Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour, J. A. Hammerton [detective books to read .txt] 📗
- Author: J. A. Hammerton
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(Tom exhibiting a tern which he has shot). I say, 'Arry, wot bird 's this 'ere?
'Arry. A auk, I should say.
Tom. What yer calls a sparrerawk?
'Arry. No. Hay, u, k, auk, without the sparrer.
A COCKNEY'S EPITAPHThink! "From the cradle to the grave!" my brother,
A nurse takes you from one, an 'earse to t'other.
A Vulgar Error.—Misplacing the haspirate.
A Chevalieresque Conundrum.—Coster Bill (to 'Arriet). I si! When is your young man like a fish out of water?
'Arriet. Oh, g'long! Give't up.
Coster Bill. Why, when 'es a witin' round the corner.
[Short encounter, and exeunt severally.
[Pg 163]
A Capital Answer.
"Self-made" Man (examining school, of which he is a manager). "Now, boy, what's the capital of 'Olland?"
Boy. "An 'H,' sir."
[Pg 164]
DISCOVERED IN DRURY LANE (Near the new Baker Street Lodging House established by the County Council.)I 'old it true wote'er befall,
I feel it when things go most cross,
Better do a fi'penny doss,
Than never do a doss at all!
University Sympathy.First Errand Boy (after the University Boat Race). Wot 'ave yer got a light blue ribbon in yer button 'ole for, Tommy?
Second E. B. (promptly). 'Cos our 'ouse allus sells Cambridge sausages!
A Matter of Taste.Vulgar Parvenu (who is watching the interior decorations of his house). "Don't you think that tapestry 'eats the rooms?"
Artistic Decorator. "Very possibly, sir; you see, it's Goblin (Gobelin)."
[Pg 165]
The Irrepressible.
Street Boy (to cabby, in a block). "Look 'ere, are you a goin' on wi' this four wheeler?—'r else me an' my friend 'll get down an' walk!"
[Retires hastily.
[Pg 166]
Audacious 'Arryism.—Our friend 'Arry objects to the title of a recently published novel, "Airy Fairy Lilian." He says that he can't imagine a fairy all over 'air, though he might an 'obgoblin.
THE BAGMAN'S BAGHark how the cockney sportsman drops
His aitches o'er the glades and glens,
But, at hen pheasents though he pops,
Your 'Arry never drops his n's.
A Pair of "Nippers."—A coster's twins.
Cockney Classics.
"Jack," said Robins, "which varsity would you rayther go to, Hoxford or 'Idleberg?"
"Hoxford, Jemmy, to be sure, you muff," answered Robbins. "'Cos vy, I prefers hindustry to hidleness."
[Pg 167]
A Bank Holiday Reminiscence.
'Arry. "Ow much an hour, guv'nor?"
Horsekeeper. "Eighteenpence."
'Arry. "All right. I'll have a ride."
Horsekeeper. "Well, you've got to leave 'arf a crown on the 'orse?"
[Pg 168]
POOR LETTER "H"
"Have you got any whole strawberry jam?"
"No, miss. All ours is quite new!"
[Pg 169]
SONGS OF THE SUMMER
"The weather seems to be improving, Nupkins!"
"Yes, miss; the nightingale and the cuckoo is a-'ollerin', every night!"
[Pg 170]
'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACKOur 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will,
"The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill";
And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare,
The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air!
Cockney Epitaph for a Cook.—"Peace to his hashes."
"A Horse," observed a Scotch vet., "may have a very good appetite, and yet be unable to eat a bit."
"Ah," said 'Arry, "there's the difference between a 'oss and a ostridge, which could eat bit, snaffle, curb and all."
Le Sport.A Cockney sportsman, wishing to introduce hare-hunting into France, is seriously meditating a work on the subject, to be entitled, Arrière-pensées; or, Thoughts on Keeping 'Ariers. His nom de plume will be Le petit Jean du Jockey Club.
[Pg 171]
'Arriet (as a bee alights on her hand). "My word, 'Arry, wot a pretty fly!"
(Sting.)
"Crikey! ain't 'is feet 'ot!"
[Pg 172]
"'Ullo, Jim, look 'ere! 'Ere's a noo stachoo! Lend us yer knife!"
[Pg 173]
Jinks. "I want to buy a dog. I don't know what they call the breed, but it is something the shape of a greyhound, with a short curly tail and rough hair. Do you keep dogs like that?"
Fancier. "No. I drowns 'em!"
[Pg 174]
Cockney Philosophy.The Socratic mode of argument is the only true mode of chopping logic, because it proceeds altogether on the principle of axing questions.
