The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance, Giulia Lagomarsino [acx book reading .txt] 📗

that has been in your hands while you’re sitting on the toilet.

8. Maybe we should just have separate showers so you don’t have to worry about stepping on my razors.

9. Please, you don’t have to worry about me using your razors. That’s just disgusting.

10. That shower spray cleaner thingy on the wall has a button on it. There’s no manual for this. You step out of the shower, close the curtain, and press the damn button. Problem solved.

General Household Rules

Do I Look Like The Maid?

Here’s how things are going to work…

1. When you walk through the door, immediately take off your shoes. I’ve just cleaned the floors. If you want a damn rubber mat, go pick one up. You have two hands.

2. While you’ve been off playing cops and robbers, I’ve been wrangling three velociraptors and trying not to get myself killed. I’ve stepped on at least ten dinosaurs, a few dozen legos, and almost killed myself on a toy truck. Suck it up and realize that we have kids, and the house will never be clean. I’ll do my best, but at the end of the day, the only way this place is getting cleaned is if I do it, and I’ve already done it ten times today. Get up off your ass and help.

3. Dinner will be served when I fix it. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to learn how to use the oven.

4. If you want peace and quiet, go sit outside. Kids are not just shushed and magically become quiet. That’ll last for two seconds.

5. If at any time you feel the need to point out that I stay home, just remember that while you go do your one job, I am the head chef, the daycare provider, the housekeeper, the accountant, the personal shopper, and I have my own fucking job! Yes, that’s right. I multitask. It’s something you should learn.

6. Last I checked, it was the man’s job to take care of the lawn, but since you insist I help, I propose that we take turns taking care of the yard. I’ll take Monday through Friday, and on those days, you can watch the kids all day.

7. I believe there’s a liquor store on your way home. Instead of driving past it, pull in and pick up your own damn beer.

The consequences of not following any of the above rules will result in the loss of sex. Read it. Sign it. Live it.

Handling Overprotective Men

Rules For Ensuring Your Man Doesn’t Take Away Your Weapon

Your man loves you. We all know this. The problem is, they think we’re all incapable of handling ourselves. The only way around this is to continually prove yourself, and even then it doesn’t always work. So, let’s discuss ways around the overprotective male.

1. Whatever your man says, never relinquish your weapon.

2. Men think you can’t handle yourself. That’s bullshit. You’ve trained for this. Take the damn weapon and tell him to fuck off.

3. Men will check everything you’re carrying. Make sure you already have a bag stored somewhere in the parking garage. Use one of the children to get the bag down there. The men are still naive enough to believe the children would never take weapons out of the building.

4. Men are going to focus on the more obvious places to hide a gun. Of course they’re terrified of your little bag for that time of the month. That’s why you can’t hide anything there. Sew in a secret pocket in your handbag. Load your purse up with all sorts of shit, and they’ll never question the extra weight.

5. Men get suspicious when women gather. They’ll most likely try to listen in, worried that they’ve either done something wrong or that we’re planning something. Burner phones will be passed out for all women to communicate on. This also needs to be kept hidden.

6. We don’t really need a bunch of discussion on this. The men are going to try and stop us, we’re going to fight back, blah…blah…blah. Keep your weapons. End of story.

7. Threaten them with no sex. That’ll make them rethink their position on us having weapons.

8. Never assume your man is going to have weapons on him. He wants a normal life, but these men will never be normal. Be prepared. Take a suitcase of weapons.

Part Five

The Interviews

Sinner

Sinner: Hey, Giulia. How’s it going?

Giulia: Pretty good now that you’re here.

Sinner: I’m a taken man.

Giulia: I’m aware, but remember who created you.

Sinner: I’d like to see you fight Cara for me. My Lollipop has quite the attitude.

Giulia: Where do you think she gets it?

Sinner stares at me contemplatively.

Sinner: So, what you’re saying is that when I’m screwing my wife, I’m also screwing you.

Giulia: Well, I didn’t really think of it that way, but I guess that’s right.

Sinner: And by that way of thinking, we’re really having a three-way, because you’re there and so is my wife.

Giulia: Well-

Sinner: That is so hot. Giulia, you’re kind of a dirty girl.

Giulia: Then you’re also having sex with my husband. I mean, I have to get my fantasies from somewhere, right?

Sinner stares off for a moment, then clears his throat.

Sinner: You know, I think this is entering a territory that is better suited for Alec, Florrie, and Craig.

Giulia: What’s wrong? You don’t like thinking about a four-way with my husband?

Sinner: This is so wrong. Don’t you feel like you’re cheating on your husband?

Giulia: He’s a pretty understanding guy. Besides, he knows I have my book boyfriends.

Sinner: So, he doesn’t mind you screwing other guys?

Giulia: Only in my fantasies.

Sinner: So, you’re actually kind of a whore. There’s, what, twenty guys at Reed Security? And what about the women? Does that mean that you’re screwing them too? And what about the other series?

Giulia: You know, I think we’re getting a little off track here.

Sinner grins at me.

Sinner: I think we’re going exactly where we’re supposed to. I can’t wait to tell the other guys about