Mr. Punch Afloat: The Humours of Boating and Sailing, Hammerton and Tenniel [ebook reader .txt] 📗
- Author: Hammerton and Tenniel
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"To this magnificent class I have not much to say. They don't snub their skipper—they are far too fine to do that. They are scarcely distinctive as travellers, for they are the same abroad as at home. In them, England is represented. England floats in a lump through the sea, like Delos used to do. As they say and do just the same as they have always said and done at home—see and mix with the same kind of people—I often wonder what they learn by it. When they go to visit[Pg 124] Thermopyl� or Marathon, it is with a lot of tents, donkeys, camp-stools, travelling-cases, guides, and servants—such as Xerxes might have had. They encumber the ruins of temples with the multitude of their baggage. The position seems so unnatural, that I can't fancy their getting any moral or intellectual profit from it. They are too well off for that—like a fellow who cannot see for fat. Depend on it, you cannot see much through a painted window, however fine it is."
Professor Brick concluded his first sketch amidst much applause.
HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL
Old Lady. "Are you not afraid of getting drown'd when you have the boat so full?"
Boatman. "Oh, dear, no, mum. I always wears a life-belt, so I'm safe enough."
[Pg 121]
STANCH!
Complaisant Uncle (who has remembered his nephew in his will, and is up to his ankles in water). "I say, John, do you know your boat leaks?"
Nephew (high and dry on the thwarts). "Like old boots!"
Uncle. "But I—— What's to be done?"
Nephew. "Wait till she fills, and then put on a spurt for the shore!!"
[Pg 122]
MASTER JOHN BULL IN TROUBLE (1851)
Mr. Punch. "Why, Johnny, what's the matter?"
Johnny. "If you please, sir, there's a nasty ugly American been beating me."
[Pg 123]
SERVING HIM OUT
Mrs. T. (to T.) "Feel a little more comfortable, dear? Can I get anything else for you? Would you like your cigar case now? (Aside.) I'll teach him to go out to Greenwich and Richmond without me, and sit up half the night at his club!"
TO A COUPLE OF THAMES NAIADSRow, ladies, row! It will do you good:
Pleasant the stream under Cliefden Wood:
When our skiff with the river drops down again,
Glad you will be of some iced champagne.
O, a boat on the river is doubly dear
When you've nothing to do but adore and steer.
Row, darlings, row! Whether stroke or bow
Is sweeter to look at, better to row,
Is a question that plagues not me, as I laze,
And on their graceful movement gaze.
'Tis the happiest hour of the sultry year:
The swift oars twinkle; I smoke and steer.[Pg 125]
Row, beauties, row! 'Tis uncommon hot:
I can row stroke, but I'd rather not.
As we meet the sunset's afterglow,
Two absolute angels seem to row;
Wingless they are, so of flight no fear—
Home to dinner I mean to steer.
Father Thames (to Henley Naiads). "Don't be alarmed, my dears. If he comes within our reach, I'll soon settle his business!"
["The G. W. R. Company must have known that their contemplated line from Marlow to Henley would raise a storm of opposition against any interference with the Thames at spots so sacred to all oarsmen."—Vide "A Correspondent" in "Times."
[Pg 126]
ON THE RIVER (Page from the Diary of a Sweet Girl Clubbist)Monday.—Very pleased I have been chosen for the boat. So glad to have been taken before Amy and Blanche. I am sure I shall look better than either of them. They needn't have been so disagreeable about it. Amy asking for her racquet back, and Blanche refusing to lend me her cloak with the feather trimmings. Fanny should make a first-rate stroke, and Kate a model coach.
Tuesday.—We were to have practice to-day, but postponed it to decide on our colours. Blouses are to be left optional, but we are all to wear the same caps. We had a terrible fight over it. Fanny, Rose and I are blonde, so naturally we want light blue. Henrietta is a brunette, and (selfish thing!) stood out for yellow! However, we settled it amicably at last by choosing—as a compromise—pink. Then I made a capital suggestion, which pleased everybody immensely. Instead of caps we are to wear picture-hats.
Wednesday.—Went out in our boat for the first time. Such a fight for places! I managed to secure bow, which is a long way the best seat, as you lead the procession. Everybody sees you first, and it is most important that the crew should create a good impression. Henrietta wanted the position, and said that her brother had told her that the lightest girl should always be bow. I[Pg 130] replied "quite right, and as I had lighter hair than hers, and my eyes were blue and hers brown, of course it should be me." Fanny and Rose agreed with me, and Kate (who was annoyed at not being consulted enough) placed her five. Henrietta was in such a rage!
Thursday.—We are in training! Think it rather nonsense. Why should we give up meringues and sponge-cakes? And as to cigarettes, that isn't really a privation, as none of us really like them. A mile's run isn't bad, but it wears out one's shoes terribly. Kate wanted us all to drink stout, but we refused. We have compromised it by taking fleur d'orange mixed with soda-water instead. The Turkish bath is rather long, but you can read a novel after the douche. Take it altogether, perhaps training is rather fun. Still, I think it, as I have already said, nonsense, especially in regard to sponge-cakes and meringues.
