Googol Boy and the peculiar incident of the Great Quiz Trophy, John Michael [white hot kiss txt] 📗

bite out of the shish kebab. “Mmm... that’s some darn good crapaudine!”

Barney nodded in agreement, he tried to talk but because his mouth was full of food, it sounded like he was gargling marbles. There was some irony in watching Barney eating brabbensack while eating like a brabbensack. These beasts were notorious for their messy eating habits. When munching on one of their favourite foods, watermelon, a brabbensack would stick its entire head inside and get the seeds into its nostrils and ears and its fur would be stained with melon juice and matted like a shag rug. I looked up at Barney and could see the similarities, he already had bits of food all over his face and sauce stains on his t-shirt.

While I did enjoy watching Barney eat (let’s face it, it was like getting a free ticket to some circus side-show), the downside of eating with him was that there was hardly any coherent conversation as his mouth was always full of food. To alleviate some of the boredom, my brain would go into overdrive and provide whimsical commentary as Barney wrestled with his chow. I call this particular piece, An Ode to Barney:

Behold my famished Barney — what a sight!

Like Gnawbacca you chew through all the 

chow,

If you could, you would eat all day and 

night:

You could eat a horse (and even a cow).

Like Yogi, you are hungry as a bear, 

Dreaming of brabbensack treats without 

end,

While getting food on your face and in 

your hair:

No fork, spoon or napkins for you my friend.

Should I compare you to a starving beast?

You are more ravenous than a hippo!

Only thinking about your next great feast, 

Hoping more banquets await tomorrow!

You eat like a brabbensack and smell like 

one too,

Where would I find a hungrier friend 

than you?

I snapped out of my musings and noticed that while I had my head in the clouds, Barney had devoured almost all of his food and, by the looks of it, he had even polished off my brabbensack pretzel. Bummer!

I, on the other hand, was just about to finish the last bite of my shish kebab. The empty containers were strewn across the grass and Barney was holding the last remaining edible item, the brabbensack popsicle, firmly in his greasy hand.

“Should we go to the hammer game now Howie? What do you reckon?” asked Barney, somewhat sheepishly.

“Of course we’ll have a go at the hammer game... you big lug.”

Barney leapt off the grass and started to shuffle from foot to foot with a beaming smile on his face. I hadn’t seen Barney this happy since that time he found seven chicken nuggets in a six pack.

“Well, finish off your popsicle and then let’s clean up these food containers.”

I also noticed that Barney needed a bit of a clean himself and I was going to discreetly hand him a napkin or two. Sometimes I felt more like a pampering mother than a best friend when it came to Barney.

However, he didn’t take as long with the popsicle as I had anticipated, and what I mean by that remark is that I had ‘anticipated’ him to actually chew the popsicle or, at least, to lick it. I guess the allure of the hammer game was too much for him. He propped his face upwards and manoeuvred the entire dessert down his throat, like one of those performers who do the sword swallowing acts... although Barney was by no means as graceful.

Unfortunately, this sight was also on offer to a certain somebody who, at that very instant, appeared from around the corner. It was none other than Savani Godfrey! To make matters worse, she had her gang of debaters behind her.

It all seemed like some absurd theatre performance. There was Barney, covered with multi-coloured stains and bits of food, wrestling with an oversized popsicle like a snake with its unhinged jaw trying to stuff down a hapless hamster. I have to admit, it wasn’t a pretty picture − I had been too late with the napkins. Savani wasn’t going to let this go.

“Oh my God... look at this! It’s Gnawbacca and it looks like he’s eaten a horse and had a food fight with a bear!”

I couldn’t believe that Savani had rehashed my previous thoughts about Barney − I guess she was just stating the obvious but I still had to defend his honour.

“Okay Savani, no one insults Barney like that. That’s uncalled for and I don’t think -”

“You!” she shrieked. “Did you really think that you could hide from me Sootfell?”

“Hide? What are you talking about?”

“False face must hide what the false heart doth know!” answered Savani.

Barney turned to me. “False Face?” he whispered. “Isn’t he a Batman villain?”

I was caught between Savani and Barney and it seemed that they were both talking gobbledygook.

“Yes Savani, we spread out these food cartons here in the open so that you couldn’t possibly find us and Barney put on some dippingsauce war-paint so that he could camouflage himself,” I replied sarcastically.

“Well I do hope that you clean that mess up... you know that there are big fines for being a litter bug!” she answered in a serious tone.

Barney and I looked at each other, not sure if we were being mocked or not.

“Anyway, I hardly think that I came here to instruct you how to clean up your rubbish! I’m sure that your mother has to tend with that problem often enough when it comes to your bedroom!”

Her mob of debating thugs giggled in unison.

I thought that comment was a low blow. Everyone knew that the actual cleaning of one’s room wasn’t as simple as it sounded − it took 50% complaining, 30% excuses, 15% procrastination, and 5% effort... just ask any parent.

“The reason that I needed to find you Sootfell was to provide you with a formal notification regarding my partner for the Great Quiz challenge,” declared Savani. “I wanted to strictly follow the Queensbury rules, so that you couldn’t use any loophole to evade your