Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

breasts and hips. They act and dress in ways that make themlook younger. But healthy, adult men are attracted to full-figured,adult women.

Blaming our body for the abuse is illogical.It isn’t only pretty little girls or handsome little boys that arevictimized by sexual predators. Handicapped people and the elderlyare often taken advantage of sexually.

How is this possible? Why would a sexualpredator want to abuse someone who wasn’t young and attractive?Because sexual abuse isn’t just about sex. It is also about power.The sexual abuse we experienced may have had very little to do withour bodies or our appearance.

Some of us blame our bodies because we aretoo afraid to blame the abuser. If our abuser was a family member,it may have felt easier or more comfortable to blame ourselves.Sexual abuse can destroy a family. When it is discovered that onemember of the family is molesting another, that family is oftenripped apart. For this reason, children often feel a great deal ofpressure to keep quiet and keep the secret.

We must realize that there is no cause andeffect relationship between who we were and what happened to us. Ifwe had been pretty little girls with fathers who respected women,we would not have been sexually abused. If we had flirted with aboyfriend who was a gentleman, we would not have been raped. If ourmother had been worthy of our trust, she would not have molestedus.

Release your blame, your shame, and yourguilt. There is nothing you could have done to deserve the abuse.Your abuser is responsible for his or her actions, not you.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse stop seeingthemselves as attractive. At one end of the spectrum, we overeat orbecome obese in an effort to make ourselves unappealing to theopposite sex. This may be an attempt, either consciously orsubconsciously, to prevent further abuse. We may think toourselves, “If I’m not attractive, no one will want to rape ormolest me.”

Of course, overeating is a self-destructivepattern that can turn into an addiction. It can become a compulsivemeans of avoiding what we fear. Like all other addictions, it isunhealthy. Overeating can lead to obesity, heart disease, diabetes,and early death.

Some of us overeat in an effort to createbodily defenses against further abuse. Hiding behind layers of fatcan feel like wearing a suit of armor. Yet in truth, safety andsecurity are a state of mind, not a state of body. We deserve to behealthy, not obese.

If we wish to defend ourselves againstfurther abuse, it is much healthier to study martial arts orpractice self-defense. These approaches empower us to protectourselves in proactive ways. They can help us get in better shapephysically, mentally, and emotionally. As we practice self-defense,we gain confidence, begin to feel greater control over our bodies,and become more capable of defending ourselves against any furtherattempt to abuse us. I find that practicing martial arts helps merelease the ongoing anger and frustration I feel as a survivor ofsexual abuse. It helps me to feel more stable and sane on a dailybasis.

On the opposite end of the spectrum arepeople who eat very little or vomit their food in an attempt tostay thin or attractive. Some survivors of sexual abuse onlyreceived love and attention when their abuser wanted sex. They cameto believe that the only way to get love and attention from otherswas to be sexually attractive. These survivors often have sex tooquickly in a relationship for fear that their partner will rejectthem.

Again, this is an attempt to avoid what wefear. Obsessive dieting, under-eating, or intentional vomiting areall highly self-destructive behaviors that lead to premature death.There is help for people with eating disorders, and therapists whospecialize in their treatment. You deserve to be healthy, notvomiting your food or starving your body.

Becoming obsessed with physical beauty oftencomes from a desire to gain greater power and self-esteem. Whenpeople notice how we look or are clearly attracted to us, it canmake us feel better about ourselves. We may feel powerful and incontrol.

But ultimately, striving for physical beautyis not a way to heal the pain of sexual abuse. It is a poorsolution at best and can become self-destructive at worst. Plasticsurgery, breast-enhancements, collagen lip-injections, orunnecessary liposuctions to reduce weight in all but severe casesof obesity are extreme measures. Undergoing a procedure of thistype is often a sign of low self-esteem, not a cure for it.

Self-esteem comes from feeling good about thereal you. There are many, healthy ways to improve the way we lookand feel. Obsessing about physical beauty is not the answer.

The most important thing to remember is thatour body is not the problem. There are many body types that arebeautiful. In fact, the very concept of beauty is different inevery culture.

We may have blamed our bodies for whathappened to us. We may have hated our sexual organs for betrayingus. We may have felt shame or guilt for having experienced pleasureduring the abuse. We may hate our body for having respondedsexually to an abuser.

But in truth, our bodies did everything theywere designed to do. Our bodies deserve no blame. We are beautifulmen and women who have no need to feel ashamed. Our bodies deserveto be treated well, respected, fed healthy food, and given regularexercise.

Forgive your body. Love your body. Treat yourbody well.

Exercise10-1

Body Image Exercise

-Answer the following questions on a separatepiece of paper.

1. What are 10 good things your body does foryou?

2. How do you show your body that you aregrateful for what it does?

3. If your body could talk, what would itsay?

4. What does your body want?

5. How does your body feel?

6. How can you provide your body with what itneeds and what it wants?

7. In what ways is your body uniquelybeautiful?

Process Questions

How did the sexual abuse affect my bodyimage?

What feelings come up for me when I thinkabout my body? (Pride, shame, guilt, mixed-emotions, etc…)

In what ways have I blamed my body for theabuse?

How can I see my body in a more positiveway?

How can I start to treat my body with loveand respect?