Country Boy's Guide To Understanding the Bible, CornFed [best adventure books to read TXT] 📗

wasn’t really his sister so you don’t have to feel funny when you’re alone with yours.

Given that Genesis is about the first humans, you would expect some really good Mormon type of genealogy here. The writers try, they really do, but it’s downright confusing trying to figure out who screwed who and who built what and when someone died. They’ve got some folks living upwards of 900 years in the lineage description. Can you imagine how many kids that guy fathered? Let’s just say that along the way, a whole bunch of people starting occupying planet Earth and they were living quite a long time.

God, thinking that maybe He should put a cap on the life span of humans since these fuckers were averaging 500+ years and I can only imagine how much corn and rice they ate over their lifespan, decided that a good number for life on planet Earth was 120 years. Once you hit 120, you poofed up like a fizzled out bottle rocket.

Apparently, God has changed His mind since then as no one lives in my family past 90. Still though, 120 years is a pretty good life and I bet everyone was pretty happy with the new lifespan God told them about. Apparently, they were a little bit too happy and carefree about it however.

The eventual outcome of all the kinfolk of Adama nd Even didn’t end quite the way anyone had intended. God figured they would die off at 120 and the cycle of life would continue. The kinfolk had other ideas and because of their attitude, their ending was even more cataclysmic (that words means great destructive shit happened) than getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Apparently, and the details are again sketchy, everyone started acting like mean asses. They didn’t get along. No one shared the potatoes at the dinner table. The kids were fighting. The damned in-laws were taking over entire cities. It just got ugly.

God, in a theme of destruction that will continue to recur forever in the Bible, said, and I quote…

“Alright. Fuck this shit. You know what, I’m just gonna fill this whole fucking Earth tub of terds with some salt water. That should get rid of all the people and their fighting. Now, I’m gonna need to re-stock Earth later on once all the water is drained so maybe I’ll just have that nice guy, what was his name...tall…beard…cute wife…Yes! Noah! I’ll get him and his family to build a big ass cruise ship, we’ll stick two of all the animals and other little things I created on it, and then once I’ve drowned everything with salt water, we’ll have everything we need to start over again! At least it’ll save me from repeating that whole creation crap process. Man, I never want to have to decide on the colors of a tiger ever again”

To make a long story short, Noah and his family obeyed God (as if they had a fucking choice?) and built the ship, dragged on a few friends, coralled up two of all the animals, and waited for God to unleash the Great Flood. Everyone and everything not on the ship died under the tidal wave of salt water. A few months go by and the ship starts to stink because there are no portable toilets and elephants are notoriously nasty. God figures no one could have lived through that shit and gets rid of the water. On a bright and sunny Monday morning, everyone and everything get off the cruise ship, and we start this whole shit-bang over again. Knowing wild hogs like I do, I’m willing to bet more than two got off that boat at the rate they breed.

Because God chose Noah to be the captain of the cruise ship, he becomes a central figure throughout Genesis and gets kudos in other parts of the Bible as well. God must have felt sort of bad about what He had done or else Noah was just one charming guy, but the conversation they had that Monday morning after everything was unloaded from the cruise ship went something like this…

“Noah, hey man. Look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this. I couldn’t help but notice that you built an altar for me the minute you set foot on the ground. I really appreciate that. It smells pretty good. I have always like Jasmine inscense. And, well, I’ve been thinking about that Great Flood thing. I really don’t want to resort to that kind of action again. I’ve been doing some digging and I think you and I should start an agreement. Let’s call it a Covenant. You keep building me altars and loving me and I promise I won’t wipe out planet Earth again. Matter of fact, I’ll sweeten the deal. I’m going to make sure you have the best life ever and any kinfolk of yours are going to be number one in my books forever. What do you think? Agree?”

Of course Noah agreed. Would you fuck with a God who just buried a bunch of puppies beneath a tidal wave of salt-water?

Now, I could go and tell you all about the life of the new generation of humans but I would lose you at some point. Let’s just say that the only real fuck-up for the first 10 generations of people was the fact that a group of in-breds figured they would build a city that was tall enough to reach heaven and start a tour of world domination, sort of like what those idiots over in Dubai are trying to accomplish with all those buildings. In Genesis, it was called the Tower of Babel.

Well, at this time, everyone spoke the same language. You know, humans were all one people with one language and we all sat around the camp fire singing “Kumbaya My Lord” all night til the sun came up; sweet shit like that.

