Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life, Jason Goodwin [ink book reader .txt] 📗

of losingcontrol. I’m afraid I will lose control over the fear and the paininside of me. The fear of sexual abuse. The pain of betrayal. God,I feel so betrayed.

When I allow myself to shake and release myfear, I begin to feel less afraid with time. I deserve to be loved,not betrayed!

I need to remember that my fear is temporary.My depression, which often results from fear and negative thinking,is also temporary. It will pass.

Fear is not unlimited. The more I release,the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Fear of Fear

I am shaking with fear and flashing back tothe abuse. Why am I so afraid?

I’m afraid of my fear because:

1. This fear causes me to go deeply intodepression. Sometimes I don’t believe I can complete my dailyroutine, because all of my thoughts have turned negative.

2. I don’t want to get hysterical or have anervous breakdown.

3. I’m afraid of losing my job if I breakdown or get overly emotional at work.

4. My fear makes me feel like I’m losingcontrol.

5. I’m afraid that my fear will overwhelmme.

6. Sometimes my fear makes me feel like I’mgoing crazy.

7. This fear challenges my self-esteem.

The outcome of my life is in God’s hands. Ineed to let go of control. I’ve been afraid that my fear would killme.

(Wise, inner voice): Okay, an honestquestion. Will your fear kill you?

No. Fear alone cannot kill me. It cannotdestroy me. What is the worst that could happen? I could have anervous breakdown and spend a couple of weeks in the “funny farm.”And would that really be so bad?

Fear is temporary. My depression, which isoften the result of my fear and negative thinking, is alsotemporary. It will pass.

Fear is not unlimited. The more I release,the less I have. I need to keep releasing my fear.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Releasing Control andUnderstanding Depression

It’s time for me to realize that I can’tcontrol my fear. I can’t stop it, I can’t avoid it, I can’t preventit, and I can’t make it better. I can’t keep it from affecting me.All I can do is try to work through it.

(Wise, inner voice): Have courage. Your fearcannot destroy you. You are an eternal child of God.

Fear leads to depression and low self-esteem.When I feel depressed, I start thinking negatively about work,life, my future, and my value as a person.

Negative thoughts about myself lead to lowself-esteem. They cause me to abuse myself, criticize myself, orfeel ashamed.

Much of my depression and low self-esteem isthe result of my fear. My head is full of garbage and it’s time totake out the trash.

Exercise 19-1

Facing Your Fears

-Ask yourself the following questions aboutyour biggest fears. In order to face our fears, we must firstunderstand what it is that we are afraid of. Write down the answersto each of the following questions on a separate sheet ofpaper:

1. What is it I’m afraid of?

2. What are the reasons I’m afraid of thisthing?

3. What might happen if this thing cametrue?

4. What is the worst that could happen ifthis thing came true?

5. Is it likely that this thing will cometrue?

6. If this thing came true, would it lead tomy death?

7. If this thing came true, could Irecover?

8. Is this a healthy or unhealthy fear? Doesthis fear keep me safe from harm, or is it illogical?

9. Does this fear make my life better orworse?

10. Could I try to prevent this thing fromhappening? What could I do?

11. Is this fear something I need to let goof?

12. If I need to let go of this fear, whatmight help me to let go of it?

13. Who could I talk to about this fear?

14. Can I reassure myself that it will beOK?

15. Can I pray about this fear or turn itover to God?

Chapter 20 –Control

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is wonby those who let it go.

But when you try and try, the world is beyond thewinning.”

-Lao Tzu

Sometimes our lives feel like a battle-zone.We’re angry, we’re nervous, and we’re not happy with anything.We’re smoking too many cigarettes or drinking too much coffee.We’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work.

We can’t satisfy this hunger, because what wewant is intangible. What we’re looking for is control.

Unlike power, control is specific. We wantcontrol over a particular situation in our lives. We wish we couldjust press a button and get instant results. We want to be theWizard of Oz, sitting behind the curtain and throwing the switchesthat make everything happen.

Why do we get so angry and depressed when wefeel like we’re not in control of our lives? Why does sexual abuseso often lead to control issues?

Most of us wish we could have done somethingto stop the abuse or prevent it from happening. I believe that theroot of our need for control lies within our desire to feel safeand secure. We fear what will happen if we lose control.

Most of us try to avoid losing controlbecause we don’t want to feel powerless. We are disgusted with ourchildhood, and upset that we couldn’t do anything to stop theabuse. We hate feeling dependent on others, because feeling needyas children made us more vulnerable to the abuse. At some point, westopped asking for help.

When we are floating in a sea of pain, grief,and despair, it can take all of our strength just to keep fromdrowning. At times like this, we may be tempted to turn to ouraddictions and other compulsive behaviors.

Most of us try to avoid anything that isnegative, scary, or disappointing. We don’t really want the ups anddowns of life. We only want the ups.

The problem is that the harder we run fromour fears, the more they seem to catch up with us. The harder wetry to silence them, the more they cry out to be heard. Avoidanceis not a good strategy for life. Running away from life’schallenges can actually keep us from ever gaining true wisdom andhappiness.

Some of the most powerful lessons in lifeinvolve facing our fear and our pain. Moving through grief returnsus to joy. Resolving issues of sexual abuse