Puffy and his gal.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Mr. Vernon, take her, she’s yours, though Heaven knows what I shall do without her.
Mrs. Mountchessington
Rising. Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you’ll never know what it is to be a mother.
Comes down, L. C. Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here.
They come down each side of her. You’ll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you.
Aside to them. Oh, you couple of fools.
Bumps their foreheads.
Lord Dundreary has business with
Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L.
Capt. De Boots
To Lord Dundreary. Why, Fred, we’re all getting married!
Lord Dundreary
Yes, it’s catching, like the cholera.
Mr. Binny
I ’ope, Sir Edward, there’s no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter.
Sir Edward Trenchard
Certainly not, Mr. Binny.
Mr. Buddicombe
To Lord Dundreary. And Skillet and I have made so bold, My lord—
Lord Dundreary
Yes, you generally do make bold—but bless you, my children—bless you.
Asa Trenchard
Say, you, lord, buttons, I say, whiskers.
Lord Dundreary
Illustrious exile?
Comes down.
Asa Trenchard
They’re a nice color, ain’t they?
Lord Dundreary
Yes, they’re all wight now.
Asa Trenchard
All wight? no, they’re all black.
Lord Dundreary
When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Trenchard
Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Lord Dundreary
No, you needn’t tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Lord Dundreary
Aside. That man is a damned rattlesnake.
Goes up, sits in
Georgina’s lap—turns to apologize, sits in
Augusta’s lap—same business with
Mrs. Mountchessington, then goes back to
Georgina.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Georgina.
She comes down. How’s your appetite? Shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Georgina
Please don’t, Mr. Trenchard, I’m so delicate.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Georgina
Oh, thank you.
Backs upstage and sits in
Lord Dundreary’s lap, who has taken her seat.
Asa Trenchard
Miss Gusty.
Augusta comes down. Got your boots, hain’t you?
Augusta
Yes, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
How do they fit you? Say, shall I tell that fellow you were after me first?
Augusta
Extravagantly. Not for the world, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Mimicing. Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Asa Trenchard
To Mrs. Mountchessington. Mrs. Mountchestnut.
Lord Dundreary
Coming down. Sir, I haven’t a chestnut to offer you, but if you’d like some of your native food, I’ll order you a doughnut?
Asa Trenchard
I dough not see it.
Lord Dundreary
Laughs. That’s good.
Asa Trenchard
Yes, very good.
Lord Dundreary
For you.
Asa Trenchard
Oh, you get out, I mean the old lady.
Lord Dundreary
Mrs. Mountchessington, this illustrious exile wishes to see you.
Mrs. Mountchessington comes down.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, old woman?
Mrs. Mountchessington
Old woman, sir?
Asa Trenchard
Got two of them gals off your hands, haven’t you?
Mrs. Mountchessington
I’m proud to say, I have.
Asa Trenchard
Shall I tell them fellows you tried to stick them on me first?
Mrs. Mountchessington
You’ll please not mention the subject.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Backs up;—curtseying;—knocks back against Lord Dundreary, who is stooping to pick up a handkerchief. They turn and bunk foreheads. Say, Mr. Puffy.
Mr. Binny comes down. Shall I tell Sir Edward about your getting drunk in the wine cellar?
Mr. Binny
You need not—not if you don’t like unto.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I won’t, if you don’t want me to.
Mr. Binny
Remember the hold hadage. “A still tongue shows a wise ’ead.”
Asa Trenchard
X Q’s me.
Mr. Binny
O, I, C.
Goes up.
Florence Trenchard
Comes down, L. Well cousin, what have you to say to us?
Mary comes down R. of Asa Trenchard.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I ain’t got no ring, to put in your noses, but I’s got one to put on your finger.
To Mary. And I guess the sailor man has one to put on yours, and I guess you two are as happy as clams at high water.
Florence Trenchard
I am sure you must be very happy.
Asa Trenchard
Wal, I am not so sure about my happiness.
Florence Trenchard
Why, you ungrateful fellow. What do want to complete it?
Asa Trenchard
To Audience. My happiness depends on you.
Florence Trenchard
And I am sure you will not regret your kindness shown to
Our American Cousin. But don’t go yet, pray—for Lord Dundreary has a word to say.
Calls Lord Dundreary.
Lord Dundreary
Sneezes. That’s the idea.
Curtain.
Colophon
Our American Cousin
was published in 1869 by
Tom Taylor.
This ebook was produced for
Standard Ebooks
by
B. Timothy Keith,
and is based on a transcription produced in 2002 by
The Levin family and David Widger
for
Project Gutenberg
and on digital scans available at the
Internet Archive.
The cover page is adapted from
Self-Portrait with Flowered Wallpaper,
a painting completed between 1848–1850 by
Richard Caton Woodville.
The cover and title pages feature the
League Spartan and Sorts Mill Goudy
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