Friday.—Spent the whole of the morning in practising starts. Everybody disagreeable—Kate absolutely rude. Fancy wanting me to put down my parasol! And then Henrietta (spiteful creature!) declaring that I didn't keep my eye[Pg 132] on the steering (we have lost our coxswain—had to pay a visit to some people in the country) because I would look at the people on the banks! And Kate backing her up! I was very angry indeed. So I didn't come to practice in the afternoon, saying I had a bad headache, and went instead to Flora's five o'clock tea.
Saturday.—The day of the race! Everybody in great spirits, and looking their best. Even Henrietta was nice. Our picture-hats were perfectly beautiful. Fanny came out with additional feathers, which wasn't quite fair. But she said, as she was "stroke" she ought to be different from the rest. And as it was too late to have the hat altered we submitted. We started, and got on beautifully. I saw lots of people I knew on the towing-path, and waved to them. And just because I dropped hold of my oar as we got within ten yards of the winning-post they all said it was my fault we lost! Who ever heard the like? The crew are a spiteful set of ugly frumps, and on my solemn word I won't row any more. Yes, it's no use asking me, as I say I won't, and I will stick to it. There!
[Pg 127]
THE HYPNOTIC STEWARD
(Specially engaged for the Cross-Channel Service)
["Dr. Paul Farez asserts that he has found in hypnotism an absolutely infallible remedy for sea-sickness and similar discomforts."—Daily Paper.]
[Pg 128]
YACHTING IN LITTLE
Squeamish accepts Stunsel's invitation for a month's cruise in his 10-ton yawl. He suffers much.
Stunsel. "Come, come, Squeamish, old fellow, cheer up! You'll be all right in a week or so!!"
[Pg 129]
SOLAR STUDIES IN THE HONEYMOON
She (reading a scientific work). "Isn't it wonderful, Charley dear, that the sun is supposed to be millions of miles away!"
Charley Dear (suffering from the heat). "Millions of miles, darling? Good thing for all of us that it isn't any nearer."
[Pg 131]
"'ERE'S YOUR WERRY GOOD 'ELTH, SIR!"
[Pg 133]
"O WOMAN, IN OUR HOURS OF EASE!"
"Poor soul, 'e do look lonely all by 'isself! Ain't you glad you've got us with you, 'Enry?"
[Pg 134]
HERE AND THEREIf you were only here, George,
I think—in fact, I know,
We'd get a girl to steer, George,
And take a boat and row;
And, striking mighty bubbles
From each propulsive blade,
Forget that life had troubles
At ninety in the shade.
We'd swing along together,
And cheerily defy
This toasting, roasting weather,
This sunshine of July.
Our feather might be dirty,
Our style might not be great;
But style for men of thirty
(And more) is out of date.
You'd note with high elation—
I think I see you now—
The beaded perspiration
That gathered on your brow.
Oh, by that brow impearled, George,
And by that zephyr wet,
I vow in all the world, George,
There's nothing like a "sweat".[Pg 136]
To row as if it mattered,
Just think of what it means:
All cares and worries shattered
To silly smithereens.
To row on such a day, George,
And feel the sluggish brain,
Its cobwebs brushed away, George,
Clear for its work again!
But you at Henley linger,
While I am at Bourne-End.
You will not stir a finger
To come and join your friend.
This much at least is clear, George:
We cannot row a pair
So long as I am here, George,
And you remain up there.
"Perils of the Deep."Unprotected Female (awaking old Gent, who is not very well). "Oh, mister, would you find the captain? I'm sure we're in danger! I've been watching the man at the wheel; he keeps turning it round first one way and then the other, and evidently doesn't know his own mind!!"
[Pg 135]
A HONEYMOON OUTING
Ernest (faintly). "Vera, darling, I do believe I'm the worst sailor on earth!"
Vera (ditto). "I wouldn't mind that so much, if I wasn't so bad on the water!"
[Pg 137]
VERY CONSIDERATE
Steward. "Will either of you, gentlemen, dine on board? There's a capital hot dinner at three o'clock."
[Pg 138]
A QUIET DAY ON THE THAMES (Dedicated to the Thames Conservancy)9 a.m.—Got out my boat, and made immediately for the centre of the stream.
10 a.m.—Spent some three-quarters of an hour in attempting to avoid the swell of the City steamboats. Within an ace of being swamped by one of them.
11 a.m.—Run into by a sailing-barge. Only saved by holding on to a rope, and pushing my boat aground.
12 noon.—Aground.
1 p.m.—After getting into deep water again, was immediately run into by a coal-barge. Exchange of compliments with the crew thereof.
2 p.m.—Pursued by swans and other savage birds. Pelted with stones thrown from the shore by ragged urchins out of reach of my vengeance.
3 p.m.—Amongst the fishing-punts. Lively communication of opinions by the angry fishermen. Attempted piracy.
4 p.m.—Busily engaged in extricating my boat from the weeds.
5 p.m.—Disaster caused by a rope coming from the towing-path.
6 p.m.—Lock-keeper not to be found.
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