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tidying up.

I’m washing the dishes when I hear my grandma shouting at my dad. I can’t really make out what they are saying. I’m not really interested. As soon as I’m done I walk to my room. It’s been a long.

To be honest I have mixed feeling about this marriage. One minute I want to marry Zwelibanzi because I’m forced to but the next minute I want to marry him because Bonga’s betrayal cut very deep. I’ve been so stupid.

“I hope you’re thinking about that boyfriend of yours” aunt Thembi tells me when she walks in my room.

“I’m just worried about my dad. He’s going to be lonely here. I did tell him that I’m not against the idea of him marrying another woman. Nonhle left mos” I tell her.

She tells me that Nonhle is my mom, I shouldn't call her by her name. It’s disrespectful. I roll my eyes at that and she leaves the room. Soon after I follow her out.

Morning come too early, I walk to the workshop it’s a little hot but I need to keep my mind off things. We didn’t really discuss the letter from Zwelibanzi’s family and he might come around today to ask and he’ll threaten to kill my dad for the million times.

                        *****

It’s been a long and productive day and it looks like it’s going to rain. I know my dad will be busy so I’ll catch a taxi home. Today is my lucky day, I don’t have to stand for long, the taxi is here within 5 minutes.

“We have to discuss the letter, we don’t want the young man thinking we’re ignoring him” my grandma tells me as soon as I open the door.

It’s been a long day, I was hoping we’d discuss this tomorrow since I won’t be going to the workshop. I left a notice telling me clients that I won’t be at the workshop tomorrow. I try to tell her that I’m tired, we’ll discuss this tomorrow. I’m so not looking forward to the discussion. If the guy is serious then in a month I’ll be Mrs. Whatever his surname is. I have so much on my mind. Grandma won’t let me sleep until my granddad tells her to let me rest.

I should’ve known that my grandma will wake me up at 4am. My God I thought she’ll let me rest. I tell her that I will join her in 30 minutes. I take a shower and make the bed. I walk to the lounge, the whole family is up and sitting staring at me. These people can’t be serious. It’s not even 8am.

“Sanibonani” I greet them. They greet me back.

“We need to discuss this letter, your in-laws are coming this Saturday”. So he was serious about marrying me within a month. Who sends a letter on Tuesday and expect the family to be here that very same weekend.

“How long have you known this guy?” my grandma asks me. I was expecting this question.

“Long enough to agree to marry him” I tell her looking at my hands in my lap. I can’t look at her and lie. I’m not saying I’ve never lied to her but I’ve never lied about big and serious things. They ask all kinds of things. They ask if I’m sure. I don’t want to marry the guy but I have to, pity I can’t say that out loud we’ll get into trouble. We plan for the arrival of my future in-laws this Saturday.

                        *

My family loves Zwelibanzi, maybe they should marry him not me. He finished lobola within 2 weeks and he paid R80 000 without even blinking. I don’t know why but I get the feeling that I’m going to pay for that R80 000. I told my dad to charge him R20 000 but my grandparents were against the whole idea. They demanded that kind of money because I’m educated and I’m a virgin. I paid for my fees and it was my choice to remain a virgin until I get married and Zweli has to pay for that. I was scared he was going to say it’s too much and threaten to kill my dad because he thinks the money is too much. Instead he expected them to say R100 000. This guy is not paying the money out of love or because he thinks I’m worth that kind of money. But he paid it because in his mind he’s buying me. If only my family could see things from my perspective they weren’t going to charge him that much. Instead they were going offer me for free.

“I’m so proud of you. You look beautiful” my dad tells me with tears in his eyes. I just smile thinking, I’m doing this for you so you get to live.

I can’t believe I’m getting married in about 10 minutes. Zweli is a controlling bustard. He practically planned the whole wedding. All I had to do was to agree to everything because, if things don’t go his way then he will threaten me. I always wanted a white wedding but nope he wants a traditional wedding and my family has never been so happy. They keep singing praises as if he’s suddenly God. We always argued about my wedding and I always told them I want a white wedding. My dad invited my mom and she was hurt because we didn’t tell them about the negotiations.

It’s time to go out. I was raised by traditional people so I know everything about culture. I’m ready for ukugida. So I walk out with my cousins. It’s one of the days I wish I had siblings. Imagine doing this with them.

