Country Boy's Guide To Understanding the Bible, CornFed [best adventure books to read TXT] 📗

Assuming we continue to refer to God as a “He”, I can probably think of about 489 reasons why I would create a woman first but that’s just me. Genesis simply says

“It was not good for man to be alone.”

Oddly enough, the writers failed to mention anything about how good it is to be alone sometimes and the costs of disengaging a marriage when one is tired of all the bitching and moaning, but I digress, yet again.

As an aside, I’ve often wondered what they looked like to be honest. I’ve seen the news and read the books about some ape looking thingy walking around. Personally, I’d like to think of them as Mr. Ken Doll and Mrs. Barbie Doll. I mean, really, if the authors of Genesis aren’t going to give me any thing else to go on, I figured Ken was hung like a horse and Barbie had tits big enough to rest a tall-boy beer can between them. And I bet you could bounce a quarter off her ass and onto the moon.

Now, here is yet another part I have often considered God’s thought processes concerning. I’ll give you a hint what it is. You got here because of it. It cost your daddy hunting priveleges for a year to obtain it, and your mama would probably like to just drop the whole matter altogether after you were born. It is probably the greatest directive God ever made to any living creature and, coming from the porn industry as a both a fan and a rising star, this is more of a shout-out for my favorite porn stars. God told all these fishies and birdies and humans the following, in a big loud voice:

“Now get it on! Do it! Multiply! Shake it to the left! Shake it to the right! Do it all night! Yeah baby! Rock out!

”

So, whenever you see dolphins having group sex on the Biography channel or humans in a porn film, remember who told them to do so. That would be God. As Genesis would say it, and I quote,

“And God saw that it was good.”

Word up God. Now, pass me a joint will ya? You know, that plant you created on day 3?

That’s really the basics of the creation story as told by whomever wrote Genesis. I think the hardest part to understand is why in the world would something as complex as this earth only get a single chapter and a half in it’s creation but you get a zillion pages about the people in it later on. Me personally, I’d like to know just exactly how God got the idea of the Hippopotamus or those damn Mud Fish I keep pulling out of the lake. I mean, come on, why in the shit storm would you think of something like those two?

Oh, I almost forgot this part before we get into the life of the things God created. Now, you remember how Sunday is always one of those days where Grandpa or Grandma would go to church and then sleep the afternoon away? Well, that’s because Genesis says that when you’ve busted your butt for 6 days, it’s best to take one off.

Apparently, God did just that. In the equivalent of a workweek, God made all this stuff and then decided it was time to pop a Xanax and take it easy for a day. Going forward, don’t let anyone call you lazy for sleeping off a hangover all day Sunday ok? Just point them to Genesis and tell them you spent all day and night of Day 6 consuming and procreating, just like the bible told you to.

The really interesting part about Genesis, as I mentioned before, is that we don’t get many details. We don’t get to know the chemical compounds and the amount of electrical shock treatments required to concoct planet Earth. We don’t get any sort of rationale or logic as to why things look the way they do. No, we just get the basics But, when it comes to the life of the first humans, there are some very unbasic things about Genesis.

As my Dad would always tell me,

“The most un-basic and confusing thing ever created is the woman. I can figure out deer, quail, turkeys, and even my kinfolk. But not my damned wife!”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but love for the ladies. With proper exercise and diet, I think God did one hell of a job with shaping up these lovely creatures. With the advent of Ibuprofen and Prozac, there are likely many days of consistent behavior.

However, apparently the first one fucked up something royally in the home God made for them. We will see this as a theme throughout the Bible. God always gives someone special a nice place to live or some kind of great ability. God likes to bless. On the flip side, once you fuck up, God also likes to kick the piss-shit out of you. This is what happened to Eve apparently while they were living in the special place God created for them…the Garden of Eden. Many writers today also refer to life there as “Paradise” and I will use the terms interchangeably (which means, for those who struggle with multiple words used to convey the same idea, the Garden of Eden and Paradise mean the same damned thing).

As it is told by the writers of Genesis, who must have somehow gotten there before God did to see this whole thing unfold, you have a this big ass Garden that God built for the first man and woman crafted. The man’s name was Adam and the woman’s name was Eve. I can see the Garden of Eden now, as if I was Adam.

