The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance, Giulia Lagomarsino [acx book reading .txt] 📗

5. Did I mention Michael Bublé? Don’t forget this step.

The outrageous proposal:

None of us have actually done this before. I’m guessing this would be for the baseball fans or something like that. Put it up on the jumbotron and ask her to marry you. If she’s a baseball fan, she’ll think it’s romantic as hell. A few tips though…

1. Make sure you’re not eating food when the jumbotron shows you on the screen. First, you can’t propose with a mouth full of food. Second, you’re bound to spill ketchup all over yourself and look like a slob.

2. Make sure she’s in her seat. If that camera lands on you and she’s not in her seat, you’re gonna do something stupid, like propose to the nearest woman just so you don’t look like an idiot. This can only end badly. Maybe she has a husband. Maybe your woman walks back right as you’re proposing. Maybe she says yes. Maybe she’s a he…I’m just saying, watch it.

3. Be absolutely sure that your woman is ready for this step. The last thing you want is for her to sit there and chuckle nervously, or worse, laugh out loud at you in front of the entire stadium. This is why you don’t do these types of proposals.

Now, a few things to remember once you realize that you want to marry your woman.

1. You’re gonna start acting weird. You have this newfound knowledge, and it’s hard to keep it wrapped up inside. Make sure that the moment the realization strikes, you’re forming a plan to make it happen. The less time between the realization and the proposal, the less chance there is you’ll fuck it up.

2. Your friends are going to give you advice. Don’t listen to them. They’ll tell you how they would do it, but in the end, this has to be what you want to do.

3. Buy a fucking ring. I can’t stress this enough. What if the opportunity to propose presents itself and you don’t have a fucking ring? You’ll look like an unprepared idiot if you propose without one.

4. Every move you make after you realize you want to marry her has to be strategically planned. You can’t be too happy, but you can’t act all melancholy and shit. You can’t tip her off that something’s going on with you. Refer back to the first tip. Make a plan and execute. Rip off the bandaid. Pull the trigger. You get the idea.

The Wedding

How To Ensure Your Woman Is Happy On Her Wedding Day

Look, women are a minefield, and every move you make could end in your death. This is especially true around her wedding day. Don’t do anything to piss her off. If she’s stressed, try and calm her down. Do NOT actually tell her to calm down.

Here’s how to ensure your wedding day goes off without a hitch:

1. If she doesn’t like attention, fly to Vegas and go the easy route. Stress-free is always a good thing.

2. Make sure she remembers her wedding day. Now, I’m sure some of you think this shouldn’t be a necessary reminder, but not every bride is excited about getting married.

3. Give her a few grenades to throw if it’ll keep her calm. Gunfire can be very cathartic also.

4. Give her a themed wedding or plan for something exciting to happen. Now, I’m not saying that superheroes are every woman’s fantasy, but if done right, she’ll have the wedding of her dreams. If a gang shows up, you’ll have a fight on your hands, which can also turn out well.

5. So many things can go wrong on a wedding day. Keep things like fake eyebrows handy in case of any accidental eyebrow waxing. If those eyebrows move, do your best to discreetly put them back in place and glare at anyone that may laugh. She won’t know they’re messed up until the pictures arrive.

6. A quick wedding in your living room after you find out that she’s pregnant can be a good thing. No muss, no fuss. You’re married and didn’t have to put in a lot of effort.

7. Having someone else say your wedding vows for you can be a good way around the indecision of whether or not to get married. Are you technically married? Who knows, but it takes the pressure off.

8. If she tells you to keep it small, listen to her. The last thing you want is to run around at the last minute and throw away all the shit you put out for her.

9. If your woman thinks you’re saving her life by marrying her, you can speed up this whole process. A well placed shot to the shoulder adds to the threat, and then you’re getting married in a Vegas chapel. How you hold onto her after the ruse is up is all on you.

10. While it may seem like a good idea to plan an attack on your enemy at your wedding, this is hardly advisable, and probably won’t turn out the way you planned. Make sure you have a bullet-proof wedding dress and your insurance is paid up for any potential disasters. Hey, it’s still romantic to get married amongst carnage if your friends are with you.

11. Turnabout is fair play. When she decides she doesn’t want to get married, you simply tell her that you understand her point of view, but you’re still getting married. Haul her ass to the altar.

12. When you just can’t get the words out, when everything comes out jumbled and you sound like an idiot, don’t worry. Your teammates are there to drag you off to get married. They’ll dumb it down for you and ensure that your woman still wants to marry you.

Murder In The First Degree

Things To Say To Your Wife That Will Ensure Your Untimely Death

Guys, let me tell you something, women are naturally hard to figure out. There are certain things you can say now that