Country Boy's Guide To Understanding the Bible, CornFed [best adventure books to read TXT] 📗

them all a bunch of fried quail to eat. He also brought them manna, which is sort of like biscuits minus the gravy.

12. They got thirsty.

13. God sprung up an “all you can drink” beerfest from a big rock to quench their thirst.

14. They got in a fight with a bunch of warriors from a local country.

15. They swiftly kicked their ass with God’s help.

16. God was so pissed at that bunch of warriors, He promised He’d keep on kicking their asses for generations to come until they were wiped off the planet.

17. No one has ever heard of the Amalekites since.

18. Until Hell Raiser. Those were the serious looking dudes helping Pin Head.

19. Moses was getting real tired of being God’s spokesman to all these Israelites.

20. His Father-in-law, Jethro, told him to move to Beverly Hills.

21. Then Jethro told him to start electing people to help him tell them what God likes and doesn’t like.

22. Moses starts the first Human Resource Department in the history of mankind and hires a crack staff of managers to help him teach the employees sin/life balance.

23. They arrive at Mt. Sinai, which means the Mountain of God.

24. God tells them that if they will behave and mind his laws, then He’d take care of them better than they could imagine.

25. The Israelites formed another band and wrote “Big Pimpin’” in honor of their lavish lifestyle promised by God.

26. God creates the first printed version of what we Americans call the “law”. From what I can tell, the Georgia DMV adopted a large portion of it for their driving and license laws.

27. God gives Moses the 10 Commandments, written on stone tablets.

28. The world has not been sane since.

29. Everyone gets together and starts to build the First Baptist Church of Mount Sinai.

30. God tells them to build a rolling suitcase for the 10 Commandments. It’s called the Ark of the Covenant.

31. To save money, God takes on the role of Interior Decorator and Master Landscaper and gives everyone directions on how to make the tables, the lampstands, the wall color, the backyard, fencing, lighting, etc..

32. A fire pit, better than anything at Home Depot, is also crafted to burn dead stuff in. It’s called the Altar of Burnt Offering.

33. God himself designs the first Pony Keg. It features an onyx stone pouring spout attached to the acacia wood beer holder and is covered in tanned ram skins delicately striped with goat hair for added ornamental value. It can be yours only for the low price of a lifetime of living by the rules.

34. God designs the first set of runway clothes for priests. The new line is called “The Tunic Turban. The Holy Urban Attire for Only the Sassiest of Priests”

35. Some dude named Aaron becomes the Head Preacher in charge of the services and managing the day-to-day lives of the Israelites.

36. Moses leaves his Sunday School duties and goes to live on the Mountain with God.

37. Aaron starts worshipping a golden calf.

38. The people start doing the same, thinking the Preacher is always right.

39. God gets pissed.

40. God crushes the 10 Commandments in a fit of anger.

41. Aaron is sent to rehab.

42. God considers parallel anger management classes for Himself.

43. Moses has to re-write the 10 Commandments since God did it the first time and is too pissed to do it again.

44. Moses gets some kind of skin rejuvination from the Spa of God and has to hide his face with a hood since he glows so much.

45. Moses tells everyone the rules again and to continue working on that First Baptist Church of Mount Sinai, that God will live in there on a continual basis until someone royally screws up.

46. They are told to pay particular interest to Sunday. No beer. No work. No sex. Only frying chicken at the tabernacle is allowed. Bring your money for the tip jar.

47. All the stuff designed by God finally gets built.

48. God hires an effeciency expert to help future generations do things quicker when they need their fannies saved by God and shipped to new lands.

49. God finally takes up residence in the First Baptist Church of Mount Sinai and whenever He wants to go somewhere, whether it’s the beach or to see a good play, He sends a smoke signal out the chimney of the Church for everyone to pack up the Tabernacle and follow.

50. The Israelites spent the rest of their lives following that damn smoke signal.

I think I’ll go outside and have a cigarette now. No telling where the Smoke of the Lord will lead me.