I’ve got myself a log cabin with deer antler chandeliers and a big pond full of bass just across the backyard. I’ve got a naked woman wandering around with tits the size of cantelopes and an ass so tight that not even modern day brick shit-houses can compare. I’ve got a few trucks in the garage, all of them shining. The front yard is full of fruit trees that produce year round. I’ve got pears, figs, peaches, and some bright big red apples. Inside, after a long day of fishing and running around naked, I’ve got a recliner made from the skin of sheep in the living room. The rest of the log cabin is just one big bed for pro-creating. Who could ask for anything more? How could you possibly fuck this up?

Enter the mixed up logic of a woman.

The only rule God laid down for Adam and Eve in this Garden was that they should not eat anything from the apple tree. Granted, those apples were some good-looking things but apparently they would completely fuck up Paradise if anyone ate them. Don’t ask me why God always attaches rules to perfection.

Adam avoided the apples like the plague. Men are like that. Ever since my Daddy told me wasps would make my pee-pee shrivel up if I ever got stung by one, I’ve been running from them sons of bitches ever since.

Eve, though, liked to ride the line between rules and emotions. Every day while Eve was tiptoeing through the Garden, she would sort of look at those apples and wonder about them.

“What would it be like to eat one?”

She could almost taste the juices and the warm fuzzy feeling they would give her.

For some time though, the idea of fucking up Paradise scared her enough to keep her fingers off the apples. But then a snake appears out of the grass and convinces her that even though the price was extremely high, it was perfectly okay if she ate one of those apples. After all, said the snake,

“God is just a bit worried about things. He’s got a big enough ego that He’s got to put some rules out there so He still feels like He’s in control. Go on, have a bite.”

To put this into something that resonates with most married men, Eve was like most women at a jewelry store who jump away once they see the price tag of a shiny necklace full of diamonds. But then, as she fondles it and ponders what their husband said about not having any money, she hears a voice from behind the counter that says…

“He won’t mind. He’s got a big credit line and He’s just scared you’re going to find out that you have all the money in the world and can buy everything you want.”

If Adam had been there, he would just shot the damned snake. At a jewelry store, he would have beaten the clerk to a pulp.

And so, with nary an ounce of fear in her eyes, Eve ate the apple and the world has been in the shitter ever since.

There is a term I heard in Church ever since I was a kid. The preacher man would always tell me about the “Fall” of mankind and how that simple act of Eve eating that apple set into motion all the bull-shit we have in the world today. Your Daddy is mean because of the “Fall”. Your Grandma looks like a prune because of the “Fall”. You cannot get it up again after sex because of the “Fall”. You work because of the “Fall”. You die because of the “Fall”…all that kind of stuff that makes life something very goddamned irritating.

This is where that view of life comes from. Apparently, because of the apple eating incident, God kicked Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, sold all the luxury items, burned down the log cabin, drained the pond, and gave them both an inferiority complex about how they looked. You can thank God for why women wear clothes year round and still complain about their butt when it’s covered in layers of denim.

As they were being escorted from the Garden, God spoketh unto them and sayeth,

“Woman, you may love sex now but it’s gonna hurt in a very bad way when you have children. And man, you are now a farmer full-time. If you’re lucky, you might have the energy for sex after long days of work. Oh, when the both of you die, you’ll be nothing but a bunch of compost for the plants! Now go build your own goddamn log cabin, you irresponsible fuck-sticks!”

The rest of Genesis talks about the kids that Adam and Eve had, what they did, who they did it with, and other stuff you typically hear during conversations at family reunions. The real stinker about the family lineage here is that Adam and Eve only had 2 sons for quite a while, Cain and Abel. What this means is that either one of them was going to have to pull some kind of gender-bender in order to keep the new human-thing moving along, or they were gonna have to talk to Mom and Dad about getting them a sister so they could have some inbred youngins. Man, this is sounding just like a family reunion more and more.

I cannot say for sure what transpired next but apparently Cain found himself a wife and they had some kids I’d like to think that God miracled up a woman for Cain since you can only imagine how pissed He’d be if there was inbreeding going on. The writers of Genesis don’t really tell you the full story. Let’s just assume that Cain’s wife