God, liking the way we humans were sticking together, didn’t want this city to be built and didn’t much care for a world-domination tour. He thought to Himself…

“Fuck, I cannot wipe this planet out again. I promised Noah I wouldn’t. But, man, this shit isn’t going to work. I cannot have all these fuckers trying to take over the world. Maybe if I just confuse them a little, ya know, maybe Matrix some over in this part of the world, a few over there, and then change the language so that everyone speaks something different. I bet that would take the wind out of them.”

Now you understand why we have Rednecks, Yankee,s Trailer Park Trash (separate from Rednecks due to their child bearing and smoking abilities), Mexicans, Indians, and other people all working in the same office but no one can understand what the fuck the other person is saying.

Call up for customer support on your new Dell computer? Yep. You can thank them fuckers trying to build the Tower of Babel in Genesis for that difficult conversation.

Over the years, I suspect God must have enjoyed watching everyone doing the best they could with their lives until that point in time came where He felt left out. I mean, He’s been doing some pretty big shit for a long time and since Noah is long gone, He doesn’t really have anyone to bless in a big way, ya know?

It is now that I would like to introduce to you the one person who has single handedly changed the face of religion and the world, as we know it. The old man’s name was Abraham, his old wife’s name was Sarah, and you can thank the agreement that God and Abraham made in Genesis for all the fighting over the last umpteen-thousand years about all that desert land overseas. The agreement went something like this:

“Abraham, hey it’s me, God. Things are kind of boring these days and I am looking for someone special to bless. You seem like a nice guy and I figured, well fuck, why not make you an offer you cannot refuse. How about you pack up your family and move to some land that I’ll show you later. It’s named Canaan but we’ll call it the Promised Land since I always deliver on what I promise. I’ll even make you the leader of a great nation and all your descendants will be living high-on-the-hog. Matter of fact, if someone doesn’t like you, I’ll just burn them to the ground. If someone does like you, then I’ll make sure they get blessings too. What do you say Abraham?”

Abraham agreed and told all his family about this great plan God had given him. His nephew, a man named Lot, pulled out his banjo made from the gut of a goat and some hickory wood, and sang this song to commerate the event. Come on everyone, sing along with me using the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies…first verse only please…

“Come and listen to a story about a man named Abraham”
“A poor old fart whose wife was almost dead”
“Then one day God started acting all cool”
“And promised him some land for all of us fools!”

“Canaan that is, the Promised Land, can’t wait to see!”

After everyone spent the night partying with some Old Crow bourbon (they were poor folks then), they all started marching towards Canaan, the land promised by God. The name of these people, God’s chosen people led by Abraham are named the Israelites. Get used to the name. You will hear about them forever in the Bible and you can still catch them on CNN once a week with rocket launchers and machine guns trying to either defend or take over more land.

As with all things relating to God’s promises, there is a catch. The men have to get their pee-pee’s circumsized. Now you know where that




Book 2 – Exodus and the Journey of the Red Headed Step Children

If I look in my Websters dictionary, I see that the word exodus means “a video grame in 1991 that..”

Wait. That cannot be right.

The more realistic definition has to be the second entry….“a journey by a large group to escape from a hostile environment.”

Now if that doesn’t have all the fixings for an NC-17 movie, I don’t know what does. Whenever you combine the words “large group” with “escape” and followed by “hostile”, you are definitely getting into something you want to read about.

And Exodus doesn’t disappoint!

I’m sure a lot of you out there have heard about Moses. And I am certain anyone with a guilt trip of any kind has definitely heard about the 10 Commandments. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, if you watch the Discovery channel, you’ve heard of Egypt. And as this set-up-to-the-plot thickens, if you’ve heard of Egypt, then I know you’ve heard about them there Pharoahs who ruled the land like Stalin ruled Russia. And if you’ve even been in jail, or had a dear beloved family member in jail, then you’ve heard the phrases “breaking the law” and “judge” and “sentenced” and “in prison”. And if any of you are married, or had been married, then you understand the word “covenant”. (Don’t confuse this with convent, which is what I heard married life is like, but I digress.)

And all of this is wrapped right up into the book of Exodus! It’s a story about an insecure Pharoah who has a bunch of red-headed step children (code named the Israelites) and he’s getting nervous about their numbers. You see, in keeping with Genesis,