the Shadow of Death Hotel, in the back block of Australia, on seeing a pair of boot-trees for the first time.)
"I say, Billy, that poor bloke in the bed-room must 'ave ad a terrible accident. He's got two wooden feet!"
Mrs. Tripper (examining official notice on the walls of Boulogne). What's that mean, Tripper, "Pas de Calais"?
Tripper (who is proud of his superior acquaintance with a foreign language). It means—"Nothing to do with Calais," my dear. These rival ports are dreadfully jealous of one another.
[Pg 57]
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
Jones. "I say, what's the exact meaning of 'voil�'?"
Brown. "Well, I should translate it as 'behold,' or 'there you are,' or something like that."
Jones. "Confound it! I've been using it for the last month and thinking I've been swearing in French!"
[Pg 58]
BASHAN, NEAR BARMOUTH
The worst of Wales is, the wild beasts are so numerous and inquisitive.
[Pg 59]
Geology.
Scientific Pedestrian. "Do you find any fossils here?"
Excavator. "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but muck and 'ard work!"
[Pg 60]
Music on the Waters.
Parker. "Beg pardon, my lady, but the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."
Her Ladyship (astonished). "But it's in their programme!"
Parker. "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still water, and then they'll try!"
[Pg 61]
The Comforter.
"I say, old man, I've just been down in the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever struck!"
[Pg 62]
A Moot Point.
Mrs. Brown (on her honeymoon). "Oh, aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of going to one of those stupid foreign places?"
[Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one.
[Pg 63]
Bad Habits Grow Apace.
Traveller (whose train is due). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make me miss my train!"
Jarvey. "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station no more!"
[Pg 64]
THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED (An � propos Duologue)She (with resolution). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have made a mistake.
He. Yes, dear; which of them?
She. You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake; and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.
He. Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.
She. Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.
He. Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.
She. It cost a lot of money, Charlie.
He. It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.
She. Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.
He. Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well worth it, to buy the bonnet.[Pg 66]
She. How good, how noble of you to say so!
He. Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you have your bonnet—a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian shape imaginable.
She (with an effort). The shape is not Parisian.
He. Not Parisian! Where does it come from?
She. I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware Road.
[Tears and curtain.
At Windsor.—American Traveller (to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"). Say, is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?
Waiter. Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.
American Traveller. Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty in any one capacity.
Suitable Spots.—Ware-ham—for abstainers from pork; Whits-table—for facetious gourmets; Wig-more—for bald men; Wig-ton—for perruquiers; Winfarthing—for small gamblers; Wo-burn—for firemen.
[Pg 65]
NOS� IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE SPHINX.
"One touch of Punch makes the whole world kin."
[Pg 67]
A question of Proportion.
Colonel Peppercorn (who is touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken down). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you repair it?"
Alphonse Legros. "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centim�tres from ze ground; but me—voil�—I have one m�tre round ze chest!"
[Pg 68]
THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MECUMQuestion. What is your object this year?
Answer. To follow the precedent of former Summers, and get over as much ground as possible.
Q. How do you manage this?
A. With the assistance of a ticket guaranteed to make distance a greater consideration than scenery.
Q. Is it necessary to examine the places en route with much careful consideration?
A. Certainly not, as the Guide-book of the place visited will supply the compulsory omissions.
Q. What are compulsory omissions?
A. Objects of interest left out for want of time to give them an inspection.
Q. How long would you give St. Peter's at Rome?
A. A quarter of an hour, and the Colosseum at the same place ten minutes.
Q. Could you not spare more time than this from your holiday?[Pg 70]
A. No; for luncheon and dinner have to be taken into consideration in the touring table.
Q. What object of interest would you examine in the Land of the Midnight Sun?
A. The sun at midnight, if it happened to be shining.
Q. And if you visited the Rhine by the railway, what object of interest would chiefly attract your attention?
A. The interior of the compartment in which you happened to be travelling.
Q. What advantage would you derive from your tour?
A. The satisfaction of explaining to non-tourists where you had been rather than what you had seen.
Q. Do you consider that your mind would derive much benefit from your rapid locomotion?
A. Not much, nor my body either.
Q. But I presume your outing would justify the title of this Vade Mecum?
A. Most certainly; because, by the end of your journey, you might accurately describe your condition as one who had been reduced to a skeleton.
[Pg 69]
Nervous Tourist. "Stop, driver, stop! There's something wrong! I am sure a wheel's coming off!"
Driver. "Arrah, be aisy then, yer honour. Sure, it's the same one's been comin' off thin these three days back!"
[Pg 71]
(Sketched on the pier just after the arrival of the boat.)
'Arry (viewing stormy sea in a mutoscope). "My eye, Maria, come an' 'ave a look 'ere. The motion of the waives is simply grand!"
[Pg 72]
A Continental Trip.
First Man (tasting beer). "Hullo! I ordered lager. This isn't lager!"
Second Man (tasting). "No; but it's jolly good, all the same!"
Third Man (tasting). "C'est magnifique! mais ce n'est pas lager-r-r!"
[Pg 73]
On The Grand Tour.
Scene—Staircase of the Palazzo Bianco.—(Enter the Joneses of London.) Chorus of Maidens. "O, ma, dear! O, papa! do look! Isn't this charming? Isn't it delightful? Only fancy—the Bragginton Smiths were here last month!"
[Pg 74]
THE FAULT OF THE FOWL
Scene—Coffee-Room, Hotel, Guernsey.
Visitor (gazing at a guinea-fowl's egg). "Waiter! Can you tell me what egg this is?"
Waiter. "Oh, sir, it's a Guernsey egg. They sometimes lays them like that. It's not done in the boiling!"
[Pg 75]
Corrected.
Lady Tourist (doing the cathedrals of Scotland). "This is Gothic, isn't it, John?"
Juvenile Vendor of "Guides" (severely). "No, mem, this is Presbyterian."
[Pg 76]
At Homburg-v.-d.-H.—Colonel Twister (in the hotel smoking-room). Yes! I once played a game of pool at Senecarabad, holding the cue in my teeth, and captured all the loot!
Captain Longbow. Pooh! That's nothing! About a month ago I matched myself at shell-out against Fred Fandango, and clutching the cue between my toes, walked in lying on my back!
Colonel Twister (taken unawares). But how the deuce did you manage to see the table?
Captain Longbow. See the table? Why, had the cloth lighted with R�ntgen rays, of course! Saw through the slate!
[The Colonel abruptly
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