Mr. Punch in the Highlands, J. A. Hammerton and Charles Keene [books to read romance .txt] 📗
Book online «Mr. Punch in the Highlands, J. A. Hammerton and Charles Keene [books to read romance .txt] 📗». Author J. A. Hammerton and Charles Keene
Awkward for Him.—Tam. "I'm sayin', man, my cairt o' hay's fa'en ower. Will ye gie 's a haund up wi' 't?" Jock. "'Deed will I. But ye'll be in nae hurry till I get tae the end o' the raw?" Tam. "Ou no. I'm in nae hurry, but I doot my faither 'll be wearyin'." Jock. "An' whaur's yer faither?" Tam. "He's in below the hay!"
[Pg 113]
"MISTAKEN IDENTITY"
Scene—Northern Meeting at Inverness.
Persons Represented—Ian Gorm and Dougald Mohr, gillies. Mr. Smith, of London.
First Gillie. "Wull yon be the MacWhannel, Ian Gorm?"
Second ditto. "No!! Hes nae-um is Muster Smuth! And he ahl-ways wears the kult—and it is foohl that you aar, Tougalt Mohr!!"
[Pg 115]
(LOCH) FYNE GRAMMAR
(A Sad Fact for the School Board)
Tugal. "Dud ye'll ever see the I-oo-na any more before?"
Tonal. "Surely I was."
Tugal. "Ay, ay! Maybe you was never on poard too, after thus——"
Tonal. "I dud."
[Pg 117]
NON BEN (LOMOND) TROVATO.
Rory (fresh from the hills). "Hech, mon! Ye're loassin' a' yer watter!!"
Aungus. "Haud yer tongue, ye feul! Ett's latt oot to stoap the laddies frae ridin' ahint!!"
[Pg 119]
"NOTHING LIKE LEATHER"
Bookseller (to Lanarkshire country gentleman who had brought his back numbers to be bound). "Would you like them done in 'Russia' or 'Morocco,' sir?"
Old Gentleman. "Na, never maind aboot Rooshy or Moroccy. I'll just hae 'em boond in Glasgy here!"
[Pg 121]
THE TROUBLES OF STALKING
Irate Gillie (on discovering in the distance, for the third time that morning, a "brute of a man" moving about in his favourite bit of "forest"). "Oh! deil take the people! Come awa', Muster Brown, sir; it's just Peekadilly!!!"
[Pg 123]
A FALLEN ASS
Indignant Gillie (to Jones, of London, who has by mistake killed a hind). "I thoucht ony fule ken't it was the stags that had the horns!"
[Pg 124]
BONCHIENIE
Young Lady Tourist (caressing the hotel terrier, Bareglourie, N.B.). "Oh, Binkie is his name! He seems inclined to be quite friendly with me."
Waiter. "Oo, aye, miss, he's no vera parteec'lar wha he taks oop wi!"
[Pg 125]
"CANNY"
First North Briton. "'T's a fine day, this?"
Second ditto. "No ill, ava."
First ditto. "Ye'll be travellin'?"
Second ditto. "Weel, maybe I'm no."
First ditto. "Gaun t'Aberdeen, maybe?"
Second ditto. "Ye're no faur aff't!!"
[Mutually satisfied, each goes his respective way
[Pg 127]
THE PURCHASING LIMIT
Mr. Steinsen (our latest millionaire—after his third fruitless stalk). "Now, look here, you rascal! if you can't have the brutes tamer, I'm hanged if I don't sack you!"
[Pg 129]
GROWING POPULARITY OF THE HIGHLANDS
Mrs. Smith (of Brixton). "Lor', Mr. Brown, I 'ardly knoo yer! Only think of our meetin' 'ere, this year, instead of dear old Margit! An' I suppose that's the costume you go salmon-stalking in?"
[Pg 130]
MORE SKETCHES FROM SCOTLAND On a Callander Char-a-banc.Scene—In front of the Trossachs Hotel. The few passengers bound for Callander have been sitting for several minutes on the coach "Fitz-James" in pelting rain, resignedly wondering when the driver will consider them sufficiently wet to start.
