Cliche, ninja jinx [read aloud TXT] 📗

with her cheeks sunken in and her body deprived of nutrients. What have I done!

 

I grabbed a trolley and began walking down the aisle, as I grabbed random things of the shelf and placed it hastily in the trolley. Pizza sauce, Pads, deodorant, chips, cat food. Don’t ask why. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never taken a class for pregnant women. Oh shit, I knew I should have listened in sports.

 

“Ah, why do you have a plant in your trolley?” a guy’s voice called.

 

“Oh because I h-wait a plant!”

 

Ok, now I really don’t know why I have a plant. And anyway where did it come from?

 

I placed the plant on the floor and raced out of there. That was embarrassing, and I didn’t even get a look at the persons face…oh well, I just hope he wasn’t hot….

 

“Check this out really fast,” I yelled. The elderly lady looked at me oddly. “I have a pregnant woman at home who may be dying of hunger!” Ha, that got her starting. “Oh dear, you better get there ASAP then love”. I nodded my head vigorously as her hands moved at the speed of light. Wow, just watching her go hurts my eyes. I can’t even see her hands anymore! For an old lady, she sure does move fast…

 

“There” she said as she lifted all the bags and placed it in the trolley. I don’t even know if that was humanly possible…

 

“Thanks” I replied as I threw notes and coins and fled out of there, racing towards my street.

 

 

 

After the grueling path home.  

 

“Sarah” I called as I slammed the trolley into the house, “I’m home”. No answer. Did I make it in time? I crept quietly to the living room and nearly screamed. Sarah was lying on the floor; with her limbs all stretched out and drool dripping from her mouth.

 

Who could have done such a horrible thing?

 

“Oh my gosh Sarah. If only I had come sooner…” I wailed.

 

Sarah Tucker was d-

 

“Isabel! What took you so long?” Take that back, she was still breathing.

 

“It’s a long story. A story that should be kept for a-hey Sarah you can’t just go eating the sauce like that!”

 

Few hours later

 

It was awhile after I could get Sarah to put her clothes on and step down from the table. I had to use my very persuasive skills and bribery of chocolate to get her to stop her strip dance. It was a disturbing sight and thank god I closed the curtains. I had a grandma living right next door, and gosh she hates me. She’ll use anything to bring me down. And I really don’t have time for that, after all I need to go shopping and get disinfectant or I am never ever eating on that table again.

 

Ok, you’re probably wondering what happened in those few hours? Well let’s rewind….

 

After Sarah had finished slurping the sauce she had targeted the pads. Now, I really didn’t know what she was going to do with those, but I knew it wasn’t going to be good. We had both launched at the same time, and fortunately I reached it first. I grabbed it and threw it out the window; yeah I don’t know why I did that. But Sarah got really depressed and she began balling her eyes out, because apparently she wanted to use them for her ‘artwork’. So then I told her I’ll get some more, because she was annoying the hell out of me and left the room for two minutes. After my return I realized two things, one SpongeBob was on, and two Sarah was missing. Now the latter wasn’t that important so I chose to ignore it and watched some very serious PG rated SpongeBob.

 

Ok, I may have watched about ten episodes before I began to worry about Sarah. So being the good little angel, I went to search for her and boy you would never guess. I found her in the next minute pealing of her clothes and giving me a strip show on the dinner table. If mom was here she would be blessing the table and pouring holy water in my eyes.

 

So that brought us back to the present, where Sarah is happily devouring a chocolate bar and sitting Indian style on the floor.

 

“You know Isabel” she asked as she wiped her mouth on her top, “we should totally go out”.

 

Yeah s-wait what?!

 

“We can go to the movies and the….”

 

Oh my god, I knew Sarah said she wasn’t into me like that, but that was about 2 years ago. People change, things change, and Sarah’s interested in me.

 

Better put her off nicely, after all she’s pregnant and could probably kill me with a pen.

 

“Sarah how many times do I have to tell you, I am not interested!” Ok a bit harsh….  

 

“Huh?”

 

“Well I don’t want to go out with you.”

 

A look of understanding dawned on her face and I couldn’t help but feel this was like de ja vu. “Isabel I meant as friends”.

 

Oh, right….

 

“Anyway I was thinking tomorrow we could go baby shopping and then maybe catch a movie.”

 

“Nope not going to happen.”

 

“Wait, why?” she whined.

 

“Like I said, just because you’re staying at my house doesn’t mean where friends. You have to prove your loyalty.”

 

There was a moment of absolute silence and I swear I could hear the grandma next door snoring away. Lazy ass.

 

“Yeah, right…”

 

“Well, I’m going to go get the pads from outside….” I replied awkwardly. Good work Belly, you really know how to make an awkward situation even more awkward

Chapter 4: What is with this story?

