Garry Potter And The Same Old Nonsense, David Backhim [the mitten read aloud txt] 📗

help is at hand, as they proceed to fill their glass again and temporarily fill their life with this oh so worthwhile pursuit again. They repeat this exercise over and over in which the empty glass must be filled so that they too feel fulfilled, before the festivities conclude with empty glasses, as the empty people brace themselves once more for their empty life, which like an empty glass needs alcohol to fill it. Oh dear, how sad is this?

EMPTY FUTILE GESTURES
Oh crumbs, just as this book was progressing so nicely and I was destined for literary awards, critical acclaim, and a massive surge in my fan base, I go and sabotage all the glory by putting the following thoughts to paper.
Sorry folks but I feel compelled and duty-bound to scoff at the mass-produced outpourings of public sympathy that respond to such terrible tragedies as the news of a missing child, such as Madeleine McCann. Let’s get one thing straight: The abduction, assault, or murder of a young child is dreadful, evil, horrible, malicious, totally unacceptable, wicked. In fact there is a multitude of adjectives to describe such circumstances and one would not wish such a fate on anyone.
However, brace yourselves, for I am unmoved by the media-sponsored tidal wave of sympathy that emerges in such gruesome situations. Why do lots of people suddenly feel this urge to wear silly bracelets or armbands or tie ribbons round trees? Ultimately, these are token gestures which solve nothing. When a family is touched by the intense pain of a missing child, their profound sense of grief should not be violated by nationwide empty, futile gestures. Of course by all means any person with a morsel of information that could lead to the discovery of a missing child or the whereabouts of the culprits should co-operate fully with the investigation. This goes without saying. However, what should be avoided are the helpless people who try to help yet cannot and who only succeed in intruding on someone else’s tragedy. It’s almost as if the public relish the prospect of a hard luck story, so that they can rally together like London residents during ‘the Blitz’ of the early 1940s.
Oh come on, there are far too many bandwagon-jumpers around for my liking. May I remind you all that young children die in abuse, famine, neglect, poverty, terrorism, and wars every day, but of course non-British, non-white youngsters are not worthy of the same intense attention. Well, excuse me but the media and the sheep who follow them remind me of people waiting for a bus of misery to come along. Look everybody there goes another bandwagon for you to leap on. Too late, not to worry, I’m sure that there will be another one along soon.

PRETTY GRAVES
Have you ever visited the various military cemeteries dotted around Western Europe, the Far East, and elsewhere? Have you noticed how beautifully preserved the graves and headstones are? In fact, in most graveyards one will find a multitude of pretty graves. It is all the more ironic as lurking beneath the ground is a rotting, decomposing corpse who probably lived and died a life of pain and troubles. However, not to worry, we all may have to cope with a life of intermittent ugliness, but hey at least we will have a nice little plot with a lovely headstone, immaculately mowed grass and pretty flowers to ‘enjoy’ at the end of it all. I remain perpetually perplexed as to why we appear to care more for looking after the dead than we do for preserving the living. Come on folks. Let’s make one another’s life pretty, instead of devoting our energies to foolishly decorating each other’s grave.

DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION
In Norn Iron during the dark days of the 1970s and 1980s, there was a huge security presence in response to the various terrorist campaigns. Even though the war is over or the cessation of violence is ‘complete’ or even permanent, an increased police presence is once more required, I believe, for Northern Ireland’s continuing problem of careless, reckless and sometimes drunk driving.
There is indeed a new kind of terrorist plaguing the Six Counties (and beyond). He or she may be in a well-paid job, live in a lovely house, be well-educated, have wonderful children, drive a beautiful car and not possess extremist views on anything, but nevertheless this very same person could well be threatening the lives of other road users with his or her arrogant and defiant attitudes to road safety. Oh yes the accepted wisdom, reinforced by shock television advertisements, emphasises that the majority of road accidents are caused by young motorists and/or by newly-qualified drivers. I don’t deny this. It is hard to do so when the statistics speak for themselves. However, rather than clamber onto the young people are dangerous drivers bandwagon, I have seen sufficient evidence with my own two eyes to suggest that there are a whole host of vehicle users from all walks of life and more particularly from age groups who should know better, whose antics on the roads leave an awful lot to be desired.
For a start, I am exasperated as a pedestrian by the number of occasions when I have witnessed drivers speed through traffic lights as they are changing from amber to red. The amber light is a signal to warn motorists to slow down because of an imminent red light. Amber is not intended as a starting-pistol for impatient, selfish drivers to sprint through the lights in order to avoid waiting two whole minutes for the next green light to shine. An imminent red light denotes that an adjacent traffic lane or a pedestrian crossing is about to go green. Those road-users (not necessarily young in age) who dash through amber lights are an absolute menace. I would appeal for cameras to be fixed on top of traffic lights so that the chancers who actually traverse a red light are recorded and issued with fines. I believe that fines of increasing severity for each traffic offence might be more of a deterrent than the pointless points system. Allocating three points to a speedster is about as effective as handing out a hundred lines, stating ‘I shall not put other road users at risk by driving so dangerously fast again.’
I would also recommend that each and every one of us re-take our driving test every ten years. Why should that be a problem? If one is a competent road-user, then one has nothing to fear. The increased revenue from say a £10 fee for a ten-yearly test could finance road improvements, which themselves will contribute to greater road safety for all motorists and passengers. Besides, if vehicles are tested on an annual basis to ascertain whether or not they are fit for the open highway, then surely those entrusted with the steering wheel, gears and brakes should also receive a regular driving health check, so to speak. Regularly assessing whether vehicles are dangerous or not is commendable, but the continued absence of evaluating whether the persons (charged with the great responsibility of driving them) are themselves road-worthy or not only serves to negate the purpose of MOT tests.
I would also like to nominate for the hall of shame the drivers, especially black taxis in London who seem to take exception to any pedestrian who has the bare-faced cheek to step on to a pedestrian crossing. It would be nice to see drivers slow down whilst approaching zebra crossings in the expectation that one or two human zebras just might be on the point of stepping off the pavement. Instead of which I find motorists accelerating over the crossings whilst pedestrians are actually stepping on to this designated point of access. One of the great ironies of life is that the white van man and other rent-a quotes who are not shy at coming on to radio phone-in shows complaining about the state of the world and the ‘yoof’ of today are the very same hypocrites who drive irresponsibly and then have the nerve to highlight the failings of other people when they themselves would do well to set a good example.
Finally, speaking as someone who has been prone to driving fast myself, I would urge a greater police presence on the motorways to combat the Formula One wannabees who mistakenly believe that the speed limit is 110 miles per hour. On the occasions when I have foolishly been driving beyond ninety miles per hour, it is quite an eye-opener to find a number of motorists over-taking me! Only the deterrent of watching police, as opposed to imaginary speed cameras, might persuade various big adults to stop driving like big babies. Perhaps traffic lights should be fitted on dual carriageways at ten mile intervals to halt excessive speed. Ultimately, the police ought to stop making excuses about a lack of manpower or resources. Dangerous driving is one of the most serious crimes in our society and those forces committed to crime prevention need to be visibly confronting it. Instead of which, police cars perform endless laps of the city centre all day long while the motorway terrorists are allowed to misbehave, driving the rest of us to distraction.

OSAMA BIN LADEN
Did you know that dear old Osama Bin Laden is an Arsenal football supporter? No wonder he is wanted for crimes against humanity. Apparently Arsene Wenger in his quest to recruit even more foreign players to the Emirates Stadium wished to sign Bin Laden. Osama Bin Laden stated that he wanted to continue living in Afghanistan, but that he would fly to Arsenal’s home fixtures. Wenger then asked him where he proposed to land his private aeroplane. Bin Laden replied that he would fly his ‘plane into the Palace of Westminster one week and then next time he would fly into Canary Wharf.
I’ve never understood why Osama Bin Laden is referred to as the world’s most wanted man. I mean, who wants him really? I don’t want him at all. I don’t ever find myself thinking that I must summon Bin Laden when I want someone to weed the garden. Similarly, England football fans often want a new manager, but surely they don’t actually ‘want’ Osama Bin Laden. Mind you, his team-talk before an international against the United States would be delivered with much passion: “I want you lads to fight for this win. I want you to compete against them as if it were life and death. Don’t be afraid when you tackle to take both man and ball. In fact, forget about the ball.