The Head Boots (to the driver). There's another to come yet; he'll no be lang now. (The cause of the delay comes down the hotel steps, and surveys the vehicle and its occupants with a surly scowl.) Up with ye, sir, plenty of room on the second seats.
The Surly Passenger. And have all the umbrellas behind dripping on my hat! No, thank you, I'm going in front. (He mounts, and takes up the apron.) Here, driver, just look at this apron—it's sopping wet!
The Driver (tranquilly). Aye, I'm thinking it wull ha' got a bet domp.
[Pg 132]
The Surly P. Well, I'm not going to have this over me. Haven't you got a dry one somewhere?
The Driver. There'll be dry ones at Collander.
The Surly P. (with a snort). At Callander! Much good that is! (With crushing sarcasm.) If I'm to keep dry on this concern, it strikes me I'd better get inside the boot at once!
The Driver (with the air of a man who is making a concession). Ou aye, ye can get inside the boot if ye've a mind to it.
[Pg 131]
"Ou aye, ye can get inside the boot if ye've a mind to it."
[The coach starts, and is presently stopped at a corner to take up a male and a female passenger, who occupy the seats immediately behind the Surly Passenger.The Female P. (enthusiastically, to her companion). There's dear old Mrs. Macfarlane, come out to see the last of us! Look at her standing out there in the garden, all in the rain. That's what I always say about the Scotch—they are warm-hearted!
[She waves her hand in farewell to some distant object.
Her Companion. That ain't her; that's an old apple-tree in the garden you're waving to. She's keeping indoors—and shows her sense too.
The Female P. (disgusted). Well, I do think after our being at the farm a fortnight and all, she might——But that's Scotch all over, that is; get all they can out of you, and then, for anything they care——!
The Surly P. I don't know whether you are aware of it, ma'am, but that umbrella of yours is sending a constant trickle down the back of my neck, which is most unpleasant!
The Female P. I'm sorry to hear it, sir, but it's no worse for you than it is for me. I've got somebody else's umbrella dripping down my back, and I don't complain.
[Pg 136]
The Surly P. I do, ma'am, for, being in front, I haven't even the poor consolation of feeling that my umbrella is a nuisance to anybody.
A Sardonic P. (in the rear, politely). On the contrary, sir, I find it a most pleasing object to contemplate. Far more picturesque, I don't doubt, than any scenery it may happen to conceal.
A Chatty P. (to the driver; not because he cares, but simply for the sake of conversation). What fish do you catch in that river there?
The Driver (with an effort). There'll be troots, an', maybe, a pairrch or two.
The Chatty P. Perch? Ah, that's rather like a goldfish in shape, eh?
Driver (cautiously). Aye, it would be that.
Chatty P. Only considerably bigger, of course.
Driver (evasively). Pairrch is no a verra beg fesh.
Chatty P. But bigger than goldfish.
Driver (more confidently). Ou aye, they'll be begger than goldfesh.
Chatty P. (persistently). You've seen goldfish—know what they're like, eh?
Driver (placidly). I canna say I do.
[They pass a shooting party with beaters.
[Pg 138]
Chatty P. (as before). What are they going to shoot?
Driver. They'll jist be going up to the hells for a bet grouse drivin'.
A Lady P. I wonder why they carry those poles with the red and yellow flags. I suppose they're to warn tourists to keep out of range when they begin firing at the butts. I know they have butts up on the moor, because I've seen them. Just look at those birds running after that man throwing grain for them. Would those be grouse?
Driver. Ye'll no find grouse so tame as that, mem; they'll jist be phaysants.
The Lady P. Poor dear things! why, they're as tame as chickens. It does seem so cruel to kill them!
Her Comp. Well, but they kill chickens, occasionally.
The Lady P. Not with a horrid gun; and, besides, that's such a totally different thing.
The Chatty P. What do you call that mountain, driver, eh?
