Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

Stepping Stones to Health

Body Image

-Try to identify where you are in the stepping-stonesto health, and the next step or steps you need to take.

_____ 1. I hate my body, and I blame it for theabuse.

_____ 2. I wish that I had not been attractive, andsometimes I think my body is the reason I was sexually abused.

_____ 3. I do not treat my body well.

_____ 4. I am uncomfortable with my body, and Isometimes feel ashamed of it.

_____ 5. I am beginning to realize that it wasn’t mybody’s fault that I was sexually abused.

_____ 6. I am beginning to look at my body in adifferent way. Either that my beauty is a good thing, or that mybody is more beautiful than I realized.

_____ 7. I want my body to be healthy, because I wantto look and feel good.

_____ 8. I am beginning to feel more comfortable withmy body, and am beginning to treat my body well by eating right andexercising.

_____ 9. I realize that my body has served me well,and I will do everything I can to take good care of it.

Chapter 11 –Beyond Shame and Guilt

“My abusers worked very hard to convince methat the abuse was my fault.”

-Jason Goodwin

Survivors of sexual abuse often experiencedeep feelings of shame and guilt. We berate ourselves for whathappened or blame ourselves for the abuse. Why would we takeresponsibility for something we did not want and could not control?Why would we blame ourselves for another person’s actions?

It’s easy to understand why perpetrators ofsexual abuse feel guilty or ashamed. They willfully violatedanother human being. They went against the morals and standardsthat most of us hold dear. They placed themselves and their ownselfish needs above all other considerations. Certainly, theiractions caused lifelong suffering for the ones they abused. Theirshame and guilt are logical.

But why would we blame ourselves? I believeit is because we suffer from low self-esteem. Some of us may havefelt good about ourselves before we were abused. But over time, ourself-esteem was transformed into self-loathing.

People with low self-esteem blame themselvesfor whatever bad things happen in their lives. When good thingshappen to them, they give credit to someone else or tocircumstances beyond their control. People with low self-esteemtake all of the blame but none of the credit.

When we truly believe in our self-worth, wedo not blame ourselves for the behavior of others. Instead, weallow them to take responsibility for their own actions. In thisway, a person with high self-esteem sees the world more clearlythan a person with low self-esteem.

A person with high self-esteem might say, “Iwas sexually abused as a child because my father was an alcoholic.He was very cruel. There was nothing I could do to prevent hisabuse. I am a good person, despite what he did to me.”

This person sees her abuse in a clear way.She assigns blame where it is due, and understands that beingsexually abused cannot affect her basic worth as a person.

In contrast, a person with low self-esteemmight say, “I was sexually abused as a child because I wasn’t goodenough. If only I had been a better son, maybe my mother wouldn’thave raped me. I’m a worthless piece of garbage.”

This second person sees his abuse in atwisted, emotional way. He unfairly assumes responsibility for theactions of his abuser.

One of the paradoxes of sexual abuse is thatwe need healthy self-esteem in order to heal. Yet the longer andmore severely we are abused, the lower our self-esteem can fall. Asa result, those of us who were sexually abused the worst may havethe hardest time developing enough self-esteem to overcome the painof our past.

Some of us were hurt so badly that we losttouch with reality. We stopped seeing ourselves or our livesobjectively and began to substitute “emotional reasoning.” Some ofthe thinking errors that result from emotional reasoning includethe following:

1. “I feel bad, therefore I am bad.”

2. “I was sexually abused, therefore Ideserve to be sexually abused.”

3. “I was not loved by my abuser, therefore Ido not deserve to be loved by anyone.”

4. “I was treated like a bad person,therefore I am a bad person.”

5. “I was told that the abuse was my fault,therefore the abuse was my fault.”

6. “I had bad relationships in the past, so Iwill have bad relationships in the future.”

7. “I was emotionally abused, therefore Ideserve to be emotionally abused.”

8. “I was hurt, therefore I deserve to behurt.”

Emotional reasoning is circular logic; itmakes no sense. As human beings, we try to define truth by learningfrom our experiences. We observe what happens to us and arrive atcertain conclusions. Sometimes those conclusions are correct, andother times they are completely wrong.

“I grew up in a poor family, so I’m a loser.I was sexually abused as a child, so all I’m good for is sex. Myparents never loved me, so I am unlovable. I never had a good life,so I will always be miserable.”

Beliefs like this are the product of pastexperience. They are the result of associations and perceivedconnections. Some of us can think all day long without engaging ina single, logical, rational thought.

We do not always see our past, present, orfuture clearly. Instead, we remember the trauma and react withemotion. When we are extremely emotional, our thoughts may begin toserve our emotions.

If our emotion is depression, we imagine allthe reasons we should feel depressed. If our emotion is fear, wedwell on whatever things may go wrong in our lives. If our emotionis shame, we try to come up with logical explanations for why weshould feel ashamed. If our emotion is guilt, we invent reasons toblame ourselves for the abuse.

Low self-esteem and emotional reasoningreinforce one another. It’s important to remember that ourobservations can often lead to the wrong conclusions.

Yes, we were sexually abused. No, we don’tdeserve to be abused. No one deserves to be sexually abused.

Yes, we were not loved by our abusers, but westill deserve love. For goodness sake, everyone deserves love!

We were told that the abuse was our fault,but the only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser.

We were treated as if we