Mr. Darcy's Diary, Amanda Grange [elon musk reading list TXT] 📗

knew what to think.

‘–for your unexampled kindness to my poor sister.’

Unexampled kindness? Then she does not hate me!

The thought made my spirits rise, though cautiously, for

I did not know what she had heard of the business, or

what else she was going to say.

‘Ever since I have known it, I have been most anxious

to acknowledge to you how gratefully I feel it. Were it

known to the rest of my family, I should not have merely

my own gratitude to express.’

Gratitude. I did not want her gratitude. Liking, yes.

Loving, yes. But not gratitude.

‘I am sorry,’ I said, ‘exceedingly sorry, that you have

ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light,

have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs Gardiner

was so little to be trusted.’

‘You must not blame my aunt,’ she said.‘It was Lydia

who told me of it, and then I asked my aunt for greater

detail. Let me thank you again and again,’ went on

Elizabeth, ‘in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much

trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the sake

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of discovering them.’

Generous compassion. She thought well of me, but in

what way? I was in an agony of suspense.

‘If you will thank me, let it be for yourself alone,’ I

said. My voice was low and impassioned. I could not

hold my feelings in.‘Your family owe me nothing. Much

as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you.’

I stopped breathing. I had spoken. I had let out my

feelings. I had offered them to her, and could only wait

to see if she would fling them back in my face. But she

said nothing. Why did she not speak? Was she shocked?

Horrified? Pleased? Then hope rose in my breast. Perhaps

she was kept silent by pleasure? I had to know.

‘You are too generous to trifle with me,’ I burst out.

‘If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me

so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged. But

one word from you will silence me on this subject for

ever.’

It seemed to be an age before she spoke.

‘My feelings are so different…’ she began.

I started to breathe again.

‘…that I am humbled to think you can still love me…’

I began to smile.

‘…now I receive your assurances with gratitude

and…and pleasure…’

‘I have loved you for so long,’ I said, as she slipped her

hand through my arm and I covered it with my own.To

claim her was a joy. ‘I thought it was hopeless. I tried to

forget you, but to no avail.When I saw you again at Pem-mr darcy_internals 1/30/07 4:06 PM Page 275

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berley I was overcome with surprise, but quickly blessed

my good fortune. I had a chance to show you that I was

not as mean-spirited as you thought me. I had a chance

to show you that I could be a gentleman.When you did

not spurn me, when you accepted my invitation, I dared

to hope, but your sister’s troubles took you away from me

and I saw you no more. I could not let matters rest. I had

to help your sister, in the knowledge that by doing so I

was helping you. Then, when she was safely married, I

had to see you. I was as nervous as Bingley when we

arrived at Longbourn. It was clear that your sister was a

woman in love, but I could tell nothing from your face

or manner. Did you love me? Did you like me? Could

you even tolerate me? I thought yes, then I thought no.

You said so little – ’

‘Which was not in my nature,’ she said with an arch

smile.

‘No,’ I said, returning the smile. ‘It was not. I did not

know whether it was because you were displeased to see

me or merely embarrassed.’

‘I was embarrassed,’ she said.‘I did not know why you

had come. I was afraid of showing too much. I did not

want to expose myself to ridicule. I could not believe

that a man of your pride would offer his hand when it

had already been rejected.’

‘His hand, no, but his heart, yes. You are the only

woman I have ever wanted to marry, and by accepting

my hand you have put me forever in your debt.’

‘I will remind you of it, when you are cross with me,’

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she said teasingly.

‘I could never be cross with you.’

‘You think not, but when I pollute the shades of Pemberley, it is possible that you might!’

I laughed.‘Ah yes, my aunt expressed herself forcefully

to both of us.’

‘She told me I would never live at Pemberley,’ said

Elizabeth.

‘I ought to dislike her for it, but I am too much in

charity with her. It is her visit that brought me to you.’

‘She came to see you?’

‘She did. In London. She was in high dudgeon. She told

me that she had been to see you, and that she had

demanded that you contradict the rumour of our impending marriage.Your refusal to fall in with her wishes put her

sadly out of countenance but it taught me to hope.’

I spoke of my letter. ‘Did it,’ I said, ‘did it soon make

you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any

credit to its contents?’

‘It made me think so much better of you, and so

immediately, that I felt heartily ashamed of myself. I read

it through again, and then again, and as I did so, every

one of my prejudices was removed.’

‘I knew that what I wrote must give you pain, but it

was necessary. I hope you have destroyed the letter.’

‘The letter shall certainly be burnt, if you believe it

essential to the preservation of my regard; but, though we

have both reason to think my opinions not entirely unalterable, they are not, I hope, quite so easily changed as

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that implies.’

‘When I wrote