Driver. Yon hell? I'm no minding its name.
The Surly P. You don't seem very ready in pointing out the objects of interests on the route, I must say.
Driver (modestly). There'll be them on the corch that know as much aboot it as myself. (After a pause—to vindicate his character as a cicerone.) Did ye nottice a bit building at the end of the loch over yonder?
The Surly P. No, I didn't.
Driver. Ye might ha' seen it, had ye looked.
[He relapses into a contented silence.
[Pg 142]
Chatty P. Anything remarkable about the building?
Driver. It was no the building that's remairkable. (After a severe struggle with his own reticence.) It was jist the spoat. 'Twas there Roderick Dhu fought Fitz-James after convoying him that far on his way.
[The Surly Passenger snorts as though he didn't consider this information.
The Lady P. (who doesn't seem to be up in her "Lady of the Lake"). Fitz-James who?
Her Comp. I fancy he's the man who owns this line of coaches. There's his name on the side of this one.
The Lady P. And I saw Roderick Dhu's on another coach. I thought it sounded familiar, somehow. He must be the rival proprietor, I suppose. I wonder if they've made it up yet.
The Driver (to the Surly Passenger, with another outburst of communicativeness). Yon stoan is called "Sawmson's Putting Stoan." He hurrled it up to the tope of the hell, whaur it's bided ever sence.
[The Surly Passenger receives this information with an incredulous grunt.
[Pg 144]
The Lady P. What a magnificent old ruin that is across the valley, some ancient castle, evidently; they can't build like that nowadays!
The Driver. That's the Collander Hydropawthec, mem; burrnt doon two or three years back.
The Lady P. (with a sense of the irony of events). Burnt down! A Hydropathic! Fancy!
Male P. (as they enter Callander and pass a trim villa). There, that's Mr. Figgis's place.
His Comp. What—that? Why, it's quite a bee-yutiful place, with green venetians, and a conservatory, and a croaky lawn, and everything! Fancy all that belonging to him! It's well to be a grocer—in these parts, seemingly!
Male P. Ah, we ought to come up and start business here; it 'ud be better than being in the Caledonian Road!
[They meditate for the remainder of the journey upon the caprices of Fortune with regard to grocery profits in Caledonia and the Caledonian Road respectively.
[Pg 133]
"MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER"
Mr. Punch is at present in the Highlands "a-chasing the deer."
Mrs. Punch is at home, and has promised all her friends haunches of venison as soon as they arrive!
[Pg 134]
"DESIRABLE"
Saxon Passenger (on Highland coach). "Of course you're well acquainted with the country round about here. Do you know 'Glen Accron'?"
Driver. "Aye, weel."
Saxon Passenger (who had just bought the estate). "What sort of a place is it?"
Driver. "Weel, if ye saw the deil tethered on't, ye'd just say 'Puir brute'!"
[Pg 135]
ISOLATION!—OFF THE ORKNEYS
Southern Tourist. "'Get any newspapers here?"
Orcadian Boatman. "Ou aye, when the steamer comes. If it's fine, she'll come ance a week; but when it's stormy, i' winter, we dinna catch a glint o' her for three months at a time."
S. T. "Then you'll not know what's goin' on in London!"
O. B. "Na—but ye see ye're just as ill aff i' London as we are, for ye dinna ken what's gaun on here!"
[Pg 137]
ON THE MOORS
The Laird's Brother-in-law (from London). "It's very strange, Lachlan! I'm having no luck!—and yet I seem to see two birds in place of one? That was surely very strong whiskey your master gave me at lunch?"
Keeper. "Maybe aye and maybe no—the whuskey was goot; but any way ye dinna manage to hit the richt bird o' the twa!!"
[Pg 139]
A POOR ADVERTISEMENT
Tourist. "I suppose you feel proud to have such a distinguished man staying in your house?"
Host of the "Drumdonnachie Arms." "'Deed no! A body like that does us mair hairm than guid; his appearance is nae credit tae oor commissariat!"
[Pg 140]
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