As soon as I come face to face with Zweli I cry. My family come running. I tell them I can’t do this. I can’t marry a murderer. People think it’s normal for a girl to cry and get cold feet on her wedding day. My aunts and grandma keep telling me that this is normal. Ayanda walks towards me smiling but I know he’s doing this for my family if we were alone he was going to kill me like he killed Bonga then kill my dad. They move away when he puts his hand on my shoulder. My aunts smile. The hand is supposed to be warm and assuring and I’m sad to say Zweli’s hand is the total opposite. It’s sooo cold and the way he’s rubbing my shoulder says a lot like keep crying then your dad is next with you watching. He doesn’t have to say anything. The message is loud and clear. I ask to take a break, he says no. He walks away but not without threatening me. “You’re going to pay for this” the way he speaks the words proves that the threat isn’t an idle one. At least he threatens me not my dad.

I drink water and I go on with ukugida.

                        *****

Three hours later, we are sitting at the table eating and listening to speeches. My grandparents were the first to talk. I didn’t hear a word because I kept thinking about how my life is going to be. If he controlled a simple wedding then he’s going to control my life. Where I should be, what I should be wearing and he’s going to choose friends for me no doubt about that. I can’t even eat. I feel like running away.

Before I know it, it’s time to go. The moving truck has my stuff. I was never told that we’re leaving, I thought we’ll stay in Joburg. What about my graduation and honours. What about the workshop, my dad, my family and my neighbours.

“You look sad more than happy. Are you okay?” my dad asks. Zweli gives me a threatening look.

“I’m just sad that you’re not coming with me” I tell him, I’m not lying but it’s not the whole truth. He just smiles at me also looking sad. We say our goodbyes and Zweli drives off. I don’t even know where we are going and I won’t even ask him.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I’m roughly shaken by Zweli telling me to get up we are here. I get off the car and I follow to the biggest mansion I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if this is a house or a mall. I follow him and we head to the 2nd floor and he open the first door. I follow him in, it’s his bedroom. It’s empty there’s a 4 poster bed at the centre nothing else. As soon as I get in he closes and locks the door. My heart thumps heavily against my ribcage. I move and he follows me. He starts kissing me. I’m not ready to consummate the marriage. I knew that I won’t have a say on most things in our marriage but I didn’t expect this to be one of them.

Chapter 3

I don’t know when I fell asleep. I’ve been up all night. I must’ve have fallen asleep around 4am when Zweli left. As soon as I open my eyes, I can feel the wetness of the pillow. And then it hits me all over again. Zweli raped me, I told him I’m not ready. I was hoping he’d understand, but I was dead wrong. I married a rapist and a murderer. Last night when Zweli was through, I tried to wash the filth off me but I couldn’t. The rape lasted for less 20 minutes. It’s amazing how such a short period of time can turn a person’s world upside down. I remember crying the whole time he was raping me and he didn’t stop. I begged him until I stopped crying.

I drag myself out of bed and I walk to the bathroom. Maybe today I can wash the filth off me if I try harder. Last night I was too weak, I’m still the same but I need to scrub myself. I run my bath and sink in. As much as I try to block last night’s events, I can’t. I feel tears running down my face. But they don’t stop me from scrubbing harder. I don’t stop even when I see blood and the water runs cold.

“Ma’am are you okay?” an old lady asks beeping from the door.

I try to fake a smile and nod. But I’m too numb. I just continue scrubbing and crying. I freeze when I feel her small hand on mine. I wasn’t raised by my mom but I know for a fact that I don’t have anger issues or I don’t despise women. But right now I feel like slapping the woman’s hand away. She hugs me and she tells me that it’s going to be okay. I wish I could agree with her but it’s more like it only got started. And I can’t call the only person I called when things were bad. Because my dearest husband decided to murder him and I know it’s only a matter of time before he kills me too.

I let the woman hold me and lie to me. I know that it’s not okay and it’s not going to be okay. I stop crying not because the woman is consoling me but I need to pull myself together otherwise my dad’s life depends on me. I have to pretend like I’m okay and I’m happily married because that will make my dad happy. She helps me out the bath takes a towel to dry me then she continues to choose an outfit for me. All the things my mom has never done for me. This woman’s children must be happy to have such a wonderful mother. She walks to my side of the closet and she takes out matching underwear and a long blue dress. She helps me get dressed and she tells me how beautiful I am. I want to believe her but it’s hard. She makes the bed and she takes my hand and she leads me downstairs to the kitchen and she makes

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