Chapter 4: What is with this story?

 

There are moments in life that you wish you can erase. Like the time your mum walks in and you’re doing something you shouldn’t; now people, no wrong thinking. Tsk, tsk.

 

But the point is I really wish I could have taken back what happened to me. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life and just thinking about it makes me blush. Well let’s go back into the not-so-long-ago past and view what occurred on the fateful day.

 

I had gone outside to grab the pads that, let’s just say ‘slipped’ out of my hands when all of a sudden the devil appeared. Yes in all its glory. Its hair was whipping in the wind and its red nails dripping with blood. Its eyes were glowing and its fangs were drawn to rip my insides out. But never fear because I, the great heroine, defeated the beast with my great courage and determination. Showing her who’s the boss of this area.

 

“Hi miss Knight, is there something troubling you?” I inquired as I stuck a radiant smile on my face.

 

Yes, so courageous, but if you ever meet this women you’ll be shitting your pants. She was demonic, and I swear she kills young children at night by beating them with a shoe.

 

“Hello Isabel, what do you have there?” she asked as her eyes zoned in on the pads. Oh god I am doomed. Good bye world, good bye sweet home, oh how I’ll miss you dearly. I cleared my throat nervously and cast my eyes downwards.

 

Ok think Belly, think!

 

“Oh wow would you look at this….pads in my hands…from my lawn…I wonder who put them there?”

 

‘Who put them there’, are you serious, is that the best I could come up with? No one stupid enough would believe that-

 

“Belly, how terrible! Someone placed pads on the lawn? I mean this is revolting, despicable, and unforgivable” she thundered.

 

“Yeah, I know. Disgusting, how could they vandalize my home!” Ok time to stop Belly, just leave while you can. Whatever you do, don’t pour more fuel into the conversation…but it’s me where talking about…

 

“I mean, I feel so vandalized and hurt. And why would they commit such a crime! It’s outrageous. ”

 

The old hag nodded her head in understanding. “We should take this to the police; maybe we could get some fingerprints”.

“Yeah we should-wait what?”

 

“The police Belly, they’ll help us-”

 

“Ha, ha, ha, no need for extremes Miss Knight. Anyway they won’t help”. And to emphasize my point I began flapping my hands.

 

“Don’t worry I have connections”.

 

Oh holy fudge, was that an evil glint in her eye? Don’t tell me she knows. Oh well, then I won’t let her win, I won’t admit it, that I was the criminal. And anyway, how could she possibly have ‘connections’, it’s probably just a bluff.

 

“Ok Miss Knight, if you insist. But I don’t know if it’ll be helpful, after all it probably came from a store and has a lot of finger prints…”

 

“Oh no worries dear, I just want to make sure my neighbors safe since her parents are out and about”. Why does she make that sound so bad?

 

“We can go in my car”. No I’ll rather just stay home I thought bitterly.

 

“Maybe we can even buy something after”. I don’t want to eat things with the likes of you.

 

“Then you can tell me how you’ve been”. Stop prying old hag.

 

“We can even feed the fish and go to the zoo”. Can I throw you into the lion’s den?

 

“So let’s go Belly!” she called, and then grabbing my hand in a death grip she dragged me to her car. Is it just me, or are all old lady’s really strong?

 

“I just had a new paint job done on my car; you’re going to love it”.

Love it my ass. When I saw it I nearly went blind. It was a bright neon yellow bug that seemed to glow. How the heck was I meant to ‘love’ it, when it was the brightest thing in the world that I could barely see it? I wouldn’t be surprised if a car crash happened when where driving past.

 

“Yeah, I totally dig its new look. It’s just so out there” I said as I threw my hands out to get my point across.

 

She cackled like a witch and practically flung me into the front seat. “You’re so funny dear”.

 

Is it just me or does she sound like she’s possessed?

 

 

 

 

 

At the police station.

 

It turns out that the old hag was actually telling the truth when she said she had connections, and holy fish I was scared. I was waiting for them to walk in and arrest me on the spot, then throw me in jail with she-men; which are women that look like men.

 

So when the detective came in, I was about to cry out my plea and beg for holy forgiveness.

 

“We have some news. Now I need you to remain calm-” how are we meant to remain calm after you said that?

 

“But it seems the pads have the fingerprints of-”, this is the end, take me away…

 

“A wanted criminal!” Oh I-come again?

 

Is this for real? A wanted criminal was touching pads? Where the hell is this story going towards? What kind of plot is this?

 

I heard a gasp. “Your saying there was a criminal”, pointing at me, “in her yard?! And”, now she got down low as if she was going to tell a secret, “possibly acting as a peeking tom?” Ok no need to get ahead of yourself…

 

“Possibly, and what I’m about to tell you is for your ears only, understand?” he asked, and at that moment I felt