'Arry puts 'em right.The Daily Chronicle—recently suggested that the plural of rhinoceros is a disputed point. 'Arry writes: "What O, Mr. P., 'disputed'?—not a bit. Any kiddy as 'as 'ad 'arf an eddication knows what the plural of ''oss' is, don't he? No matter as to its bein' spelt ''os' or ''oss.' Plural, anyway ''osses.' 'Bus-'os'—'Bus-'osses.' 'Rhinocer-os'—'Rhinocer-osses.' That's as plain as an 'aystack, ain't it?
"Yours,
'Arry."
Definition for a Diner-out.—An unlicensed wittler, quoth our worthy 'ost.—'Arry.
[Pg 175]
FERVOUR IN THE FOG
Unpromising Individual (suddenly—his voice vibrating with passion).
"She's moy unney;
Oim 'er joy!"
[Pg 176]
"Ah!" exclaimed, enthusiastically, a hairdresser's assistant who had been out for a holiday. "'Ind 'Ead, in Surrey! That's the place for hair!"
The Real London Pride.—We know an inveterate Cockney who declares that London milk beats the country milk, and beats it "by many chalks."
Good Paper for Deaf Cockneys.—The 'Earer.
The Musical Coster Craze.—Customer. Have you a copy of Costa's Eli?
Shopman. No, sir; we have none of Chevalier's songs.
[Pg 177]
"I say, 'Arry, don't we look frights!"
[Pg 178]
"I say, Bill, oo was this 'ere Nelson as everybody wos a talkin' about?" "Why, 'e was the chap as turned the French out of Trafalgar Square!"
[Pg 179]
"Bill, can you lend me twopence?"
"Wot a silly question to arst! Why, if I 'ad twopence, wot 'ud I be doin' standin' outside a public 'ouse?"
[Pg 180]
A SONG OF SPRING By a Cockney Poet.All hail, thou jocund time of year,
To Cockneys and cock-robins dear!
All hail, thou flowery, showery season,
When throstles, mating, perch the trees on:
When sparrows on the house-tops sit,
And court their loves with cheery twit:
While opera songsters tune their throats,
Exchanging for our gold their notes!
Now Nature her new dress receives,
And dinner-tables spread their leaves;
Asparagus again one sees,
And early ducklings, served with peas;
Again the crisp whitebait we crunch,
And chops of lambkin blithely munch;
Salmon again our shops afford,
And plovers' eggs adorn the board;
While for one day at least our sons
May stuff themselves with hot cross buns!
See now the swells begin to show
Their horsemanship in Rotten Row:
See now the Drive is thronged once more,
And idlers lounge there as of yore:
See now fair April fills Mayfair,
And gives new life to Grosvenor Square.
See now what crowds flock to the Zoo,
Where Master Hippo is on view
See daffodils, and daisies pied
In bloom, and buttercups beside:
See now the thorn, and e'en the rose
Signs of returning Spring disclose:
See now the lilac large in bud;
While costermongers, splashed with mud,
The product of the passing showers,
Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!"
Or wake the echoes of the groves[A]
With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"
[A] Westbourne Grove, Lisson Grove, Camden Grove, &c.
[Pg 181]
'Appy 'Arry—
"With my new panama-a-ar
And tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."
[Pg 182]
ENCOURAGING, VERY!
Cockney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous—after a long silence). "If you should see a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly—DO SO!!"
[Collapse of expectant student.
[Pg 183]
Standing no Nonsense.
'Arry. "Phew!"—(the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith)—"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."
Waiter. "Yessir—dry, sir?"
'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once). "Never you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!—bring the wine!"
[Pg 184]
Sheredity.
Lady. "You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait at table!"
Mother (proudly). "Well 'm, she ought to be, seein' as 'ow 'er father 'as been a plate layer for five-and-twenty year!"
[Pg 185]
Lady (referring to programme, to friend). "'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"
'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information). "Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"
[Pg 186]
The Sale of Intoxicants to Children Bill.
"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"
[Pg 187]
Discouraging.
Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion). "Can you tell me if this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"
Suspicious-looking Party. "Yus."
Nervous P. "Er—rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"
Suspicious-looking P. "Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."
[Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction.
[Pg 188]
The Festive Season.
First Burglar. "'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'! Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"
[Pg 189]
Temperance Orator. "Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!" A Voice. "Ye're right, ole man, they are!"
[Pg 190]
Cockney Hobservation.Cockneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate the "h's." It is done by common people in the provinces, and you may laugh at them for it. The deduction therefore is, that a peasant, with an "h," is fair game.
New Cockney Saint.—Mrs. Malaprop declares that if she lives to be a hundred—and all her family detain a venerated age—she will certainly have a Saint 'Enery.
Riddle by 'Arry.—"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?—Why, 'Miss is 'ippy,' o' course."
[Pg 191]
EASTER MONDAY
'Arry. "Do you pass any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"
Cabby. "Yes. Lots."
'Arry. "Well, don't!"
[Pg 192]
"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped this?"
THE ENDBRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE
End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mr. Punch's Cockney Humour, by Various
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