One thing is for sure, the Smoke from the Tabernacle doesn’t lead them not to the land of milk and honey. It’s still just a far away unoccupied Utopia by the end of Exodus.


Book 3 – Leviticus and You Thought Your Mama Was Mean

The first time I saw the title of this book, I thought it was a proper name for a venereal disease. As in…

I caught herpes.
I caught Leviticus.

And then after I read it, I realized it was more of an adjective form describing a state of being, a condition of living. As in…

A state of venereal disease.
A state of Leviticus.

I’m going to make this book easy on you though. As with anyone who is familiar with cleaning out a pig trough or scraping doggy pooh from the carpet, I will make sure to cover your eyes and mouth as much as possible and flower your nose with Evergreen scent straight out of the can. It might smell like someone shit a Christmas tree when I’m done but at least you have something to hang your hat on at the end of the day.

Leviticus can best be described as a book of rules and regulations. Think of it as a very long rehab where the Israelites are given a strict regimen of what they can and cannot do in order to weed out the impurities in their soul and personality. Watch Celebrity Rehab for about 2 years if you’d like to get a small…a very very small idea of the kind of termites this here book seeks to destroy.

I think the best way to wade through this shit-storm of rules and regulations is to tell you a few things that are applicable to your life today. Things I bet you didn’t even know originated in this book. Deep, dark, dirty things….

1 – If your penis has a head on it that isn’t covered up with something that looks like a slab of smoothed out beef jerky, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

2 – If your daddy has ever rang the neck of a bird, sprinkled it with lighter fluid, and burned the shit out of it just for the hell of it, then that bird might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

3 – If your grandpa gave a goat to the next door neighbor as an amends for banging the other man’s wife, then he might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

4 – If your mama always cooked your pork chops with all the fat cut off, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

5 – If you’ve ever killed a neighbors cat no matter how much of a son-of-a-bitch it was and your mama made you apologize and give them one of your puppies, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

6 – If you’ve ever taken a 10-dollar bill from your aunt and then was required to pay it back plus 20% and an ass whooping, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

7 – If anyone has ever brought the head of a bull over to your house as a gift because they took your wheelbarrow, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

8 – If your uncle set fire to a bunch of sticks in the back yard and then get burned up by them, then he might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus

9 – If you’ve ever seen someone drink a beer, walk into church, and fall over dead, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

10 – If you’ve ever had a girlfriend who was told by her mama that eating rabbits would give her rabies, then she might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

11 – If you’ve ever heard a loud voice saying “Don’t eat that!” after you whacked a seagull over the head with a beer can, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

12 – If your daddy has ever put your mama outside in a refrigerator box during her period, then she might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

13 – If your mama, upon returning from the refrigerator box, kills all the pet canaries as a sacrifice to the Lord, those birds might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

14 – If you’ve ever been kicked out of Sunday School Class because you had a zit on your face the size of a cat terd, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

15 – If you’ve ever been snooping around the wood shed and your mama ripped off your clothes and burned them with a cigarette lighter, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

16 – If the Department of Children Services has ever wrapped tape around your house, declaring it “unfit for living”, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

17 – If your roommate has ever burned every piece of furniture in the apartment because you developed a bunch of itching and burning “down there”, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

18 – If you tried to start a Vampire Club at school and got kicked out of the county, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

19 – If you’ve ever known someone in your family who had sex with their cousin and they disappeared from the face of the planet, never to be seen again, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

20 – If you’ve ever had sex with any of your dad’s girlfriends and got a tire iron against your knee cap and she got a bullet to the head, then the both of you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

21 – If you’ve had sex with your Aunt Donna and have spent the last 2 years dodging bullets, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

22 – If your sister has sex with a cheerleader at school and no one will talk to them anymore, then they might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus. And that’s a crying damn shame might I add.

23 – If your parents made you get married because you couldn’t keep it in your pants, then you might have been a victim of the rules of Leviticus.

24 – If you’ve ever owned a Shitzu and someone shot it with a gun claiming it’s not