The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance, Giulia Lagomarsino [acx book reading .txt] 📗

when she says exactly what you did. Playing stupid will land you on the couch for the night under good circumstances. Under bad, you’ll have a pressure trigger under your bed.

3. Never tell her she’s overreacting. This ends with questions, lots and lots of questions:

“Oh, I’m overreacting?”

“I’m sorry, did I hear you right?”

“Did you want to live to see fifty?”

“Why is it that any time I’m upset about something, I’m overreacting?”

The list goes on and on. And the thing is, all those questions are ticking time bombs. There is absolutely no way to answer those questions without pissing her off more. Just keep your mouth shut.

4. Do not use your kids as a defense shield.

5. Do not ask what you did this time. That’s just asking for an hour long speech on all the ways you’ve fucked up.

6. Do not tell her she nags just like her mother.

Do This:

1. Apologize profusely. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong. When a woman’s made up her mind about something, there’s no way you can win. Remember, you can either be right, or you can be happy. If you choose to be right, you’ll be paying the rest of your life for that decision.

2. If you can’t bring yourself to apologize right away, take a walk. Get away from the situation and really think about what you did. Then go back and apologize.

3. If you don’t know what you did, and she’s not telling you, be sneaky about finding out information. For example:

“Baby, I know I really fucked up. I want to make sure I never do it again. Why don’t you explain to me exactly what I did wrong so it never happens again.”

“I’m sorry I screwed up. What can I do differently next time?”

Either of these should get you the answers you need without giving away that you have no clue what she’s upset about. Obviously, the list of don’ts is a lot longer than the dos. Make smart choices. That’s all I can tell you.

Part Three

The Rulebook For Women Written By The Men Of Reed Security

Sex Rules For Women

Great Sexual Expectations

Sex rules are much different at the relationship stage of the game. We understand that as the woman, and having to push out a few kids, things just aren’t the same. That being said, here are a few things to consider:

1. Women should always be dressed appropriately in the bedroom, which means lingerie or no clothing at all.

2. Blow jobs are considered a must at least once a week, but if you offer more often, you’ll see a significant increase in affection from your spouse.

3. 69 never went out of style. Let’s keep this in the back of our minds at all times.

4. Anal play is never acceptable unless the man is initiating.

5. Sex five times a week is considered average. The only time that this rule should be broken is after a baby is born. However, blow jobs are still accepted during this time.

6. Six weeks means six weeks. Once the doctor gives you the all clear, if you’re not nursing, you should be on your knees. Or any other position.

7. Cuddling is always permitted.

8. Showering together is fine, but after an exceptionally messy round of sex, the woman should change the sheets.

9. If you bring sex toys into the bedroom, expect us to use them.

Bedroom/Bathroom Rules

Keeping The Bedroom and Bathroom Tidy

Bedroom rules are a lot like bedroom rights, except that now that you’re married, you have a little more leeway.

1. The bedroom should be kept clean at all times.

2. If you don’t work outside the home, laundry is expected to be folded and put away every night.

3. A perfectly made bed, done with hospital corners will earn you extra points.

4. No talk of bed bugs allowed in the house.

5. Children should not join us in bed. Please remove them from the room and put them back to sleep.

6. While cold feet can’t be helped, if you have consistently cold feet, please put on socks.

7. Candles should always be kept in the bathroom, along with an assortment of magazines, crossword puzzles, and an endless supply of toilet paper.

8. Razors should be stored in the plastic box attached to the shower wall. Stepping on razors is not fun.

9. Likewise, if your razors are dull, do not under any circumstances use mine.

10. I don’t really know how to use that shower cleaner spray thingy. Please just clean the shower manually.

General Household Rules

Expectations Around The House

Ladies, we all understand that you’ve had a hard day. You’ve been cooking and…doing stuff. It’s not as easy as it looks. However, we’ve been out saving lives, risking our necks to come back home to you. Therefore, we really feel it’s not too much to ask that at the end of the day a few small things are done for us.

1. Dinner should always be waiting on the table for us, warm and home-cooked. Take out is acceptable once a week, but with our jobs, we need healthy meals.

2. Our boots are usually dirty at the end of the day. A rubber tray for our boots will save you a lot of time spent scrubbing the floors. They can be purchased cheaply at Walmart.

3. The kids should be quiet when we get home from work. After all the explosions and listening to others bitch about their day, we really crave silence. Do your best to keep them quiet, or send them outside.

4. The last thing we want when we walk through the door is to trip over crap that’s been left out all day. If you’re home, clean it up. Leaving it on the floor will only anger us.

5. If you’re home, you can unload the dishwasher.

6. The lawn looks like it’s getting a little long…

7. I know you didn’t want the garden, but the weeds are getting out of control.

8. The fridge should always be stocked and ready for us when we get home. Cold